Relationship Errrm,,,,, Like What The Actual F??

[redsandy]

Ok so - I'm a bit confused right now
I think I'm looking at ass hole - but maybe I'm not?
Yesterday I get this email from my husband telling me he's so pleased I'm seeing our padre - that he's happy I enjoyed being heard and validated,,,, and I was like wtf? You cheeky turd!!
So I replied saying yes, I'm happy too but I'm upset about the reasons I've had to - that I've been lied to, betrayed, humiliated and so on,,, And I did it rori raye style so there was no blame - and I get nothing in response
Today I get a text from him asking if I'm OK,,,and I'm all hyped up on boundaries and rori raye style comms so I reply "ahh well I had a shit bomb dropped in the house last Sunday and then was left to deal with the fall out alone, and I haven't had an apology or recognition for it, so you know I'm not best pleased right now"
And I've had nothing - and its been hours
Stress cup full or ass hole mode ??
I know I'm getting past angry with it.
Plus,,,, I still don't know if he is coming home tonight - safe to assume awol mode?
And here's where I get to say 'rat arsed Bastard' again - hooray
It's a right mess
It's past funny. It's actually quite shitty.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes it's hard to tell...

I usually take into account what his general PTSD level is before deciding if he's is not reacting to stress well, or just being an asshole. Usually when he is sick, I'll give him a little more leeway if he is snappish or a bit rude. Over time I've learned to recognize when he is symptomatic. I'm not saying I'll tolerate yelling or name calling, but I'll pick my battles, or let some dicky comments roll off my back when I know he's not doing well.

Also, I consider the duration of the behavior in question. Does he usually do the same rude thing over and over, and feel he is justified... Asshole. Is it just something he does sporadically when he is stressed.... PTSD.

 

[redsandy]

Sometimes it's hard to tell...

I usually take into account what his general PTSD level is before d...

This is his usual behaviour.
If he had been here in person the silence would either be accompanied with pa eye rolling or zone out face.

 

[sedna]

Narcissists tactic when they sense boundaries being set by their victims. Its called ' Hoovering ' They'll immediately become caring and appear to be genuine. You'll question your decisions and emotions, decide you were over reacting and too hard on him. Once you get back to the doormat you were before, he'll also switch back to his old self. He'll do something to put you back in your place withing a week.

Disappearing, dual possibilities of a win for him. If it makes you worry, you'll stop being angry and be grateful he's okay when he shows up.
If it makes you angry because you cant resolve anything while he's awol, the anger you express when he shows up will be amplified, he can accuse you of being irrational and overreacting. Thats ' Gaslighting.'

Hoovering - Gaslighting. Dont care if he has PTSD or not, this bull sh*t is not acceptable.

 

[redsandy]

Narcissists tactic when they sense boundaries being set by their victims. Its called ' Hoovering ' They...

Actually mid process of learning about gas lighting!!! Watching a video on it just this moment!
Now,,,, could He be doing this because he is so ashamed of possibly having ptsd?
I'm learning that gas lighters aren't always aware what they're doing.

 

[sedna]

Actually mid process of learning about gas lighting!!! Watching a video on it just this moment!
Now,,,...

You keep trying to find ways to excuse his stuff, you know.

They're aware of it, they know while they're doing it, and they know when they've gotten the result they wanted. I think when experts say they're not aware of it, they're referring to people who operate pathologically at all times. When its a habit to lie for no reason everyday, you're still aware you're doing it, but not in the same sharp focus that someone who was lying all day for the first time would be. It's habitual and incorporated into the pathological dual reality they live in.

 

[EveHarrington]

You indicated you were upset.

He went silent.

I'm not so sure it's PTSD or even being an ass.

I think it's a reaction that many normal people would have who don't want darts thrown at them any more. <duck and cover>

Am I missing lots of info from your past posts?

Can you expand on how he is gas lighting you? (Just curious as I've seen this used as the latest cool catchphrase when the person isn't actually gas lighting, just lying a lot. Not saying you're doing this.)

 

[redsandy]

You indicated you were upset.

He went silent.

I'm not so sure it's PTSD or even being an ass....

I am upset about having the shit bomb of his secret about our marriage being dropped and then being left on my own to deal with it
Yes, he's been in touch this week (unusual)
But the only thing I am told is that he never told his parents because they'd be disappointed in him - no expansion,,leaving me feeling like it's me they don't want to acknowledge as his wife
No apology for lying to me that he'd told them after more than a year of me asking him to
Gas lighting - OK
Me "I'm upset not to have heard from you in a month, it's unfair on our marriage"
Him "I'm not taking this shit,, you're always nagging"

Me "I'm feeling a bit sick, I've just seen your messages to another woman - I'm angry that you would be calling another woman beautiful while avoiding contact with me"
Him "don't be so stupid,,,, I haven't done anything wrong"

Me "I'm concerned that even though I've messaged your mother and sent videos of our son to her she hasn't responded to me in 18 months and will turn her back on me if I talk to her"
Him "my mom would never do that, she's got a life of her own you know - not everything revolves around you,,,,I am sick of being your emotional punch bag and your yakking on"

And theres loads more

At this point I need to point out that his parents are divorced, and it was his father and step mother who were here when the shit bomb went off.
None of his parents knew,,, despite him going into detail about their reactions when he told me he had told them.

This is hard,,, and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment.
If I hash up my wording I apologise

 

[redsandy]

And there was this one time a couple of months ago that I was asking him what he thought about me being so confused as to why he leaves me out of decisions that affect me - and he zoned out,, , so I sat quietly for 10 minutes not saying a word and then I said "well?" And he said "well what?" So I told him I'd just sat there saying I had got so drunk during the day time that I went to the shop in just my night dress and no knickers and he said "yeah, I know, I heard you but I ignored you because all you do is chat shit"
So I told him calmly that we both knew that wasn't the case and sent him to work,,,, I never heard from him for 2 weeks after that.

 

[redsandy]

Basically, he's been compartmentalising his life,,,keeping secrets,,,avoiding facing anything
He has created a whole bucket full of crap, but gets Pissed at me when I stand up for myself against the bucket of crap and all the results of it.
He's avoidant.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That is a lot of crap treatment... And I'd be hesitant to call it PTSD. It sounds more like he has zero respect for you or your marriage.

I was an army wife too, and while deployments and field exercises keep our husbands away and out of communications a lot of the time, if he is just not coming home when he is able, he's being a dick. You're married and have a child. He doesn't get to play single.

Is there a weird family dynamic with his parents? Not telling them you're married "because they'd be disappointed" is just plain f*cked up. How can you hide a wife and child?

I don't know what his deal is... I don't know you guys. He sounds incredibly disrespectful though.

 

[redsandy]

I'm trying my hardest to be strong
No, I don't like receiving this crap
I've had my days of fighting back, of shouting and demanding
They''re done

Maybe he is just an ass hole

But I keep being told of similar behaviours from other wives on my patch (I listen, don't admit) and then after a flip ptsd has been diagnosed

I don't want to wait for the flip - nobody does

I'm interested in hearing about the light bulb moments you guys had when your partners or yourselves accepted it was time to get help

And, I'd like honest danger signs to look out for - he's very good at keeping it all in

I read that arrogance is part of learned coping behaviour while in denial/avoidance - but I don't like being at the brunt of it