Escalated Self Harm

[Mofep]

I have self harmed. It hasn't been that big of a deal. I recently went from cutting to stabbing, but limited to my arms and once my legs. This last time I started on my arms but it wasn't enough. I can't explain it, but I moved to my breasts. I do have a history of adult and child sexual abuse/rape. I reluctantly told my therapist I had cut when asked. Then I told her it was worse than I ever have done it before. I didn't mention the stabbing thing. She asked if I stayed with my arms as usual. I said no. I couldn't look at her and she asked my legs, thighs, stomach and maybe a few other places. I said no to all. Then she asked my torso, and I said yes, definitely my torso. Then she said okay. When I left I went to the bathroom and realized my chest and neck were bright red. Why does it make a difference where I cut? That was last week, since then I have cut and stabbed three more times in the same places. I see her tomorrow.

 

[Vasat]

I think it would be a good idea for you to tell your therapist about the self harm.

I'm concerned that you're minimizing the self harm by saying it's no big deal. I think if we are hurting ourselves, it is a big deal.

:hug:

 

[Teliw]

I agree with Vasat.

If you would do it to someone else, you have a problem. If you wouldn't do it to someone else, and you are doing it to yourself, you are clearly in a lot of pain.

I won't claim self harm is not useful for pain management. The problem is that, as you know, self harm escalates and becomes a huge problem all of its own. You can find peace, and you will not always need self harm. The sooner you can quit, the faster you will begin to heal from whatever is making you want it.

Telling your therapist how you feel about the self harm would be an act of great bravery and a good step towards healing.

 

[Mofep]

I have told my therapist. The first time I told her was in a letter. I have not announced to her every time I cut. I feel that there is so little time and I don't want to spend it on this. This time she seemed way more concerned, I know this because she said she was concerned. I think it is due to location, and that worries me. I was terrified to go see my psychiatrist the next day, but I blew it out of proportion. To be honest, I have scared myself. I would never ever do it to another person. Yet, I don't feel as important as others.

 

[Pociwa]

Teliw here again.
I definitely didn't tell my therapist about each week's self harm, either. If things have escalated, that is worth mentioning. It might mean that whatever things you use self harm to suppress or survive are becoming harder for you to cope with. For me, this was a normal part of healing - as new memories and feelings came to the surface, I felt more pain, and I felt stronger impulses to fall back on old coping mechanisms, including self harm.

A reminder: Whatever happened that makes you hurt this much was wrong. You are very important, and you deserve better. Self harm is concerning because you matter, so your safety, your ability to manage your pain in other ways, and ultimately the easing of that pain are all things that matter a lot.

Sending love and hope.

 

[Mofep]

Thank you. I feel an overwhelming amount pain, not doubt. It is crushing. I've been recovering from anorexia and exercise addiction. I used this for 10+ years to cope. Without it I am flooded.

I do feel like I cannot live like this anymore. So I am trying to work hard in therapy.