Exposure Therapy - Am I Doing This Right?

[Sideways]

I didn't really think that the progress of my post-it notes really warranted a brand new thread.

But I've been working away at this and broken through some of the key beliefs (for good...) and *breathe* I just put up my first post-it that says "I am not a whore".

And it's really uncomfortable, but that's okay, that just means that it's registering somewhere in my noggin. But I think I'm ready for this one, and that's amazing because this one feels like the mothership.

So, post-its are still a regular feature on the shopping list, because it's not over yet. But a month ago I wouldn't have been able to tolerate that written anywhere visible in my home. And now I can. Uncomfortably, but me and the post-it are co-existing.

Phwoar. Head spin. That's a big 'un.

 

[ladee]

Do I hear that huge band descending upon you as I write???? I think so !!!!!!
Amazing and so inspiring....lots of hugs for you to use as needed or saved... no one gets to tell you what to do with the hugs.... so there ! :D
So proud, there are no words, so the band speaks for me :hug:

 

[anthony]

Well done... but please take it easy, this is far from over, and beliefs you think you have nailed for good, they will come back and try again. Based on what you have said to me about duration of psychological manipulation, you may have to periodically repeat some you though you had nailed... I'm serious, they will come back and try to take over your headspace again. Beliefs eventually give way to the more rational logic you use against them... but this is only one month into things, and for the next couple of years minimum, this will be a process of repetition for you at times.

So don't beat yourself up thinking you failed, it has nothing to do with you. Belief systems are a prolonged attack, and it is only with time and effort they change for the majority good and are then handled with a mental flip of the hand.

 

[Sideways]

It'll be shitty when they come back. But knowing I've got a strategy that works against them is a big win. And each time they come back, they'll have less bite and be easier to knock down again...At least, that's the theory that I'm working with!

 

[ladee]

Your cheering section is in place !! So when the ugliness starts again.... we will cheer you thru it... did you ever think you would be here, this far @Ragdoll Circus??? I know things I have learned and done differently since being here, amazes me that I think the way I do now... so proud of you girl !!!

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - you're such a champion!

This is where I always wanted to get to, but I never really believed I would. 7 years ago, when I had my v first appointment with a p-doc, I was very clear: the only thing I wanted was to not hate myself so much. There's a post-it note in my kitchen that says "I am not a whore", and that's THE reason I hate myself. That belief.

But I stuck that post-it up last night, and it's still there. And I haven't self-harmed, I haven't scrawled "Slut" all over the walls (would like to, but no, don't do that Ragdoll!), I haven't OD'ed (would like to, but again, perhaps not today). The post-it is just sitting there. I'm out on my patio, and I can feel it sitting there in my kitchen, like a mental challenge, daring me to...

And I'm gonna leave it there. And tonight I might stick another one up somewhere. And tomorrow...it's kind of blowing my mind.

There's gonna be some nastiness with this one. But I'm gonna manage. And at some point, I'm gonna be so okay with that message that I don't even need the post-its telling this is so.

7 years. Nearly managed to kill myself several times (technically managed to a couple of times) and I've done some really heinous shite to myself over that time. Yet here we are. Me and the post-it, uncomfortably co-existing.

I feel like screaming out "There's hope for everyone"! Cause there is. Obviously there is. Go figure!!

 

[ladee]

There will be a dump truck at your house shortly, full of hugs to be dumped in your front yard... and some extra post-its... cause this is GONNA HAPPEN.. !!!! As Anthony said, it will come back.... but there will be a part of your brain so convinced that it is not true... that you can, and will fight it... I have no doubt what so ever about that... and you should be screaming... there is hope, there IS hope.... THERE IS HOPE !!!
I am so grateful you did not manage to kill yourself.. can't imagine my life now without @Ragdoll Circus in it....What a horrible gaping hole that would leave...
Onward, one post-it at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time.... Nothing but pure hope for you !!! you are going to do this... love and hugs.

 

[anthony]

the only thing I wanted was to not hate myself so much

You need to maybe step back a little here, remember my warning to you when starting this, that you will think you're good to go and get ahead of yourself. If you screw with the process and get too far ahead of yourself, you will undo things and start again. Sure, it will be quicker the next time, but you will in essence have to start again.

You should have a logical list of negative beliefs written somewhere and order them from least to worst. That way you don't get ahead of yourself and undo the work you're doing.

If this is the specific one you wanted the most, you're there too fast.

 

[ladee]

Hope you read what Anthony said @Ragdoll Circus... please don't undo what you have worked so hard to do.... :nailbiting:

 

[Sideways]

I hear you.

Damn.

 

[ghotiff]

While I totally agree with going slowly, and also maybe that means your pushing too fast ....

This does not undo your success to be able to have that post it up. Massive success.

Maybe take it down and continue with smaller steps, but the fact that you could cope with that big one up is a huge sign that this process is working for you.

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, ok, pushing the frustration and the "let me get this over with aside". Keep going...Patience has never been my strong suit:cautious:

There are other steps that need to come first, and it's frustrating and shitty, but that's how it is. Better moving forward slowly than plunging backwards.