General Ex boyfriend explosive anger

[FeelingUsed2020]

Hi, my ex boyfriend spent 20 years in the Royal Engineers there's a 20 year age gap between us. He's been diagnosed with PTSD and blames me for everything i try and talk to him nice and calm but he just explodes he's threatened me twice with physical violence. I dont know what else to do

 

[Ronin]

Hi.

Glad you are here and talking.

Doing good by talking.

What you do is get out and away from him.

Because that is not him sick that is him being a bad person.

Also that is too big different age.
Twenty years gives people too much power and might be hard even if they are kind people.

I don't mean to say you are a dishonorable woman.
I mean to say been there and it's a lot of years that can cause problems even in good people.

 

[FeelingUsed2020]

Hi, i use to react to his anger with anger but I've been working hard on myself now i just to to him nice and calm, i know he can't help having PTSD thats from all the things he's seen and done in combat i understand that. I've set boundaries with him explaining i won't be spoken to like dirt. The last two times have been really bad he's explode at me yelling to leave him alone then threatened me with physical violence its all my fault never his. I want to get back with him as i still love him but i cant keep being blamed for everything. Its as if he thinks his PTSD is a get out of jail free card for his behaviour towards me. I feel bad for saying that

 

[Ronin]

Ex or no ex you need to go somewhere safe and where he don't hurt you and his words don't hurt you either.

I'm a vet. Fighting doesn't make you hurt girls (or boys, or other gender peeps) after fighting.

It's not the fighting that makes him hurt anyone now.

It's NEVER your fault. Never.

And don't feel bad for saying the truth because he acts exactly like he thinks that.
You are totally on point there.
PTSD is not a get out of jail card.

Any time you think that is PTSD try take 'cold'.
My cold made me beat her!
My cold made me pull her hair!
My cold made me steal her food!
My cold made me punch that bitch till she bled and begged for mercy!
My cold made me call her a lazy whore for four hours!
My cold made me tie her up!
My cold made me tell her I'll kill her and her dog and friends before that just so the ugly slut sees what she did!

And others.
It's not being sick that makes people sick in the head. Few legit exceptions like tumor (not PTSD) would still not be something to just roll with.

Don't go back with him.
There's so many nice ones who will be good to you :)

Who will make you happy with thoughts of them and not scared or angry or needing to play it nice.

If you *need to* play it nice so nobody is hurt?
They're not good people.

Good people are kind and talking differences out and helping each other and celebrating successes together and safe for everyone's kids around and give space and privacy and tell people what they want respectfully, not by threats day in and day out.

And there are good military people too who not just serve(d) but who treat people good *after*.

He has no right putting you in danger just because he once was in danger.
That's being a bad guy.

I could even say worse bad guy, too.
Because in war bad guy can be expected. But take that home that ain't war.

And you can't do some bad guy thuggery even in war.
That's what court martials or being shot no court is for.

Or 'boyo is screwing up big deal, go find some nicer one.'

Also sorry if I set you off with examples I'm not trying to hurt you more by reactions.

You're doing good making sense of it and asking people. And you are not doing bad just because you couldn't do anything sooner. HE is doing worlds of bad. Not you.

Edit: Books :) I totally forgot say helpful books.

Mr Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' helps de-confuse.
It doesn't talk about vets but it talks about when the problem ain't a man's history, but the man, just fine.

 

[Teasel]

Totally second everything Ronin says. I've been 20 years in a relationship with a man with explosive anger, turned myself inside out trying to make things work.

But reading lundy Bancroft's book helped me see that he behaves the way he does because of the values he has, not because of any other reason, not his childhood nor previous relationships nor any other reason.

The reason he never tried to stop treating me that way is because he didn't want to.

Read the book, it'll be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.

Welcome :)

 

[LuckiLee]

Sounds like untreated ptsd and a deal breaker for me. I'm sorry you're being treated like this but YOU have the power to change your situation. I'm with @Ronin, it doesn't matter the reason he's treating you like this. It's his CHOICE.

If he isn't getting the help he needs, I'd leave.

Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know you love him, but that doesn’t mean he is right for you. You’ve probably dodged a bullet with this break up.

Break ups hurt, and you have to mourn and heal. That is really hard... but do you know what’s harder? Living with somebody treating you like that (or maybe escalating to violence) for years.

 

[FeelingUsed2020]

Thank you so much for all your replies. He kept saying i was poking the hornets nest he had me believing it was all my fault so i wanted to try and understand more

 

[scout86]

He kept saying i was poking the hornets nest

And, maybe you were. But it's HIS hornet's nest and he's the only one who can see it, much less do anything about it. (He needs to do something about it, if he wants to go forward with his life and have a shot a decent relationships with "normal" people.)

 

[Ronin]

^^

You don't need to understand more.
He needs to lash out less.

Like since he came from that war-yesterday. His call to protect, very least not endanger if can't protect, peoples.

 

[froggymom]

I can only strongly agree with what has already been said. It doesn't matter how nice or calm you respond to him.He is in need of professional help and you can't give that to him. You must first look out for your own safety. Hugs.I

 

[Deanna]

Thank you so much for all your replies. He kept saying i was poking the hornets nest he had me believing it was all my fault so i wanted to try and understand more

Well, its clear that he doesn't want to take responsibility further than the hornets nest. I'd move on.