Failing Therapy.

[Warrior_interrupted]

For quite awhile now I have been failing therapy. I go in and when the conversation gets tough I become anxious and laugh too much, throw a joke, become sarcastic, or just have no idea what to say. I have been through CPT and failed that miserably. Then my therapist said we would try 2 months of emdr but that it would be all.
So, I started emdr last week. I was terrible at it. Wanted to cry but stopped myself. It was so uncomfortable. My therapist knows all of my trauma. Every incident. So it's not that she is new or that I haven't been honest. I just struggle to stay calm and present. Then I leave and wish I would have been more honest and open so I could get more from it.

I always go back. I haven't quit. I show up on time and I truly want to get better. I know I need therapy and the thought of not having it makes me sick. I just keep failing though and I am unsure of how to fix that.

Has anyone had this and been able to correct it? I don't know why I cannot just be an honest and normal person in session.
Any advice or sharing would be so appreciated. I am stuck.

 

[Dannyuk78]

i can only really answer from my own sessions in CBT, at first i found myself being a wreck and not letting everything out as alot of the time even now i still dont know what the route cause is. As long as you engage your therapist and be as open as you can it will come in time, and if your therapist was anything like mine she could tell when i was holding back and could pretty much read me like a book.

stay strong and be kind to yourself, try letting go just once you will be in a safe place and you just never know

 

[NightSky]

Oh man, I wish I had advice. I haven't done EMDR. But I have the exact same experience in therapy. I literally just emailed my T two days ago saying I'm failing therapy. For the same reasons you state. And like you, I keep going back. I keep trying. I do everything I can- but I just sit there and joke around and change subjects and avoid emotion. I don't want to. It's just what happens. I want to get better and I wish I could get more out of it. But in the moment I also struggle to stay calm and present.
How long have you been with your T? I just keep being open and honest with her about this and I keep hoping that with more time and more honesty I will get there. I think it has to do with trusting and feeling safe. I've never felt safe with another person to the degree therapy requires. And I imagine to get there it takes a lot of repeated experiences with vulnerability and learning that it's ok. I ask my T to push me and she does somewhat. I trust her judgement and hope in time pushing leads me to be more present. I hope the same for you!

 

[Eagle3]

Therapy takes time. And each person requires their own timeline for healing. Be gentle with yourself. It just may take more time than you like.

Another thing, try to get out of the mindset of "failing" therapy. Therapy is a process, a journey, not so much a destination. Yes, we have particular goals we are working to reach, but the journey getting there is just as, if not more important than, the journey. The process to wellness is where we learn the copong mechanisms and tools for health. Every session is an opportunity to learn something new. Be curious when you go to session and not so concerned about "winning" therapy. Just my two pennies.

 

[Warrior_interrupted]

@NightSky - As much as I hate hearing that you are going through this also... It makes me feel just a bit better to know it is not just me. I do all of those things!
I have been with my therapist for 1 1/2-2 years. As a person she is excellent, but I am not entirely sure I made the right choice. She is often inconsistent and unreliable, which has made the already difficult process even harder. That's not excuse though. I was doing those things before I knew she was inconsistent. She used to push me more than she does now. I would also push back and occasionally find myself arguing just for the sake of arguing. That is how lost I was in all of it. I think honestly she has given up on me for the most part. Like, if this works that's super, but if not then whatever.
I have 2 months left though and I need to get as much as I possibly can out of therapy with her!

If you ever want to talk about the situation or troubleshoot it feel free to reach out! I have yet to find a solution that works. I have even tried not drinking coffee to help lessen the anxiety. Taking the morning off before going. Changing appt times...

Thank you again for the response!

 

[Beaglefan61]

A simple question: How afraid are you of the deeper feelings? Some of these uncomfortable things and you holding back on crying has me wonder that. It must be painful to even think you are "failing" therapy. Please be gentle with yourself on this judgement and know that it is very tough and the feelings are not always easy to get to and then get through. Even with the safest and most consistent person in the world and the best circumstance it can all be very daunting. The hurts that happened need for safety and so if we need to take a bit of time to know how safe that things are, that can be normal. It is okay to address this with your therapist directly. If you do, i hope it will go well.

 

[Teamwork]

Try getting close to one emotion when you are not in session. Sit somewhere alone and quiet and focus on one. Say to yourself what happens if I just take a look at something sad or scary in my life. What would it be. Wait with it to see what comes up. Then see if you can talk to yourself briefly about what came up. Are you able to stay in touch with the feeling or memory long enough to feel the feeling. If you start to joke with yourself maybe gently say, this is serious, or this is something I want to feel connected to so no joking. By doing some of this alone you get the opportunity to see if you can connect without having a person around to avoid it with learned mechanisms. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Warrior_interrupted]

Try getting close to one emotion when you are not in session. Sit somewhere alone and quiet and focus on...

I absolutely love this so much. It's brilliant. Thank you.
I have tried some versions of it I suppose, but never so intentional and connecting to it in other places. I have driven to therapy before thinking "this is serious, I can do this, I need to make this work". But if I can connect to it in other places maybe I can dig deep in therapy and find that connection there as well. Almost memorize the route I take to get to it.
And I also really like the way you worded your sentence on learned mechanisms. It is really helpful to read it in that way, because that is exactly what the problem is.

Thanks again, it's been so helpful already.

 

[rosey]

For quite awhile now I have been failing therapy. I go in and when the conversation gets to...

i have been there and am coming out of the other side. It is so frustrating knowing that therapy is what you need but not being very good at it. Dot see it as a failure though. I look back on it now and see it as me finding my comfort zone within the therapy. it was more about me testing how much i could cope with. It was a little decision that changed it all for me. I decided it was time to just go for it. A now or never type thing. I figured I either had to go for it lay it all out there and or leave therapy putting my issues in a box. I couldnt do the later so I changed the way I did therapy. I had a little break and came back with a list of therapy goals and discussion points. Therapy is very different for me now as a result.

Good luck with it.

 

[Snowflake]

I understand . I feel the same.

 

[NightSky]

My T responded to my email about being a failure at therapy saying I'm afraid of emotions if all sorts, so I get stuck. But not to give up or isolate. I don't know if it's the same for you. And I have no idea how to get to the bottom of feeling afraid of emotions. :confused:

 

[Warrior_interrupted]

My T responded to my email about being a failure at therapy saying I'm afraid of emotions if all sorts...

Hi! Yes, my therapist and I have talked that possibility through as well. I mean, it makes complete sense. When you aren't used to having those feeling, like you purposefully maintained a state of not having them, to have them is scary.
However, no one has been able to say how to get past that and get to them.

I have had ah-ha moments. I have fallen into depression. Come back from depression. Been through cpt. Had some cbt. First denied ptsd, then finally accepted it. Written letters, trauma narratives, etc. Everyone tells us to "let go" like there is a rope or a safety blanket or something I am literally and physically holding on to. If it were only that easy! But letting go of this thing that I am not even sure how I am holding on to is not especially simple.

If I am being honest, there were times where I thought I was getting close. Then my therapist would have a "I don't know how to help you because it's not working" talk or some inconsistency in therapy and I was back to not being able to get in touch with that.

I have also found when talking about this, that it is easy to fall into the trap of trying to fit into what others expectations are. One day I was upset and almost in tears in front of my therapist and she was unphased. I wanted to yell "isn't this what you have been waiting for?! Are you happy now?". Because she is the one "helping" me, I have to fit into a specific role or space to receive the help. I have clearly gone off topic. Sorry about that.

I hope that with your new found insight you are able to move forward an it more in therapy. Good luck!!!