Relationship Exhaustion

[G-9]

Therapy yesterday involved a long rant of how things have been bad for a long time. 90% of it was about the marriage with just a mention of the sexual abuse and the affair.
The thing is everything that is happening right now aligns with ptsd symptoms. I feel like that is the root and everything is spinning around it
So last night he couldn’t sleep here because of this uncomfortable anxiety ridden feeling he has in our house ever since this all came out
And he’s leaving to be by himself for the next 4 days
Going to the mountains or something, for space and clarity
My heart hurts, like hyperventilating in the shower pain. I’m trying but this is so exhausting
And meanwhile I have to function and take care of my kids.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You do know that you’re allowed to have all the emotions you’re having? It’s alright to be devastated your husband was abused and that he (and you honestly) have to deal with PTSD because of it. Sadness, grief, stress and even anger... Stress from holding it all together, running
the household alone, and protecting the kids from the situation. All your emotions are valid.

Not to mention your husband of twenty years cheated on you. That is devastating.

I’ve also noticed some themes in your posting elsewhere.

The affair he had was a symptom-

f*ck that noise... not a symptom. It was a coping mechanism. PTSD does not cause actions, it causes feelings. He made a choice in how he wanted to deal with that feeling. He’s still responsible for his choices, even with PTSD.

The affair and it’s effect on me has taken a back seat because of the need to stabilize our relationship.

You’re allowed to be hurt and angry. This happened, and you have to process it. You are allowed to be pissed off at him, feel betrayed by him, feel hurt by him.

You don’t have to be a martyr to be a good supporter. Your emotions are just as valid and important as his. Yes... if he is imploding he is not going to be able to deal with your emotions, but that doesn’t mean YOU don’t get to deal with your own.

Put your own air mask on before assisting others.

 

[G-9]

Thank you
And you got me to laugh with the air mask metaphor because I picture one dropping down in the shower
My current plan is to back off
I feel everything
It’s trying to navigate those feelings to function
He’s gone, finding himself somewhere again
I don’t want to be a martyr, it seems when I lose my shit it just reaffirms for him that the relationship isn’t going to work.

And that’s not fair
How would you handle the communications/texts that have already started while he’s gone?
I appreciate your advice and support

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, when my vet starts in, I just listen. When he’s in a dark place, the more I try to defend myself or “talk sense”, the more it blows up in my face. A lot of times he’s catastrophizing or talking out the shit in his head. I worry when he starts acting.

Honestly I’d just assure him you respect his space and boundaries, and let him know you’re there for him and willing to support him and work on the marriage. No drama, high emotion, or bargaining. Even if he were to leave you immediately there’d be nothing you could say to fix it. It’s nothing you did. It’s his issue and he needs to work on it.

I know it’s hard. You kinda hit a “zen” point though.

 

[G-9]

Thank you truly

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know it seems like you should be able to fight and save your husband. Fix him, help him. Fix your marriage. The sad truth is that you are pretty helpless when your partner has a mental illness. He has to do the heavy lifting. You can’t love him better or fix it all by yourself.

It sucks out loud. Being a supporter is pretty f*cking unromantic. It’s possible to make things work though.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Honestly, when my vet starts in, I just listen. When he’s in a dark place, the more I try to defend myself or “talk sense”, the more it blows up in my face.

This! Way totally this!

When I am in a dark place it is not possible for me to be rational or think rational or even act rational. If you try to force rational down my throat you will likely see my rage and I will still be unable to understand, grasp, and "get" anything rational at that point.

Just listening is all you can really do. But, it's probably why I hide when in a dark place mentally.