That's how I feel, but no one seems to here. I scream louder and still nothing. I am hurting so much and can't take it, I am drowning and I can't breath. I can't think clearly. I am so scared and so terrified because I don't know where to run.
I don't know how to get help. I try so many different ways to figure it out. Where do I go wrong? I don't know how to get my needs met. This has been a problem since I was as young as I can remember.
I remember being about two. I don't know why I was terrified but I remember the feeling so clear. I knew i needed my mom to pick me up so I could be safe. She was sitting in the the big black recliner and I tried to climb on her lap. She kept pushing me down. I feel stuck in time there as that began a pattern throughout my life. The desperation to try and get help and and being punished for it instead.
So many times I cried as a child for someone to save me. The frustration of not being able to figure out how to get that or even comfort. Being at school and craving comfort with every fiber of my being but to paralyzed to speak up. As early as the fourth grade I was self harming. I know my thoughts were "Can't they see how much pain I am in?" I think at that time it may have started as an attempt to get noticed? I don't know. But it only ever got me in trouble.
There were many times I did reach out but was rejected. I didn't know the right words. I used the word spank because that was the only word I was familiar with. So the result was being told there is nothing wrong with being spanked. It was far above and beyond what would be considered spanking. I just didn't know. I was conditioned never to say more than that.
I was always told that I don't know how good I have it. That I was lucky. If it wasn't for their extreme generosity i would be out on the streets because no one would want me. My own parents didn't want me so why would anyone else? I didn't understand as a child that I wouldn't be left on the streets, so the fear of being cold and starving increased my fear of reaching out for help.
This was the pattern, wash rinse and repeat. I don't know how to break out of it. I have more going on than I can cope with. I need help with day to day stuff. I can't function, I just freeze and I can't break out of the freezing up. And once again I get punished and I can't escape the pain.
I so desperately just need comfort. More than anything I need a hug. I wasn't allowed hugs as a child. Even as a young adult, when I was in the wost emotional pain I had experienced, my grandmother just said, "you know don't do hugs"
I have spent the last 7 days trying to get up the guts to write a thread. I am not looking for advice. I just to hear someone tell me it's going to be ok.
I don't know how to get help. I try so many different ways to figure it out. Where do I go wrong? I don't know how to get my needs met. This has been a problem since I was as young as I can remember.
I remember being about two. I don't know why I was terrified but I remember the feeling so clear. I knew i needed my mom to pick me up so I could be safe. She was sitting in the the big black recliner and I tried to climb on her lap. She kept pushing me down. I feel stuck in time there as that began a pattern throughout my life. The desperation to try and get help and and being punished for it instead.
So many times I cried as a child for someone to save me. The frustration of not being able to figure out how to get that or even comfort. Being at school and craving comfort with every fiber of my being but to paralyzed to speak up. As early as the fourth grade I was self harming. I know my thoughts were "Can't they see how much pain I am in?" I think at that time it may have started as an attempt to get noticed? I don't know. But it only ever got me in trouble.
There were many times I did reach out but was rejected. I didn't know the right words. I used the word spank because that was the only word I was familiar with. So the result was being told there is nothing wrong with being spanked. It was far above and beyond what would be considered spanking. I just didn't know. I was conditioned never to say more than that.
I was always told that I don't know how good I have it. That I was lucky. If it wasn't for their extreme generosity i would be out on the streets because no one would want me. My own parents didn't want me so why would anyone else? I didn't understand as a child that I wouldn't be left on the streets, so the fear of being cold and starving increased my fear of reaching out for help.
This was the pattern, wash rinse and repeat. I don't know how to break out of it. I have more going on than I can cope with. I need help with day to day stuff. I can't function, I just freeze and I can't break out of the freezing up. And once again I get punished and I can't escape the pain.
I so desperately just need comfort. More than anything I need a hug. I wasn't allowed hugs as a child. Even as a young adult, when I was in the wost emotional pain I had experienced, my grandmother just said, "you know don't do hugs"
I have spent the last 7 days trying to get up the guts to write a thread. I am not looking for advice. I just to hear someone tell me it's going to be ok.
