Even More To Deal With

[bitterfight_]

Hey guys... I just got home from vacation, and on the 18th, me and my parents got into a MASSIVE fight. This is how it happened: I don't like sleeping in the dark and quiet because of my PTSD that's caused by severe bullying (loads of physical assaults, torment, basically assault). Anyways, I asked my dad for something to make noise/sound, and he got mad. He grabbed a radio, and started stomping into my bedroom and yelling at me. I got angry, and I grabbed it out of his hands so he would leave me alone. He got mad, and grabbed my arm. I screamed, and pushed him off me, and he grabbed both of my wrists (they were up so I could defend myself), and I pushed him off me. The entire time, I was screaming "how could you grab me? how could you?" and he kept screaming back "I didn't!" and then "stop f*cking lying". I slapped him on his arm and he turned and threatened (put his hand to my face) to slap me in the face if I didn't stop crying/screaming at him. When I pointed to my arm, which was red and sore, my dad said (word for word): "how do I know you didn't do that while I was gone? You could've done that to yourself for all I know". I kept crying, screaming, ripping my hair, and then my mom yelled at me to stop. She said I was having a nervous breakdown and kept repeating it. She told me that I could "go ahead" and tell people that he grabbed me, but that I would need to tell them the whole story because people wouldn't believe me because they would ask "but why did he grab you?". I'm in a clinical study for people with treatment resistant depression, and my psychiatrist at the hospital, during my assessment, asked if I had ever felt threatened by my parents, or if my parents had ever hit me. I lied. I told him no, because I was afraid that my mom was right and that nobody would believe me, and worse, that they would disown me and completely stop talking to me. I haven't told anyone, except on here, that this has happened. My mom has been like this, and sometimes worse. In the past, she has threatened to have me locked away, lied and said the police were coming to get me or that the neighbors had called the police on me, and apparently when I was as young as 4, and still now, she has hidden from me to intentionally scare me into thinking she's left me for good or has said she's leaving me for good (this is what a babysitter has said before). I have my second meeting with my new social worker (who I do NOT like) on August 1st. I don't like him because he's said things like "you sound really traumatized" and is really antagonizing about my PTSD, and refuses to admit that I have it (even though I've been psychologically diagnosed by two different specialists, twice). My psychiatrist, while being somewhat nice, was adamant that I had been abused as a child, and I refused to admit anything to him, so I completely shot down anything, instead of explaining what life is like with my parents. I don't know. I refuse to say my parents abuse me, because it's not a daily thing. They're not punching me, or beating me up, or doing this every single day, but every single time I get into a fit (induced by my chronic PTSD), it escalates into one of these fights. I maybe have one of these fights every 2-3 months. My mom has said before that she reacts the way she does because she doesn't know how to calm me down. I'm just so sick of this, and I don't know who to tell, or who to turn to. I just know that this time, it scared the hell out of me. His excuse was that he was angry at me, but I was so scared he was going to grab my throat like the bullies at my school. I'm so on edge. Please, someone, give me some advice.

 

[jmni]

My advice:
Just move and don't go back. I don't think you should tell your parents where you're going / what you're doing or that you have any intention of leaving.

 

[littlelostchild]

Is there someone you trust that you can go stay with and make a plan to get out of that environment? You have support workers (social worker, psychiatrist, psychologist), they help you get to a safe place. Your home sounds abusive, please be honest with the support workers and let them help you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Until you can change your address, try working on grounding yourself when you feel afraid. People that don't have PTSD just don't get the symptoms of it. You are afraid of the dark and quiet. Get a flashlight for next to your bed . Do you have a pet that can sleep with you? Learning to tolerate quiet will serve you for your whole life. Work on what serves YOUR greater good. And I wish you could find a therapist you click with. Is that possible?

It's interesting that you are in a clinical trial for depression. Are you taking a drug or possibly a placebo? I would think you could get some supports wrapped around you if you network with the people doing the study. You have suffered long enough. Really I think til you can move out, you'll have to keep away from them. If you're a minor, document these fights in writing with dates. Just for completeness sake if you meet with resistance like you're describing with your social worker. Hang in there, you can be totally honest on this forum.

 

[Pencil]

It's difficult to give the advice you ask for without knowing how old you are. But even if you're only seven years old, I'd say that you are old enough to
a) obtain your own device for making a noise / sound at night, such as a radio. You have this fear every night, right? So what did you use on other nights before this night?
b) know that 'grabbing' is not done to get someone to leave you alone; it is an invitation to a physical fight.
c) understand that slapping is never allowed
d) fully get that screaming and ripping your hair will always make matters worse, not better. If my daughter did that I would also yell at her.
e) comprehend that continually lying to, and 'refusing' to be open and honest with your psychiatrist is probably contributing to the 'resistant' factor, and generally just a really self-sabotaging thing to do.

I'm really sorry to say that I totally disagree with other posters. You don't sound anywhere near mature enough to live and survive and thrive on your own.

 

[bitterfight_]

Is there someone you trust that you can go stay with and make a plan to get out of that environment? You have support workers (social worker, psychiatrist, psychologist), they help you get to a safe place. Your home sounds abusive, please be honest with the support workers and let them help you.

Unfortunately, the only people I have are a few friends. I'm thinking of doing that right now, because it's the only option that seems open. I don't have a full-time job, as I am in Uni most times from 8 am until 8 pm, thus leaving it almost impossible to work full-time, or even enough to move into a small apartment for myself. My work just cut my hours as well, so it's definitely not an option. I don't have a boyfriend that I can move in with, and the rest of my extended family lives in another province. I do, but I don't trust them. I could make an appointment with my old trauma therapist, spend the 100 to see her, and disclose it to her because I have built strong rapport with her and still trust her, but I don't have the 100 to do that. I don't like my social worker at all, and that leaves my psychiatrist. Unfortunately, all I have is his email and phone number, and like I said, I lied to him about what goes on at home. I lied because I'm scared that (1) nobody will believe me, (2) my parents will be right and I will be in the wrong, and (3) it doesn't happen daily, it only happens in these few scenarios, but I'm afraid of admitting that it gets out of control because I'm afraid of me being at fault. Sorry if I'm being frustrating :(

Until you can change your address, try working on grounding yourself when you feel afraid. People that don't have PTSD just don't get the symptoms of it. You are afraid of the dark and quiet. Get a flashlight for next to your bed . Do you have a pet that can sleep with you? Learning to tolerate quiet will serve you for your whole life. Work on what serves YOUR greater good. And I wish you could find a therapist you click with. Is that possible?

It's interesting that you are in a clinical trial for depression. Are you taking a drug or possibly a placebo? I would think you could get some supports wrapped around you if you network with the people doing the study. You have suffered long enough. Really I think til you can move out, you'll have to keep away from them. If you're a minor, document these fights in writing with dates. Just for completeness sake if you meet with resistance like you're describing with your social worker. Hang in there, you can be totally honest on this forum.

I'm trying, but this happened on Vacation, in a place I am unfamiliar and not okay with. I didn't have my usual setup of a tv/fan/light, and it kinda freaked me out badly, and the person who was originally sleeping in the same room with me had to leave, and I ended up alone without my usual setup when I'm alone. I also lost my keychain flashlight while on vacation, so there's that too. I've tried exposure with the quiet, and the dark. It doesn't change. I can hardly breathe in the quiet/dark, and it's worse if those two are together. No, I don't have a pet, unfortunately, because we aren't allowed pets here. I did have a therapist I clicked with, immensely, but I ran out of funding to see her, and when I did (and informed her that I was seeing someone who wouldn't charge me for seeing them) our relationship went sour.

@Pencil, I'm 20, first of all. Second, I usually have a setup for myself at night, as I posted above, and yes I have this fear every night. Unfortunately, I was in unfamiliar surroundings, and didn't know where anything was, so I had to ask my parents where it was. I was able to get it myself, but the situation escalated when he angrily grabbed it. I understand your "b" and "c" bullet points, but I don't know how to regulate their emotional instability and I have enough of my own, thanks. As for "d", this is what I've been trying to work on, for years, but no therapist has been able to teach me how to regulate that anger sufficiently. Yes, I understand that continually lying, refusing to be honest and open is contributing to the resistant factor, but I would rather be resistant and lie about what's going on than risk telling someone and (1) being either treated like a child and talked to like one (my social worker talks to me as if I am two years old), (2) possibly being called a liar, and (3) that I will be told it "isn't that bad" and that it's basically my fault. I don't blame you, I would disagree with the other posters as well, but you don't know me as well as you think, and to say that I am not nearly mature enough to live and survive on my own is a statement you can't really make without knowing who I am as a person. Thriving is another thing altogether: I may not thrive on my own, but I can definitely live and survive on my own. I've made great strides (getting a job, holding this position for 3 years to this point, paying my way through University... I could go on and on) in making a life out of what happened to me, and I am extremely proud of myself for those strides.

 

[bitterfight_]

@Pencil, for your c and b bullets, were you referring to my behavior, or my parents behavior?

 

[bitterfight_]

@Pencil, I supppose I worded it incorrectly. I grabbed the stereo so that he could leave, and I could do it myself. I never intended it as an invitation for a physical altercation, so isn't that biased to assume I was looking to fight with him? No, slapping is never "allowed", but neither is grabbing, and he grabbed me first. You sound like my mother. I am not going to sit there and allow myself to be grabbed. I will push and hit and do whatever is needed to defend myself, and I'm not going to feel bad about that. I'm not going to sit there, and allow myself to be attacked and just take it. If you're going to sit here and blame me for this, understand that I am not looking to get into an argument about who is in the right or wrong. I was looking to get advice on whether I should consider family counselling, or talk to my social worker about it, or what other options I had. A few people gave me some, and that was great, and I have considered them now, but I did not intend on being blamed for this, and if that is the case then I apologize for my actions and seeking help, and I will not return to this website again. Thanks anyways.

 

[Pencil]

I don't know how to regulate their emotional instability

Nobody can regulate another's instability, or their moods, or their emotions, or their behaviour. We can only regulate our own. My daughter, who is 8, knows that 'no matter what the other person does, do the right thing'. As long as we say 'I did this because you did that', you're giving other people all control over you. It is called 'locus of control', which should be inside of you and not out there in other people, and it one of the hardest, but most valuable, lessons one can learn in life. If someone harms my daughter I will most probably assault / kill that person - but it is and always be my choice, my decision, to do so, with full awareness of the consequences.

c and b bullets, were you referring to my behavior, or my parents behavior?

Everybody's. It is universal, but I was referring to your behaviour specifically.

I come from a violent family, and I was the youngest of five. Dysfunctional families have problems with 1) locus of control (everybody 'makes' everybody else do everything, especially the bad things) which means they pay the blame game. 2) an inability to respect others' boundaries 3) therefore enormous difficulty learning to establish one's own boundaries, 4) basic respect.

I'm not blaming you. I'm telling you that you are not taking responsibility for your own actions. I'm telling you that you can't blame anybody else for your own behaviour, feelings, actions, etc.

If you leave the forum because I'm not telling you that your parents are awful (they probably are) and that you are a victim with no power of your own, you're simply blaming me, and the cycle continues. The point is that if you don't shift the locus of control to within yourself, you'll run into the same problems you have with your parents and your therapy wherever you go; here on the forum, out there in the world, in every relationship you'll ever have. The process of accepting responsibility for oneself is a very difficult one, and the process of shifting the locus of control from an external to an internal one is long and difficult. But in the end we all have to learn that the choice is always ours, and ours alone. The choice is yours.

Right now I'm dealing with my sister who has started a court process to have my daughter removed from my care. This is the fourth attempt, and each time in the past the posse of social workers determined that there were no reasons for concern. The last one said: "I think you're doing an admirable job under very difficult circumstances." I moved to another town, after the police in the old town expressed concern that she fits the profile of someone who might want to abduct my daughter. I made an appointment with the principal and explained the situation to him, I gave him my sister's details, including a photograph of her. I contacted the principal of the old school (who had also been through the process with my sister who contacted him, harassed him, and interviewed by the court appointed social workers) NOT to divulge information regarding the new school my daughter now attends, my friends didn't even need to be asked not to tell where I had moved to, etc etc etc., in other words, I took every possible precaution. And yet, my sister found out where I had moved to, and started the process again as I am now in the jurisdiction of another court and Child Protection district office. This is stalking (where did she find out where I am?), it is harassment and she is using the State as an instrument, it is slander, it is ... insane. I honestly feel like assaulting, maiming, torturing and ultimately killing her. But I also know what the consequences will be. So, I won't. I'll obtain a protection order and I'm going to lay criminal charges. After that I'll consider moving again, possibly change our identities, etc, after having obtained advice from all relevant authorities. The difference between me and my sister is that I have learned certain things, and she hasn't, I'm trying to break away from abuse, she's perpetuating it.

Do you want to be like your parents or do you want to be different? Right now, I'm sorry to say, you are still like them. If you leave the forum, you will be giving up on an opportunity to start being different.

 

[Tanishq]

You sound like my mother.

Hi Bitterfight, I don't know your mother. I have read Pencil's response. Wow, what can I say? Can you put yourself in that position for a while and try to think. Post with much patience, think about consequence, provide advice with cool mind. Oh God, on top of it she kindly tells you don't to leave this forum because Pencil knows how helpful this forum is. She understands this place can help you to become what you want to be.

Pencil is tough mother from what I read and she is mature because she thinks about consequences of things. She has maturity, therefore she can understand things related with maturity. I can assure you bitterfight that Pencil will never pick on fight with you.

If I were you, I would read her post with calm mind and give it a thought. I am not trying to defence anyone here, just saying what I am reading in this thread. No hard feelings or no bad intentions. I will say the same bitterfight, please stay here. We can disagree to each other, we people will never fight with each other or kick each other. :)

 

[littlelostchild]

I agree with @Tanishq, Pencil has given you a well thought out post, although very different from mine and others, it is valid. That is the great thing about the forum, you have access to people with very different experiences and interpretations. You get to read, think and decide based on your assessment of the suggestions, having the opportunity to take the responsibility for your ultimate actions.

Here on the forum, we may have different ideas, but we respect each other. I hope you consider this as you decide whether or not to join the forum discussions again.

I truly hope things work out for you.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks @Tanishq :)

Here is a really great article. I'm not aiming it at you specifically @bitterfight_, I think every human being on earth can benefit from it.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/blameBadBehavior.htm