Everything i have to say seems stupid

[mylunareclipse]

I read to my therapist something about my childhood yesterday. About how I always felt unloved in my family and I didn't know what to do about it. About feeling unwanted, unloved, invisible.
As soon as I was done reading it, I started feeling so dumb and stupid for doing so. I wanted to punch myself or hit myself. I hated being so dramatic. I knew that feeling this way had hurt a lot growing up, but now I couldn't understand what the hell I was complaining about, rather than being a big baby.
I left therapy and all I did was sob for an hour and tell myself I hated myself. I was stupid and I didn't deserve to be alive. I still feel terrible and that I should just die to save other people from disgusting me. I don't know where this came from. I had been doing so good in the last few weeks and feeling genuinely happy. All of a sudden, I have lost touch and been buried in these feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I wish I could understand why I feel so terrible.
It seems like every time I speak in therapy even remotely about something related to my childhood the same thing happens, to the point that I feel like I should avoid talking about anything all together. I don't know how to not feel stupid for what I am saying and sharing in therapy. Everything I have to say sounds so stupid and unimportant.

 

[Muttly]

I am sorry you are going through that. You aren't alone. Not sure if that helps, but a lot of us experience similar things. What helped me a lot was talking about the talking. What I mean is, I had many conversations with my therapist about how talking about things made me feel. How I coped after. How saying things made me hate myself. A lot of good healing work came from those conversations and it was a bit removed with talking about what actually happened when I was a child so it was a bit more manageable. I hope you can hang in there. Sending support your way.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you @Muttly . I am just surprised at the rapid catapult in such a hopeless place.
The only thing I can take heart in is that at least I am somewhat linking what I said to what I felt afterward and now. Before I would get suicidal and not even understand why it was happening. It still doesn't make talking about any of this any easier. I will try to talk more to my therapist about this. Thank you for the suggestion. At least yesterday all these feelings came in session and was saying how I felt stupid and dumb for sharing.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I relate haha! I feel dumb all the time there. It's ok. Feeling dumb doesn't mean you ARE dumb.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I dealt with my inner critic today and know that it really sux to listening to all of the ways the inner critic has a go at me and one of the ways today was to tell me that I am dumb and stupid. All lies from my abusive parents while growing up.

As soon as I catch this happening I do express it and go for help with peers and going back into therapy for other issues that I need to face and deal with.

You are not alone.

I understand where you are coming from. Becoming aware is half the battle because once these lies I tell myself come out into the light , they do shrink eventually. But the dumb and stupid is particularly hurtful. I dissociated so much growing up that I have so many gaps in my memory now.

Be kind and gentle to you okay? You are not dumb and stupid, and the feelings most likely are based on someone else's lies that you now believe. I hope that you can take this into therapy.

 

[mylunareclipse]

How sweet of you @Rain . Thank you!

I did reach out to my therapist and she was really reassuring and told me that she thought what I had to say was meaningful and important.

It just caught me off guard the dark placenit carapulted menso quickly. It's like wowow I didn't even know these feelings were still there I had buried them so deeply.

Over two years in therapy and at least now I can recognize that my therapist is probably not judging me I am probably judging myself and that talking about painful stuff is bound to bring up painful feelings.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can relate and it is hard. I am glad you spoke to your T about it. I wish I wish I had advice, but I can say it isn't uncommon.

 

[zoe]

I am impressed! I have been in therapy longer than I care to admit and it took me much longer than 2 years to realize that just talking about my childhood could trigger these hopeless and helpless feelings that you speak of. I too would plummet quickly into thinking the world would be better off without me. The first time I told him how they made me feel he got all excited and said, "that is progress!" I thought he was full of crap because I felt like hell talking about it. I do understand now that awareness of what triggers me has been a key element to healing. I know you feel bad now but it will get better. That is why I liked Rain's post so much because it is very true that we judge ourselves based on the messages we received as children. You were not an awful child and you are not an awful adult. You are hurting and it will get better. You need to give yourself a break from those thoughts - give yourself some TLC. You deserve it!

 

[The Albatross]

Instead of feeling stupid, complaining, self loathing, and like you're a big baby... maybe you can pause to consider that it is a opportunity to learn and mature in areas where you were stunted or adversely affected... and begin a self directed pro-active life?

It is hard to change a thinking pattern but doable, Anthony has some good articles here on this.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I had to comment on this thread, even though I don't post much. I have a similar background with my childhood. Early on in therapy, actually about 6 weeks in...I wanted to read him something from my journal. It was scary because I hate reading out loud but I needed him to understand something more and I couldn't express it without writing. Anyway....I'll never forget that day. Out of habit, I always say I am stupid or stuff I do is. I was about to start reading and I was like "ok but Its stupid" and he said to me "You wrote the word stupid on a piece of paper to read to me?" Then smiled. It was weird because it was not a type of response I'd ever had. It stuck with me. I was able to read it and even though I was shaking because of reading out loud, when I finished he said "Yay!!! You made it!"

That was the first time I really remember in therapy, that a different type of response than I am used to really effected me. I understand how you can feel stupid or think you are, I still sometimes do, but just remember, if they are a good therapist, they wont MAKE you feel stupid... but rather the opposite. This is your life, your story. It's important to know :)

 

[NightSky]

Have you read about Internal Family Systems? It can help you understand the different roles parts of you play. I'm reading it now and it's helping me not hate the part that needs to talk vs the parts that come out to shut up the "exile" who has legitimate needs.
The other thing I recommend reading about is Self Compassion. Until very recently I didn't realize what a big role that would play in my progress (or, how much my lack of self compassion hinders any progress.) I cannot ask for an ounce of help without feeling needy and I cannot talk about my emotions at all without feeling dramatic. Even though I'm the least dramatic person I know. So I know those are some voices from my childhood. And I know I need to learn true self compassion and start to practice it or else I will never get anywhere.
Just some ideas. I know this is so hard but you're articulating yourself so well that I believe this is actually a good thing for you to recognize and talk about with your T.

 

[mamachick]

This is a great thread....very sad as I can relate to everything said. I also grew up with little or no self compassion being hard on myself. I worked an adult children of alcoholic program in 80's and worked through all this self talk. I can honestly say that I learned self compassion and described myself in a positive way and knew many positive attributes about myself. It was easy for many years. Little by little I lost that ability and I have a distorted self perception. It can be very difficult to change if one remains in abusive situations and has learned helplessness. I grieve for my old self, for the confidence I had and for the life that came with it. My automatic thoughts are now that I am stupid and lazy....and I really kind of am. Such a self fulfilling prophecy!

In ACOA recovery I recall have a page full of adjectives and using them for self description and challenging anything that was not really valid and using examples that repeated over time. Over time, I came to know myself much better. I came to know that my strengths far outweighed my weaknesses. I know what needs done, I just don't know if I have the energy to come out of this rabbit hole at my age and repeat the lessons once learned.