Every semester I go back to school I snap

[Strangelongtrip]

Ever since I was a kid, I would have breakdowns when school started again. Like, fits of anxiety and anger so bad I would be inconsolable for days, even as a kid. I think part of that was probably being in school with someone who assaulted me but she left in middle school and it continued. It's continued through high school and now college. I get suicidal, I get angry, I get irritable and intermittently hazy. It has been getting better as I go on through trauma therapy, though. My first semester back to college in 2018 was baaaad, even though I was just going online. The first week I was working 50 hours that week and was trying to relearn calculus for a second level calc class when I hadn't taken calc in 5 years.

I don't remember much of that spring term, but I know March 2019 when my books came in wrong I self harmed for the first time in a year. I feel mildly better starting now, but I wanna run so bad. Like, I just want to deconstruct my life. I want a new job, I don't want to go to school anymore (I have 20 months left), I want to move, I want to just do nothing for one dang day. I think part of the problem is how much I've been working, but I needed to work this much to make the money to pay for school in the first place. I've felt incredibly numb all summer, very out of touch with my emotions for the most part, and it's all flooding back now. I don't feel like I'm going to snap but I can't focus, I feel adrift, I feel anxious and angry all the time and on top of it I missed morning meds yesterday and I think that threw me out of whack. I'm trying to do things to relax and not overload myself by working on side projects (I was working basically from 7am to 10pm on either my business or my writing for 3 weeks to finish a draft and get through my busy season). I'm so burnt out and I don't know how to say no, but I'm learning.

I mainly needed to vent, or if anyone had any idea why school just messes me up so much. Thank you!

 

[pam4him]

Ever since I was a kid, I would have breakdowns when school started again. Like, fits of anxiety and anger so bad I would be inconsolable for days, even as a kid. I think part of that was probably being in school with someone who assaulted me but she left in middle school and it continued. It's continued through high school and now college. I get suicidal, I get angry, I get irritable and intermittently hazy. It has been getting better as I go on through trauma therapy, though. My first semester back to college in 2018 was baaaad, even though I was just going online. The first week I was working 50 hours that week and was trying to relearn calculus for a second level calc class when I hadn't taken calc in 5 years.

I don't remember much of that spring term, but I know March 2019 when my books came in wrong I self harmed for the first time in a year. I feel mildly better starting now, but I wanna run so bad. Like, I just want to deconstruct my life. I want a new job, I don't want to go to school anymore (I have 20 months left), I want to move, I want to just do nothing for one dang day. I think part of the problem is how much I've been working, but I needed to work this much to make the money to pay for school in the first place. I've felt incredibly numb all summer, very out of touch with my emotions for the most part, and it's all flooding back now. I don't feel like I'm going to snap but I can't focus, I feel adrift, I feel anxious and angry all the time and on top of it I missed morning meds yesterday and I think that threw me out of whack. I'm trying to do things to relax and not overload myself by working on side projects (I was working basically from 7am to 10pm on either my business or my writing for 3 weeks to finish a draft and get through my busy season). I'm so burnt out and I don't know how to say no, but I'm learning.

I mainly needed to vent, or if anyone had any idea why school just messes me up so much. Thank you!

So sorry you are struggling. It sounds like school starting is a serious trigger for you. It could be fresh in your mind as you are doing therapy, which is normal. We have to get the hurt out and work through it, process it for our minds to be able to move past it. Give yourself some time to do the therapy work, it should pay off in the long run. As for work and school, it sounds like you really need to find a way to say no to a few things. Perhaps a smaller class load, consider a job change with higher pay to allow for less hours, etc. Spending too much time on things requiring high concentration doesn't allow your mind to rest much and work through therapy. Prayers for wisdom, peace and rest.

 

[Keming]

Overstress.

In university I learned I had to set time out for exercise, every day - didnt' matter what, as long as it was about 2 hours long. Every day it felt like I was screwing up, couldn't afford to take a break from work; but every day I was better afterwards. 2 hours exercise was a very efficient, very effective way to counter mental fatigue.

 

[Justmehere]

I mainly needed to vent, or if anyone had any idea why school just messes me up so much. Thank you!

1 in 5 grad students have self harmed during their academic careers and many undergrad have coped with school stress in a lot of maladaptive ways. You are not alone. It can be a pressure cooker.

School fills up the stress cup of those without PTSD. With PTSD, your stress cup will fill up even faster. You have the extra challenge of school itself being a reminder of trauma and you have taken on an impressive amount of work.

I’m glad you are learning to say no. That’s great idea.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you all!! I'm doing so much better this semester, but still having trouble sleeping from stress and pain. I think excercising sounds like a great idea @Keming , it seems to help me a lot! Thank you all again!