Even Though I Have Ptsd, I Still Enjoy Reminiscing About The Past.

[Kashi]

Is this healthy? One thing I found out about myself is that I don't like to think about the good stuff that happened back then, because the bad stuff that happened made it meaningless. So I'm mostly just moping around in my filthy memories. I keep trying to convince myself that doing this is bad, but just thinking, obsessing, about my guilt, regret, and anger just fills a certain hole in me that nothing else can. Is it okay to just waddle in these bad memories? Is it bad that it's one of the only things that make me feel like myself?

 

[franciemarnie]

Is it possible you sort of lost the self or buried the self that did have some happiness once so it is easier and more natural to identify with the horror?

I know our brains imprint the lousy stuff more deeply due to evolutionary survival - learning what not to do was more important than the good stuff. Kinda like Never forget.

But though I think I get the inclination, I think it's antithetical to healing so I personally would make great efforts not to wallow unnecessarily. I've had enough pain.

 

[arfie]

In my own case, I suppressed ALL my memories, good, bad and indifferent. It caused more problems than I care to list. When I started processing the memories, I had to swim through allot of toxic sludge to get to those good memories, but, as you said, the good memories only seemed to heighten the betrayals within the traumatic memories.

I think healing that sense of betrayal and all its associated trust issues was my sub-conscious motive for the wallowing. No, I do not believe it is healthy to be wallowing in the filthy memories. Nor is it healthy to live by the lack of trust that caused me to reject the golden moments. Working with it until I could trust goodness brought balance. I learned how to look backward without staring. Just me.

 

[Barconian]

When I went through my negative periods, I did the same, @Kashi What I kept doing was force myself to find a positive, any positive, big or small and I Remind myself that I am thinking negative and I need to stop it! As soon as you can find a focus, the bad thoughts should go away, unless you let them back.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I don't like to think about the good stuff that happened back then, because the bad stuff that happened made it meaningless.

Maybe this is a long shot, and maybe it's impossible. But I wonder, can you learn to separate the good stuff from the bad stuff in your head? I can tell you it helps with courage and will to live (I hope you already have that). In my case, if I think back to the good memories, there is also some hope. I remember that some moments were good, so there's hope that I can continue to make good memories right now and in the future.

I think by denying yourself of the opportunity of acknowledging the good stuff, you might be making your entire past (and as such, the foundations of who you are today) a negative thing. I think I understand where you're coming from though and I know it's easy to say, but not as easy to do.

It's probably important to balance both the positive and the negative. Don't let the negative cancel out the positive, or substract any credibility from it that way. Same goes for the other way around.

just thinking, obsessing, about my guilt, regret, and anger just fills a certain hole in me that nothing else can.

Familiar feeling. I used to have that (and still have it sometimes, but I consider it toxic now). I think it's because something in me was convinced that only if it held on to the regret and anger, it would eventually find some kind of righteousness. Which was not the case, wallowing in those emotions only caused me to stay stuck in the past, on the long run.

 

[Britt.f7]

It is hard to separate the bad from the good but it can be done. Yes, there were bad things that happened in my childhood, but there were also good things. I try to focus on them. I don't ignore the bad. They were there and I am not going to pretend that they didn't happen, but I am trying, now a days, to focus on what was good. Can't change either the bad or good from happening, but, I can control(for the most part) what I think of. Some days it just takes more work.

 

[Hashi]

Is it okay to just waddle in these bad memories?

I suppose it depends on whether you mind staying stuck.

 

[Notsowild]

Wow quite the thread @Kashi

I have a hard time wanting to remember the good times. I feel they were set up - like in a cult-like setting - to make us not tell anyone. To keep us a little happy so we didn't run away. Which we did I few times anyways. To keep our dirty little secret to ourselves.

Does that sound awful or what

 

[Kashi]

I suppose it depends on whether you mind staying stuck.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I really want to get unstuck. If getting rid of my PTSD meant my detachment from my past, then I'm not really sure if I want to. Everybody wants me to get healthy, so I don't want to let them down. I think I might have sone mental block that prevents me from wanting the best for myself. I've been bullied so much, I started to accept the reality of misery and bathe in it. So I'm afraid of happiness. I'm afraid of losing it. My counselor... She said I had self-confidence issues. Maybe this was what she meant.

 

[Barconian]

Everybody wants me to get healthy, so I don't want to let them down. I think I might have sone mental block that prevents me from wanting the best for myself

It is easier to stay in our comfort zone, whether it be good or bad... Wouldn't your fear for happiness be fear of the fight to be happy and confident? Feeling good about yourself is a fantastic feeling and beats misery and fear any day!!!

 

[Kashi]

Right now, I'm stuck between two places. I have the will to fight, and I haven't given up life. But I may have given up living a happy life. My life's always been like this, so I'm not sure if I can even change my reality.

 

[Barconian]

I don't know Kashi... It is a big enough challenge to get back to what you remember about happiness. It is a lot harder when you haven't experienced happiness before. But! I do know it is possible to make your life better!

Every year I would set myself goals and every year I would look back to see what I achieved to get an idea of where I was at. I found that when I went searching for the positives of my past, it would make me feel that little bit happier each year. Even today I have my ups and downs, like being on a roller coaster of emotions (I like flat ground with my emotions, but then I am boring).

Never apologise Never surrender and Never say die ;)