Extreme Guilt

[Deleted member 1860]

I thought I wrote about this before, but a search turned up nothing.... Now I think it was amongst the many posts I write but never actually submit.

I feel guilty for every one of my actions related to PTSD in one way, shape, or form.

I feel guilty for putting others through my crap. I feel that I hold them back from meeting better people (those without my issues), and doing better things in their lives (if I wasn't there wasting their time, they could be doing something better).

I know the answer is self forgiveness. I don't know why I can't do it. Maybe it's because I've learned that people leave after the first sign of a PTSD symptom. Maybe it's because even those who say its ok really hold it against you and throw it in your face later.

I'm not talking about major transgressions. I'm talking about minor ones like having high anxiety and having to cancel my plans because I can't face leaving my house when I know a panic episode would ensue. My point in saying this is so I don't get a bunch of "change your behavior" responses because well, if I could make the anxiety disappear, I would have done it by now. Point being, these are some of the parts of PTSD that may get better, but won't go away.

I know I do better by myself. Nobody to disappoint, no reasons to feel guilty. I am actually happy by myself. I don't have to worry about making everyone else happy, pretending to be someone I'm not. It's so much more stress free.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Court]

Solara I can't offer advice but I appreciate suffers posting the truth for us supporters to read. It gives so much more insight than reading general articles online. I think just you posting this is a huge thing to me anyway.

I have a suffer who is all over the place and thinks his combat ptsd is a joke but then he starts to go into this other phase where he sees it destroying parts of his life but won't get help. He isn't open with stuff and I know due to his job he can't tell me everything.

My marriage isn't good but we share 3 children and due to that I am trying to be civil. Post like this open my eyes to what he may be thinks or feels but doesn't share.

I have been grateful for your insight As im sure others feel the same. Thank you!

Court

 

[Abstract]

Solara,

In my mind there are two clear different potential difficulties for others dealing with those that have PTSD. The one is the type of stuff you are talking about. The anxiety, the flashbacks, the avoidance of triggers while we are trying to desensitise ourselves to them, the isolation when things are too much (talking about when done respectfully here). The other is the parts of PTSD that are potentially directly or indirectly related to it but are bad behaviour such as acting out or anger aimed at others.

It is very hard, very painful that the first lot affects others like it does. Despite our very best efforts. Even if we are working hard at getting better. Maybe especially whilst we are processing trauma and doing that hard work. I think not being able to go out somewhere at the last minute is a good example of it.

I don't really have the answer as I feel some of the same things. Feel that others would be much better off if they could move on as they could fill their lives with other more positive people. I stop short of actually breaking up relationships for this reason but think about it a lot. At the end we have to allow others to be adults and in control of what they decide to do. Whether to stay friends with us or move on. I know that doesn't solve your problem though.

I very much understand the lure of total "singledom ". I too write posts or threads I never submit.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Read the forgiveness book. It gives you acitivities to do. I wrote a note to my ptsd self and burned it. It helped.

 

[Britt.f7]

There are some things I've forgiven myself for, but other's of which I carry guilt or regret for. I can rationalize things, but my heart doesn't always feel them.

I, too, am a solitary person. My main guilt would be for my children. They are somewhat solitary also. Granted, some of it is because of my physical illness that I couldn't take them to friends houses or have their friends here. My therapist and I am working on this guilt, since my children seem to be well adjusted, if not more compassionate, human beings. Still, there is this guilt that I could have, should have, done more.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I feel your pain Solara. Thanks for being so transparent today. Makes me feel like I have a friend.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks for all of your replies.

Abstract,

My priest says the same thing. I must allow adults to be adults and make their own decisions. I have a friend (?) who says the same thing, that I need to let him make his own decisions.

I know you are all right, but it doesn't stop the guilt.

Ash,

The only forgiveness book I could find is Catholic. Is this the one you're talking about?

 

[mamachick]

Geilt can be very self perpetuating. Guilt can be a good thing-it keeps us doing the right think most often to avoid guilt. I sounds like what you are talking about is underserving guilt. Im not active in a 12 step program, but some things I do believe can be productive. Such as the self inventory step and writing a list of all those we have injured through our behavior. That might help you to see that much of the guilt that you feel in not legitimate.

In writing out all that you feel quilty about, you might discover that the things are not as bad. I know that guilt was instilled at an early age for myself. My family pushed guilt on each other, so I was conditioned to feel quilt and sometimes not even knowing the reason. This has resulted me me reacting to a situation so that I really do have something to feel quilty about. Im sorry that others have abused your trust when you have shared with them.

I isolate too. I like being alone and not having to feel quilt, yet there is an innate desire for us humans to connect with each other, and we all let each other down. We are human. We will be hurt by most people, it is just deciding which ones are worth the pain caused.

 

[Dillon]

Maybe it's because even those who say its ok really hold it against you and throw it in your face later.

Took the words right out of my head.

 

[nomedic1]

Guilt is my best friend , would like to make him my enemy.

 

[cherryblossom]

I am actually happy by myself. I don't have to worry about making everyone else happy, pretending to be someone I'm not. It's so much more stress free.

I feel guilty for putting others through my crap.

If you truly are happy on your own, and do feel guilty for involving anyone else in your life, then do just that. Stay on your own, keep away from others and live your life on your own.

However, if the reality is that you would like to be around other people then the best thing you can do is to be yourself, and let those others decide whether or not they want to be around you (warts and all - for want of a better phrase).

We can only lead our lives, and let others do the same. It hurts to be rejected because of PTSD (or indeed for any reason), yet to be accepted, makes you feel guilty. It's almost a no win situation. Because either way, you find fault in yourself. So yeah, self forgiveness is likely the answer, along with accepting that other people make their own choices about who they spend time with.

 

[Abstract]

Cherryblossom has a good point.

Sadly I often think the guilt is one of the main things that precipitates further actions that make relationships more challenging.

The more guilt the more pushing away . The more pushing away the more problems with relationships. The problem with relationships the more reinforcement of our view of the world. and so it goes on.

Of course some have no guilt and that is totally different ballgame.

For some that pushing away can be withdrawal and others it can be in the form of acting out. It really is a heartbreaking cycle if seen objectively (can't see that for myself of course).

I think projective identification can be big thing sometimes. Where we almost force people to behave in the way we fear through the words and actions we use. I know this is true for me in certain things.

So many things come down to self compassion as a start.