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- #13
bitterfight_
Bronze Member
I apologize for coming off harshly, but please understand where I am coming from.
I understand the phrase you've taught your daughter, however I am not your daughter. I spent 3 years backing down from confrontation, and taking the abuse from peers at school without igniting it. People found it "fun" to attack me, and I dealt with it by taking it out on myself through cutting myself and trying to commit suicide. Do the right thing? What is the "right thing", in this scenario, may I ask? How about when my dad screams in my face, or threatens to slap me, or drives the car so fast when he's irritated with me that I'm scared he's going to drive off a cliff? I'm supposed to just take it in with a stone face and say nothing, do nothing? It makes me feel like I did with my previous trauma, and I'm sorry if you haven't been through what I've been through, but our situations and our emotions are not the same. He got mad because I asked a question (albeit very nicely), and then he got mad because I grabbed it from his hand. I don't like playing the blame game, but I'm tired of being the one at fault, by my parents and now by strangers on the internet.
(1) I don't "make" him get angry because I asked him a question politely. I don't "make" him nasty to me when he decides he's having a bad day. I don't "make" him grab me. That's his choices to do so. Not mine. I can understand that I say things like "well he made me angry so", but that is in the haste of the moment. What I mean is that I felt cornered, defensive, and attacked. What else was I to do? My reaction was mine, and I own that. I don't blame him for my reaction, but I definitely blame him for becoming enraged because I asked a simple question.
(2) I respect others' boundaries, and respect other people indefinitely, but ultimately, if someone isn't willing to respect mine, I am not going to sit there and take it anymore. Unfortunately, I am not someone who lies down anymore, because the last time I did, I was almost killed. I'm not blaming someone for my behavior, feelings, and actions. I'm blaming him for losing control of his behavior, and thus taking it out on me, when I am not his punching bag. You're not supposed to hurt the people you love. I'm not looking for you to tell me that my parents are awful, because they aren't. They are wonderful, and I love them on the good days.
I'm very confused from your response as what you want me to say, if you're not blaming me? To shift the locus of control, would be to say "this situation is entirely my fault because if I hadn't have grabbed the stereo, things wouldn't have gotten out of control", but that's falsification of an entire situation. In that case, the locus of control accounts for only my actions, not others, and that's blaming me entirely. It doesn't take into account that even if I hadn't grabbed that stereo, he was still angry enough to storm back to my room and continually scream at me. So, how do I shift this locus of control, if I may ask? I'm actually curious, because I don't understand how this isn't considered blaming me, and I'd like to be able to get him to understand how to shift his locus of control.
I'm sorry to hear about the dealings with your sister, and how relentless and nasty she is being, and I think you are doing the right things, but our situation is different, and you cannot apply your situation to mine. That would be projecting. I would also never think of assaulting, maiming, or killing my parents. There is a difference between attacking someone out of cold blood and rage, and defending yourself, and by trying to compare the two scenarios, I continue to be confused and stunned by what you're asking of me. If someone physically assaults you, you're telling me that you'd let them? As someone who it has happened to once, I am not about to let that happen again.
I am not like my parents. I don't scream in people's faces for no reason, and I do not threaten to hit people when they're crying because I screamed in their face, or hide from them to scare them. I don't call my parents overdramatic, or tell them that no one will believe them if they tell someone. I don't tell them that the police are coming to get them, and then laughing because it scared them because it "worked". I don't do that sort of behavior to anyone, because as someone who has been targeted like that before at school, I know how awful it feels to be on the receiving end. I would never put anyone through that.
As for the others who responded, I did put myself in that position, and I responded when I was much calmer and though things through, but I will hold steady to my response. I am not a malicious animal incapable of rational thought, and fueled by anger and rage. I am loving, and I am capable of taking people back, as I do time and time and time again. All I am asking is what can I do (family therapy?) to solve this. I am trying to think of a rational solution, other than being melodramatic and packing up and leaving because I would rather try and fix these issues through than throw a fit and leave. I think that shows maturity, and I find it funny that a few people have suggested I'm not, because I'm thinking things through rationally. I agree that @Pencil gave me a well thought out post, and it is valid in some scenarios, but as someone who doesn't understand who I am as a person, I didn't think it was fair of @Pencil to assume I am this enraged girl who is intent on hurting people around her and blaming them. I definitely respected all of your posts, but I was looking for some guidance on whether or not family therapy has worked with some of you, or not, but I guess I should have stated that from the beginning.
Nonetheless, thank you for your responses, and for the article. I appreciate you all taking the time out to read and respond.
I understand the phrase you've taught your daughter, however I am not your daughter. I spent 3 years backing down from confrontation, and taking the abuse from peers at school without igniting it. People found it "fun" to attack me, and I dealt with it by taking it out on myself through cutting myself and trying to commit suicide. Do the right thing? What is the "right thing", in this scenario, may I ask? How about when my dad screams in my face, or threatens to slap me, or drives the car so fast when he's irritated with me that I'm scared he's going to drive off a cliff? I'm supposed to just take it in with a stone face and say nothing, do nothing? It makes me feel like I did with my previous trauma, and I'm sorry if you haven't been through what I've been through, but our situations and our emotions are not the same. He got mad because I asked a question (albeit very nicely), and then he got mad because I grabbed it from his hand. I don't like playing the blame game, but I'm tired of being the one at fault, by my parents and now by strangers on the internet.
(1) I don't "make" him get angry because I asked him a question politely. I don't "make" him nasty to me when he decides he's having a bad day. I don't "make" him grab me. That's his choices to do so. Not mine. I can understand that I say things like "well he made me angry so", but that is in the haste of the moment. What I mean is that I felt cornered, defensive, and attacked. What else was I to do? My reaction was mine, and I own that. I don't blame him for my reaction, but I definitely blame him for becoming enraged because I asked a simple question.
(2) I respect others' boundaries, and respect other people indefinitely, but ultimately, if someone isn't willing to respect mine, I am not going to sit there and take it anymore. Unfortunately, I am not someone who lies down anymore, because the last time I did, I was almost killed. I'm not blaming someone for my behavior, feelings, and actions. I'm blaming him for losing control of his behavior, and thus taking it out on me, when I am not his punching bag. You're not supposed to hurt the people you love. I'm not looking for you to tell me that my parents are awful, because they aren't. They are wonderful, and I love them on the good days.
I'm very confused from your response as what you want me to say, if you're not blaming me? To shift the locus of control, would be to say "this situation is entirely my fault because if I hadn't have grabbed the stereo, things wouldn't have gotten out of control", but that's falsification of an entire situation. In that case, the locus of control accounts for only my actions, not others, and that's blaming me entirely. It doesn't take into account that even if I hadn't grabbed that stereo, he was still angry enough to storm back to my room and continually scream at me. So, how do I shift this locus of control, if I may ask? I'm actually curious, because I don't understand how this isn't considered blaming me, and I'd like to be able to get him to understand how to shift his locus of control.
I'm sorry to hear about the dealings with your sister, and how relentless and nasty she is being, and I think you are doing the right things, but our situation is different, and you cannot apply your situation to mine. That would be projecting. I would also never think of assaulting, maiming, or killing my parents. There is a difference between attacking someone out of cold blood and rage, and defending yourself, and by trying to compare the two scenarios, I continue to be confused and stunned by what you're asking of me. If someone physically assaults you, you're telling me that you'd let them? As someone who it has happened to once, I am not about to let that happen again.
I am not like my parents. I don't scream in people's faces for no reason, and I do not threaten to hit people when they're crying because I screamed in their face, or hide from them to scare them. I don't call my parents overdramatic, or tell them that no one will believe them if they tell someone. I don't tell them that the police are coming to get them, and then laughing because it scared them because it "worked". I don't do that sort of behavior to anyone, because as someone who has been targeted like that before at school, I know how awful it feels to be on the receiving end. I would never put anyone through that.
As for the others who responded, I did put myself in that position, and I responded when I was much calmer and though things through, but I will hold steady to my response. I am not a malicious animal incapable of rational thought, and fueled by anger and rage. I am loving, and I am capable of taking people back, as I do time and time and time again. All I am asking is what can I do (family therapy?) to solve this. I am trying to think of a rational solution, other than being melodramatic and packing up and leaving because I would rather try and fix these issues through than throw a fit and leave. I think that shows maturity, and I find it funny that a few people have suggested I'm not, because I'm thinking things through rationally. I agree that @Pencil gave me a well thought out post, and it is valid in some scenarios, but as someone who doesn't understand who I am as a person, I didn't think it was fair of @Pencil to assume I am this enraged girl who is intent on hurting people around her and blaming them. I definitely respected all of your posts, but I was looking for some guidance on whether or not family therapy has worked with some of you, or not, but I guess I should have stated that from the beginning.
Nonetheless, thank you for your responses, and for the article. I appreciate you all taking the time out to read and respond.
