Well...Hi. I told myself I was over this years ago, but here I am. I didn't want to feel like I was "different" anymore. But I've come to realize that in some ways I am still different, so I came here in hopes of finding some people - or even just one person - who is like me.
I don't like to feel like a victim or call myself one, or blame all of my problems on some thing someone did to me years ago. But if you remain affected by something someone has done to you - if you sit there content with it, without moving forward - then you're allowing yourself to stay a victim. You are allowing them to still victimize you, even if youre a thousand miles and ten years away. At least that's what I tell myself.
I was diagnosed with PTSD nine years ago after coming out of an abusive "relationship" which lasted about two months. During those months, I was on the "Missing Persons" list. I was Kidnapped. Not allowed contact with anyone but him. Controlled. Beaten. Manipulated. Verbally abused. Raped. Strangled. Threatened with death too many times to recall. Even hunted down with a gun. I hesitate to get any more detailed, since one of the last things he ever said to me was he would always look for me no matter where I went.
I went through the court system and feel like they failed me, since he was only sent to a mental health facility for a year, so he is out there somewhere. I moved far away but still am afraid. I wanted to change my name but couldn't afford it. I am afraid to register to vote or do anything that might result in my name and address being on public record.
I am afraid to pass by a window at night if the curtain is open. If someone tailgates me at night I freak out. If a number I dont recognize comes up on my phone I panic. Little things like that all the time. I have horrible nightmares. And this I am afraid is now affecting my relationship even though I was sure I was "over it" for the most part.
If my boyfriend and I are arguing and he gestures with his hands, I cover my head with my hands and turn away. And I think sometimes I push him away, or get defensive, and have trouble communicating. Also, I feel safer being at home rather than going out. So I stay home all the time and have not made any close friends since moving here three years ago. And I feel uneasy meeting new people. I always feel insecure. If I DONT feel like they are judging me (which I usually do), then I will judge myself in comparison to them.
Because of that, people DO judge me. Because they think I dont like them if I dont call or stop by often enough or things like that. Some people in my boyfriends family even dont like our relationship because when I am around them they think I am - too quiet, never seem happy enough, not outgoing enough, and they feel like I dont really like to go out and do enough things. So they think Im not right for him.
I just dont want to be like this. And I dont want him to suffer anymore for anything I have gone through. I want to stop feeling like maybe he would be better off with someone "normal."
So Im here. Baby steps.
I don't like to feel like a victim or call myself one, or blame all of my problems on some thing someone did to me years ago. But if you remain affected by something someone has done to you - if you sit there content with it, without moving forward - then you're allowing yourself to stay a victim. You are allowing them to still victimize you, even if youre a thousand miles and ten years away. At least that's what I tell myself.
I was diagnosed with PTSD nine years ago after coming out of an abusive "relationship" which lasted about two months. During those months, I was on the "Missing Persons" list. I was Kidnapped. Not allowed contact with anyone but him. Controlled. Beaten. Manipulated. Verbally abused. Raped. Strangled. Threatened with death too many times to recall. Even hunted down with a gun. I hesitate to get any more detailed, since one of the last things he ever said to me was he would always look for me no matter where I went.
I went through the court system and feel like they failed me, since he was only sent to a mental health facility for a year, so he is out there somewhere. I moved far away but still am afraid. I wanted to change my name but couldn't afford it. I am afraid to register to vote or do anything that might result in my name and address being on public record.
I am afraid to pass by a window at night if the curtain is open. If someone tailgates me at night I freak out. If a number I dont recognize comes up on my phone I panic. Little things like that all the time. I have horrible nightmares. And this I am afraid is now affecting my relationship even though I was sure I was "over it" for the most part.
If my boyfriend and I are arguing and he gestures with his hands, I cover my head with my hands and turn away. And I think sometimes I push him away, or get defensive, and have trouble communicating. Also, I feel safer being at home rather than going out. So I stay home all the time and have not made any close friends since moving here three years ago. And I feel uneasy meeting new people. I always feel insecure. If I DONT feel like they are judging me (which I usually do), then I will judge myself in comparison to them.
Because of that, people DO judge me. Because they think I dont like them if I dont call or stop by often enough or things like that. Some people in my boyfriends family even dont like our relationship because when I am around them they think I am - too quiet, never seem happy enough, not outgoing enough, and they feel like I dont really like to go out and do enough things. So they think Im not right for him.
I just dont want to be like this. And I dont want him to suffer anymore for anything I have gone through. I want to stop feeling like maybe he would be better off with someone "normal."
So Im here. Baby steps.
