Relationship Extracting Myself?

[Snowflakes]

@grimalkin I must be missing something here. I'm not being flippant nor sarcastic, I just don't understand why your husband is getting upset that you don't have a job and he is the one telling you he is "done".

And the part about you can't dealing with him thinking you're horrible. He is dumping you, who cares what he thinks?

Now that I got that out of the way, let me ask you a question you were somewhat avoiding earlier. If you're getting a divorce, depending on your State, you're going to have income, assets, and liabilities that need to be dealt with in the financial settlement. I say that because you have assets that he may think he is entitled to, he has an income that you may be entitled to. I don't know about the debts. If you believe, as your write, thinking he might f*ck you over on a rental agreement, what makes anyone think he won't do likewise in a divorce? I'm writing all this because I' remembering a previous post when he said it was him, not the PTSD, saying he was done.

I don't know you well enough to give personal advice but I care that you may not have a place to live in peace. I will say to get it in your head that you need to protect yourself at all costs both legally and financially. Yes, I know a separation or a divorce is a loss that has to be grieved eventually but grieve after you are safe in your own home.

I realize you were more venting than asking for help but I have worked in the Court system (without getting anymore specific) so I think of these things when I see someone write what you wrote. Bottom line....I care.

 

[grimalkin]

@Snowflakes - No flippancy or sarcasm detected. :) And I really want to thank you - your kindness across this forum, not just to me, but to everyone, has been a help to me. I feel like even here, I'm all about "mememe," so I feel like I'm not as kind as I should be (and entirely too long winded! she says as she writes another novel...). You're serving as an excellent example, too. :hug:

I've been working part time because, prior to his PTSD meltdown, we hadn't needed me to work full time. I make enough to give us the extra income we wanted to be able to have some fun, basically, but not enough to live on alone. Then, he decided he was done, and wanted out, and that left me scrambling to find a job, at the end of January. Somehow, between me and our counselor, he was convinced that he can't just walk away and leave me hanging, without enough income to survive on my own. So, between the end of January and now, he and I managed to negotiate to a date of June 1st as the latest when we'll be going our separate ways, which, I'd hoped, gave me enough time to find another job.

The extra income NOW would help with getting a deposit for him together more quickly (again, ridiculous I'm thinking of him so much in this, but hey. Getting him out means I get out too). He found out that he won't need much of a deposit at all for the place he's looking at, but will need it asap, even for May. Which means, dipping into what I was given for my own escape, and I don't trust he'll repay it when I need it (my mom gave me a bit of a nest egg, and an old life insurance policy to cash in, which, between the two, gives me enough money to move, myself, so I don't have to worry about MY expenses). Part of that is that I just don't trust much of anything from him right now, and I am trying very hard to protect myself.

Basically, my not finding a job as quickly as he'd like, even though we have an agreement of sorts, is just another reason for him not to trust me. So, since the feeling is mutual, I guess it's all good. :cautious: Our current rental is ok - we will be month to month, and he realizes if he skips out on rent, he WILL be homeless, so he's not being a complete ass about that. He's still vacillating between being ok with and pissed off that so many bills were in my name (so he'll have to pay deposits most likely), but that's part of his thing - it's bad now, so it's retroactively wrong. When he realizes how ridiculous that is, he gets over it. When he's already freaked out, it comes back.

I only care what he thinks because it affects me while I'm in the same house. I'm getting better at desensitizing, though, so I have that going for me. And with an end date, I have a goal in sight. I can make it that long. The most emotionally exhausting part for me though is the push/pull that's constantly happening, too - once he's calm again, it's almost like nothing is wrong. It's a relief when we can relax and laugh together, but jarring at the same time, and that's when I have to guard myself the most. I can't let myself have hope. I have this duality with me too; he's still the guy I love, and knowing he's hurting sucks, and I just want what's best for him and to help him heal. But he's hurting me, too, and I have to look out for myself first, now.

As far as the legalities go - I'm looking into that more. I have found out that as long as we're married, all our income belongs to both of us. My "nest egg" is a gift specifically to me from my mom, and in our state, that makes it mine alone (I found out that much). It sounds awful to me from a moral standpoint, but technically, I can keep that from him, but we can't keep our income from each other. He makes more, so really, it would him keeping it from me. Once divorce proceedings happen,

And, to be fair, when he's calm, he understands that our household is still linked, and we need to work it out, or we'll BOTH have issues. I am pretty sure that I can get through to him if he starts balking about paying bills, and as much I hate to do it, I can point out all the legalities of divorcing and money. And if it REALLY comes down to it, I have a parachute - my mom - with whom I've come up with a few parachute options.

Bottom line? I am as safe as I can be, and thank you, truly, for caring. I am venting, yes, but your insight is also definitely welcome.

 

[Snowflakes]

@grimalkin I'm glad you are safe and have a plan. In my experiences, I've learned all losses, even a "bad" loss, needs to be grieved. We question ourselves: "was there something I could have done better?" Then there is the incessant cry of "why?" In some cases, there just is no good outcome.

I guess what has always kept me going was the same things I taught my daughter as she experienced tough situations similar to yours.....One, mistakes are not bad things but rather opportunities to learn; and second, when one door closes, another one opens. Silly sayings maybe but she tells me they have helped her.

I'm sorry you are hurting but being here means you are not alone. We silently hold your hand as you walk your path. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

I should have known this would happen - and, to be fair to myself - kind of did warn him; he, of cour...

@grimalkin I have nothing but the uttermost sympathy. Their ability to become so insensitive is shocking. When my ex told me he was moving out -- after we said we wanted to get married and were soulmates blah blah -- and I was reeling. He replied: "I know my actions are unpleasant." That floored me. Unpleasant? You just f'ed up my life. You turned my world upside down. I couldn't get out of bed for a month. I'm on major antidepressants. But right now, I never want to see him again. Get away from him ASAP. I went to live with a friend when he moved out. And I'm moving in with another friend while I rent my place out and decide whether to sell. Surround yourself with beauty and happy things. I also did a forgiveness ritual. Hugs.

 

[Sighs]

Ugh - nothing like getting an STD - sexually transmitted debt! I must be a total mug because this seems to happen to me in every relationship. I hate fighting over money so I end up spending mine on "joint" expenses to save him stress.

Given that he has ended the relationship I would be extremely cautious about "lending" him money. You can pretty much guarantee you won't see it again.

 

[grimalkin]

An update!

Now that sufferer is on the path to independence, he has been relatively relaxed and happy. As my therapist said, "Of course he is. He's getting what he wants, which is to run." So, of course, with the relaxation and happy, comes the goofy side of him again, and the pet names, and the fun, little things to let me know he's thinking of me. Aargh. And then the oh-so-polite (really, actually, no sarcasm) "I'll wait to file divorce paperwork until you get a job with good insurance." He signed a lease on an apartment, talks about going out to dinner with me, and still doing all the things we do now.

Meanwhile, my mom (the only family I really have left) is moving to be in the same city as me, which she and my dad were talking about doing before he died. I'll be living with her, since I'm just not finding a second job here, and, really, she and I will be good for each other. We both need to heal.

So, really, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that, no, really, he shouldn't be in a relationship, probably shouldn't have started one with me to begin with, and that he did anyway, and too bad, now deal with the fall out. I'm trying VERY hard not to get bitter or regret our time together, and I'm winning that battle. I just remind myself, I love him, he's family, family doesn't just give up on someone because of illness, and while we may not be romantically linked anymore, we still care for each other. And we don't need to be legally tied to be family. Of course, hearing me say that would probably stress him out again. And, our time together was genuinely good for the majority of it. It's just that the bad was really bad, too.

Ironically, in thinking about living with my mom, it made me realize that I really did expect too much from my husband. With my mom, I'd have no qualms about making plans that don't include her, going out with friends (once I make them!), and having a life outside of her.

So why was that so hard with my husband? I guess because the only way I COULD spend time with him was going to be on his terms, and generally at home. Since, for me, a relationship means I do want to spend time with my loved one, of course I'll work my life around that. Doing stuff all the time with other people means less time with him, and the bit of time we do spend together will probably still be in separate rooms of the house, especially when we haven't even had the intimate (not just sex, but all that goes with intimacy - touch, common interests, the little talks while falling asleep, etc) link that could keep us energized with each other. So, I would isolate to be able to just be near him (and a bit of the ol' codependency, which I'm now working through as well).

Anyway. It's been an introspective couple of weeks, while finding myself genuinely wanting and looking forward to really live and get out again. We only have a bit over a month to go, and that month will be busy, so I'll be distracted. This is good.