Eye Contact In Therapy

[Chosen]

I have a horrible, horrible time sustaining eye contact with my T. If I'm talking about something hard, I usually look at the floor. When I try to meet his eyes, I usually feel so ashamed.

Then, if, when we're talking, he gives me that look (the healing look that just feels so nice and calming) I also feel shame but not just that--I also feel uncomfortable and afraid. I'm not sure why; maybe because it does feel so nice.

I found an article about people with PTSD from prolonged child abuse that says that the part of our brains activate the alarm system during sustained eye contact (I don't have the full-text, just the abstract).

I was wondering if anyone can relate. And have any of you been able to fix it? Have you talked to your T's about it?

 

[FindingMyself88]

If my T is talking, I find it normally tolerable to look her in the eyes, although sometimes I will dissociate if it gets uncomfortable. The good thing though is my T is incredibly sensitive to when I am dissociating. Now when it comes to me talking, it is near impossible to make eye contact consistent. I may can glance at her, but thats it. Now today was an extremely difficult session and I told her something very personal that I felt extremely embarrassed about. After that I could not look her in the eyes..

I have talked to a lot of people who have this issue..

 

[Justmehere]

I have had this issue in the past. It comes up now and again from time to time. There are times my therapist will even flat out suddenly say, "ok, I won't look you at you" just to help me stay present with the trauma we are processing.

Traumatized animals have the same problem. Looking directly at another living being with both eyes forward is sometimes an aggressive act in most of the animal world. Humans are a little more complex... but when our fight or flight or "lizard" brain is running, it makes sense that making eye contact would be scary on some kind of basic level.

What has helped me is lots of practice. My old equine therapist would occasionally ask me to make eye contact "if you can" with no pressure... and I would do so, or try to do so, and I experienced over and over again that I'm safe even when connecting with another human that way. Now, it only happens in therapy every now and then that I feel like I can't look at my therapist, but I still do eventually sort of force myself to glance her way even for a nano-second. And yeah, like you, she always has that look... that is so healing... in such a vulnerable way...

 

[Suzetig]

Oh my days eye contact is so difficult for me at times. I've sat staring at the floor, tracing the outline of the clock, counting books on the bookshelf - you name it, anything to avoid eye contact.

This recent session I made a concerted effort to look at my therapist as much as possible while talking through some new stuff to work on. I did manage more eye contact than usual but I know my contribution to the session was fairl heavy going and she kept checking in with me to make sure I was present fully.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I just thought of something that might help that my T does. If I've dissociated, we have a breathing skill we do called "step breathing" She requires me to look at her hand and as she moves it up, I take a small breath. We inhale 5-6 times and then she has be visualize looking over a mountain top and exhaling.

She also will tell me to look at her hand at least if I am in a flashback. She said this at least allows me to realize she is with me and I am safe, then when I can I try to make at least brief eye contact and I see her total support and encouragement there.

Maybe you and your T could do something similar to help you?

 

[Chava]

I'm horrible at eye contact!! I think it also connects to my dropped-head, slumping body posture. This comes up a lot in therapy because I get to sit how I want (in a little ball usually). I can do okay if we're talking, but I actually have to think about it and work at it. My therapist isn't threatening at all, but when the feelings are weird I can't even keep my eyes open.

I tried working on this elsewhere, like making eye contact with the nice cashier who simply tells me to have a good day. I say "thank you" but can never look people in the eyes if I don't know them well...like it hurts some muscle inside me and takes too much effort. Anyway, I failed because it just didn't feel right. I'm sticking with no eye contact if that feels right and will try to work on it in my few better relationships. Anyway, I relate a lot and it's interesting to hear that others do too because I'd like to improve in this area. Thanks for posting.

 

[mrsps]

I don't look at my T if I am talking about hard stuff or if I feel embarrassed about what I am talking about etc. Other times I can look her in the eyes. I am always looking at the wall in front of me and concentrate on the clock, painting, basket, book case, vase lol anything that is in front of me

 

[mytai]

I have never looked at my T long enough to see this "healing look". I can't count on one hand the number of times I have made eye contact with my T in the almost year I've been seeing her. I'm very familiar with her feet. I find eye contact scary and I dissociate really easily when I do make eye contact. It is a goal for me to increase eye contact with her.

 

[Chava]

I feel like I'd dissociate less if I made more eye contact with my T. I almost shut her out because I'm in a place where I really only feel safe alone....and yet if I could get myself to at her, I'd probably feel more safe then the drifting further into dissociation. These are good goals. Go Team!!

 

[soulsearcher]

I have the same trouble, I can not seem to make eye contact with a lot of people. To me it feels that they can then see the 'inner me' and that is a dark, bad place that I don't want people to see. I told my T this and she says it's ok, when our conversations get deep she will ask if I am still with her.
Hopefully someday I will have the confidence within me to look at people eye to eye!

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

95% of the time I am looking away, like looking at the clocks, books, floor or my legs in front of me. I try to make brief eye contact with her as much as I can, mostly to let her know that I am present. I don't want to be disrespectful by avoiding eye contact. It is just very difficult and very personal.

 

[mrsps]

Im interested if anyone's T has made comment on that fact that not much eye contact is made? Im guessing it is a normal thing for T to not get much eye contact with clients