Extroadinarily sad.

[Teasel]

Sorry @Abstract yes of course, makes sense. It's strange I do seem to feel confused by this and a bit unable to make sense of what I said. Yes, those things are things I fear all of the time pretty much.

Do you mostly feel like the OP or was that flashback mode?

Yes, that was flashback mode. And that does feel like a discretely different mode to how I am normally. Though it doesn't feel like how I usually am is all good either. How I am usually is kinda dissociated?

Some of the neglect that I experienced came at such a young age that I have no direct memories, but just emotional flashbacks

Yes, did you feel somehow different even from a very young age?

I'm feeling a bit discombobulated this morning. I went out last night dancing, it's a scene I've been part of for years though I've not tended to feel connected as maybe I ought.

So I chatted with plenty of people that I know and love and maybe I really should stop feeling I am so isolated.. saw my fav dj too & he came to chat after his set, I said I'd gotten accepted for PTSD treatment and he said he'd ring tomorrow to talk about it.

Aargh. How utterly terrifying!

I mean having a friend show concern for me n what I'm going through is great. But for some reason it coming from him is just terrifying. Aaaaarrrrggghhh help!

 

[ladee]

You have everything you need to have the conversation with the DJ. It's how we learn to trust our selves.

I have read many times about your dancing. What a beautiful way to express your self, to celebrate being alive by your body moving to music.

Making huge progress, whether it 'feels' like it or not!!

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @ladee I confess I feel a bit sick!

 

[Wendell_R]

Yes, did you feel somehow different even from a very young age?

In 2nd grade, my mom bought me a banner to put over my bed from the comic strip Peanuts. It said, "I love mankind, it's people I can't stand." So, yes, I always felt apart.

But for some reason it coming from him is just terrifying. Aaaaarrrrggghhh help!

I have things in my life now that are going wonderfully (like being able to imagine loving parents). These are wonderful things, but I still am overwhelmed because it is all so new and frightening. I often cry, and it can be hard to tell what are tears of joy and what are tears of terror! What an experience recovery is!

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel this way sometimes, I have all my life that I can remember. My mother was like this quite often too, so I guess it might be learned behaviour. I think that means I can un-learn it with the right help. That is my guess anyway.

 

[Friday]

I'll think over your post but on the whole thinking about these things I want sends me to the same place of hurt.

Yep.

For me...

- Nothing is as uniquely painful as remembering what real happiness felt like. After his father took him and I lost my son for several years, I finally understood why so many people kill themselves over the holidays. It’s a unique pain, knowing what could be, and will never be again. (Even if it might be good in other ways, someday, that doesn’t even come close to touching it. Finger in a dike.) It’s grief, and pain, and sharp loss, and misery, that eats everything. If a black hole could have spikes? That.

- I have an extreeeeemely difficult time “wanting” anything. Largely for trauma reasons (if you don’t want it? It doesn’t hurt to lose it, or not have it, and it can’t be used against you). Also for some PTSD related reasons (that whole sense of foreshortened future, thing. If I don’t believe the future is real? What sense is there in wanting something in that future? >>> Also the survival mode thing, where the only things that matter are right here, right now // not things we don’t have).

Coupling those 2 things together? One dangerous badass beastie this “wanting” thing. Pain on all sides, and few upsides.

I have to work very carefully towards wanting things (largely via hedonism & flanking manoeuvres, like acting as if there’s a future, when it doesn’t feel that way).

A pretty key thing for me is cutting all strings to the past. Looking at the thing NOT as something I used to have, or didn’t have, but would like to have. The focusing on why it MIGHT be fun, or exciting, or healthy... unique and of itself.

 

[nomorefear]

Berlinda, I've been reading the conversation from beginning. I am so proud of you for sticking with it. Be patient with yourself. One baby step at a time.

 

[Teasel]

Intending to come back to this at some point :)

 

[Teasel]

Dipping my toe back into this. Thanks for your post @Friday Yes to it basically

It’s a unique pain, knowing what could be, and will never be again.

Isn't it. I'm not sure I ever had it, but yes to knowing what could be and haven't got. And in my case the emotional flashback part believes will never be had.

I have to work very carefully towards wanting things (largely via hedonism & flanking manoeuvres, like acting as if there’s a future, when it doesn’t feel that way).

A pretty key thing for me is cutting all strings to the past. Looking at the thing NOT as something I used to have, or didn’t have, but would like to have. The focusing on why it MIGHT be fun, or exciting, or healthy... unique and of itself.

Yes, occasionally I've been in a headspace that says ok given that things are as they are, what do you want to do now? How do you want to spend you life from here on in?

So yes I can see this some of the time.

I can build on that innit. :-)