WTF Happened
Bronze Member
Hi, everyone. First time poster. I'm glad forums like these exist -- makes me feel like I'm not crazy. Out of respect for your time, I'll try to condense this saga into something more succinct (edit: just reading my now-written post, I'm not sure if I know what succinct is). I'd appreciate feedback from survivors and supporters alike.
My now ex-girlfriend and I had a perfect, albeit brief (5 month) relationship. And trust me, I'm a cynic -- this was not just a couple of delusional people enjoying the honeymoon period. We fell in love fast and hard, the connection obvious to anyone around us. We were the envy of friends. And though we moved fast, we did so consciously with open eyes, open hearts, and great communication. To quote her, it was, "the type of relationship I always dreamed of but gave up believing was possible."
I must confess, it did have a scandalous start. When we met, she was in a live-in relationship with a boyfriend of 4 years. When we got to know each other and realized we had the real deal, we had to act. This is not something she has a history of and she's not an impulsive person, but she ended that relationship, moved out -- she turned her life upside down to be with me. Again, I'm a cynic -- I watched carefully for signs that this was some kind of mania, or that things were moving too fast, but she always assured me things were great and it was obvious she was genuinely happy.
The problem is, after a few months, she developed a lot of guilt and shame over leaving her ex. She didn't want to be with him and still doesn't, but she just felt really guilty for hurting him. Fair enough. We'd talk about it, she'd try to work through it, and I offered to give her space if she ever needed time alone to grieve the end of that relationship. But this guilt and shame grew to something that was not proportionate to the situation. Not how you'd expect someone to react. She withdrew from me, asked for space to process things, which I granted. It was then that I first got a hint of trauma from her past: she said it was not just her ex that she has to heal from, but there were things from her past that she has long neglected. "The bottom line is I'm hurting and I need help."
Three weeks of no-contact later I reached out. She said she was feeling suicidal for the first time in her life (whoa! not like the happy girl I knew). She said she was having panic attacks (I'd later learn not the first time). She said she couldn't be in a relationship right now and broke up with me over the phone. She sounded emotionless the entire time.
Over the two months since, I just gave her space and didn't contact her, but I found out through a mutual friend that she was making big life changes: she quit her job and found one back in her hometown and is now moving there and staying with mom. She has started drinking to the point where she admits it's a problem. All the while, this girl who adored me, who turned her life upside down for me and then underwent a sudden personality change, has made no effort to communicate with me and was about to skip town without saying a word.
All signs pointed to depression. I read everything I could on it and she checked every box. Finally, I asked if we could meet before she moved. When we did, it was like talking to a stranger. She certainly said words -- like she was sorry, that she's handled everything terribly -- but there was no feeling behind them. She lacked any kind of empathy or remorse. When I tried talking to her about depression, she said she was not depressed. Denial? I wasn't sure. But it was then that she made another reference to something from her past that she was trying to work through. She refused to tell me what that is.
The only thing she did admit to was feeling emotionally numb. So I started researching that and learned more about PTSD. The panic attacks, the brain shutting down emotions, the running away (in relationship and career as well as substance abuse), it started adding up... Then our mutual friend, who is her friend from childhood, told me that she also thinks my ex suffered a past trauma, and she suspects it was rape. She said this because she confided in me that she had also been raped and my ex seemed to be the only one who could truly understand what she was going through.
While I never want to jump to conclusions or diagnose anyone with anything, it is clear my ex is in a lot of pain. The personality change, the lack of empathy/emotions, the avoidance behavior, the vague references to something in her past -- and just the fact that she is treating me, a man she loved, like a total stranger for no reason, all screams severe emotional trauma to me.
So now what? We're not in communication. She's moving away. I wish I could just hate her and say she's a terrible person, unfortunately I've seen the real her and can tell the difference between her and the woman I see now. The woman I love is in some kind of pain. And I know there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to do this on her own (she said she started seeing a therapist but thinks she'll stop because she doesn't like her... ugh...). All I know is that I love her and I would like to leave the door open to reconciliation when and if she comes out of this fog. And all I want to do is follow the book on how to support her best. I read mixed messages on here. Some survivors say to give space but send messages every once in a while to remind them you're there for them. Others say don't reach out at all, she'll contact me if and when she's ready.
Thanks for your help. The hardest part about this has been trying not to take it personally and not reacting to that selfish feeling of wanting her back NOW because I want her back. I know she needs to heal however she wants to heal, I just want to make sure I am giving her everything I can (given the fact I've already been pushed away) to help.
My now ex-girlfriend and I had a perfect, albeit brief (5 month) relationship. And trust me, I'm a cynic -- this was not just a couple of delusional people enjoying the honeymoon period. We fell in love fast and hard, the connection obvious to anyone around us. We were the envy of friends. And though we moved fast, we did so consciously with open eyes, open hearts, and great communication. To quote her, it was, "the type of relationship I always dreamed of but gave up believing was possible."
I must confess, it did have a scandalous start. When we met, she was in a live-in relationship with a boyfriend of 4 years. When we got to know each other and realized we had the real deal, we had to act. This is not something she has a history of and she's not an impulsive person, but she ended that relationship, moved out -- she turned her life upside down to be with me. Again, I'm a cynic -- I watched carefully for signs that this was some kind of mania, or that things were moving too fast, but she always assured me things were great and it was obvious she was genuinely happy.
The problem is, after a few months, she developed a lot of guilt and shame over leaving her ex. She didn't want to be with him and still doesn't, but she just felt really guilty for hurting him. Fair enough. We'd talk about it, she'd try to work through it, and I offered to give her space if she ever needed time alone to grieve the end of that relationship. But this guilt and shame grew to something that was not proportionate to the situation. Not how you'd expect someone to react. She withdrew from me, asked for space to process things, which I granted. It was then that I first got a hint of trauma from her past: she said it was not just her ex that she has to heal from, but there were things from her past that she has long neglected. "The bottom line is I'm hurting and I need help."
Three weeks of no-contact later I reached out. She said she was feeling suicidal for the first time in her life (whoa! not like the happy girl I knew). She said she was having panic attacks (I'd later learn not the first time). She said she couldn't be in a relationship right now and broke up with me over the phone. She sounded emotionless the entire time.
Over the two months since, I just gave her space and didn't contact her, but I found out through a mutual friend that she was making big life changes: she quit her job and found one back in her hometown and is now moving there and staying with mom. She has started drinking to the point where she admits it's a problem. All the while, this girl who adored me, who turned her life upside down for me and then underwent a sudden personality change, has made no effort to communicate with me and was about to skip town without saying a word.
All signs pointed to depression. I read everything I could on it and she checked every box. Finally, I asked if we could meet before she moved. When we did, it was like talking to a stranger. She certainly said words -- like she was sorry, that she's handled everything terribly -- but there was no feeling behind them. She lacked any kind of empathy or remorse. When I tried talking to her about depression, she said she was not depressed. Denial? I wasn't sure. But it was then that she made another reference to something from her past that she was trying to work through. She refused to tell me what that is.
The only thing she did admit to was feeling emotionally numb. So I started researching that and learned more about PTSD. The panic attacks, the brain shutting down emotions, the running away (in relationship and career as well as substance abuse), it started adding up... Then our mutual friend, who is her friend from childhood, told me that she also thinks my ex suffered a past trauma, and she suspects it was rape. She said this because she confided in me that she had also been raped and my ex seemed to be the only one who could truly understand what she was going through.
While I never want to jump to conclusions or diagnose anyone with anything, it is clear my ex is in a lot of pain. The personality change, the lack of empathy/emotions, the avoidance behavior, the vague references to something in her past -- and just the fact that she is treating me, a man she loved, like a total stranger for no reason, all screams severe emotional trauma to me.
So now what? We're not in communication. She's moving away. I wish I could just hate her and say she's a terrible person, unfortunately I've seen the real her and can tell the difference between her and the woman I see now. The woman I love is in some kind of pain. And I know there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to do this on her own (she said she started seeing a therapist but thinks she'll stop because she doesn't like her... ugh...). All I know is that I love her and I would like to leave the door open to reconciliation when and if she comes out of this fog. And all I want to do is follow the book on how to support her best. I read mixed messages on here. Some survivors say to give space but send messages every once in a while to remind them you're there for them. Others say don't reach out at all, she'll contact me if and when she's ready.
Thanks for your help. The hardest part about this has been trying not to take it personally and not reacting to that selfish feeling of wanting her back NOW because I want her back. I know she needs to heal however she wants to heal, I just want to make sure I am giving her everything I can (given the fact I've already been pushed away) to help.
