failing your pet

[knuckles]

Just went for a walk and made up my mind to use this forum to try to help me see things from as many angles as possible. I want to do my best to make sure I go into this with my eyes wide open. I owe him that much.

Yesterday I arranged with the vet to have my oldest cat (Mr. D, almost 13 years old) euthanized at home this coming Tuesday. The vet has checked blood and urin and found nothing of significance. Besides some suspected arthritis (of which he is being treated) and possible senility he his in perfect health; optimal weight, shiny coat and clear eyes. And I have made the decision to end his life.

D has been urinating in the home for the past 10 years or so. It started when we lived in a small-ish flat and I worked with feral cats, bringing home the smells on my work clothes and shoes. From then it has progressed, and his house soiling no longer seems to be set off by significant stressors, it's just part of his normal behavior.

D is of an oriental breed and very much an active, energetic and in-your-face personality. He is very straight forward and uncomplicated; what you see is what you get - and you tend to get it whether you like it or not. His energy is very strong, honest and focused. When he sleeps he sleeps heavily. When he eats he does so with gusto, when he plays he doesn't hold back, and when he showers you with affection he does so with body and soul.

And he triggers my reactions oh so bad.

I have trouble with physical contact. It didn't use to include the contact with my pets, but from the occational reaction (maybe every other month or so) from the time I got him as a kitten, it is now a daily occurrence and my reactions have become stronger. And out of the three cats and one dog, contact with D probably sets off 90% of the reactions. I have noticed how my view of him has changed over the past couple of years. I have always loved him, and always will, but sometimes I just don't like him very much. And this pains me. I feel like a failure as an owner.

The last year or so I have had encreasing trouble with how I handle his house soiling. I have yelled at him and even chased him around the house until he ran outside and I could shut the door (needing to keep him away from me until I had better control of myself). I am so appalled and frustrated and scared of myself when that happens. I started to push him away when he came close and I can see the difference in the quality and quantity of the contact I initiate with the other cats versus him.

Feeling like I have reached the end of my ability to cope with D, both in terms of house soiling and physical contact, but primarily the house soiling, has come up a handful of times in this last year. Out of frustration/annoyance but also out of sadness/grief. I made a promise to him - and to myself - that if I was ever going to decide to end his life over this, I would do so out of love. That doesn't sound right... I'm not sure how to put it. I didn't want it to be a snap decision based in anger and resentment.

I don't think I have done that. It is a somewhat resigned feeling. Of loosing or giving up on a long lasting struggle. I am so sorry. But I don't want to continue on this road, avoiding him and getting angry at him.

I am not asking you to tell me if I'm right or wrong, or to condone my decision. Actually I am not entirely sure what it is I want. I think I am hoping that someone might have had similar experiences, or just the insight/knowledge to see aspects of this situation that I am not aware of. It hurts to keep turning over the thoughts and feelings related to this, but if I am going to say goodbye to D on Tuesday I need to know that I have done my best to make sure I am not doing to blindly. I hope I am making some sense here. I will add if more comes up. Questions are welcome, even if they might be painful. I am trying to face this as openly and honestly as I can.

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you give him to someone who you know will care for him?
Killing a pet because you can't handle him is cruel - despite you not wanting my opinion, here it is.

 

[knuckles]

Thank you for your reply @Sietz. I am sure there are many more who share your view - and that is as it should be.

I have moved a few times with D and the others, and they have also been temporarily living with someone else. His house soiling behavior didn't change - if anything it got worse. Noone I know are willing to accept that.

 

[ILoveLife]

How many other cats in the household and how many litterboxes?
Should be one per cat.

No-kill shelter always a better option than murder. Just sayin

You can also go to facebook pages explain your situation and see if anyone wants to take care of him.
There's a lot of options.

My cat had the same behavior and it was solved, he was reacting to stress - new litter box and lots of attention solved it.

I'm really angry that you're reaction is to kill your pet.

 

[TTC18]

Litterbox issues are almost always solve-able. Have you taken him to the vet? Sometimes it's medical. Have you tried restricting him to a small area with a litterbox to get him back in the habit? I've used a large dog crate for this. Graduate from large dog crate to bathroom... then from bathroom to a larger area, and so on until he has the run of the house again.
If you're not willing to put in the work, ask around local rescues. 13 isn't that old, and if he's in perfect health, it's a shame to put him down over something that's fixable. As a rescuer, I actually took in a cat who was a similar age, who had litterbox/soiling issues due to a physical condition. It was a tough several years till she died of old age, but but she was such a sweet thing that I just dealt with it. There may be someone in your area willing to do the same. Give D a chance, and at least ask around & post in local FB rescue groups before you take him to the vet that last time. Post a picture of him when you ask local rescues for help. There's almost always one soft-hearted rescuer who's willing to give it that ol' college try to save a life.

OH and they now make attractant litter for cats... and if you get some of those pheremone sprays, they'll keep him from wanting to soil in the house as well. So so so many options to solve this puzzle. Really talk to some local rescue people. One of the top reasons for people abandoning their cats is indoor soiling, and it's almost ALWAYS fixable - so rescue people tend to have a lot of experience with fixing it. It feels a bit like house flipping. You get the cat, fix it up so it's unlearned bad habits, then you get it a new home, lol. Harder on the kitties when they're elderly, but still do-able.

 

[ladee]

There are so many options for D before having him put down. I would take him in a heartbeat, problems and all, if you lived anywhere near me.

Please consider other options and give this guy a chance. This breaks my heart.

 

[barefoot]

Oh, this is really heart-breaking.

It sounds like D is very triggering for you in the way that your other animals aren’t. So, it makes sense to me that you think you will be better off without him around.

But please - as others have said, there are many more options before ending his life and I really hope you will reconsider.

Even if you don’t know anyone personally who will take him on, you can take him to an animal shelter who can look after him and ultimately rehome him. Someone will adopt him even with his toiletting troubles. And I echo what others have posted...that lots of toiletting/litter tray issues are treatable.

I am also really horrified that a vet would agree to put a healthy animal to sleep just because its human asked them to because they couldn’t cope. I find that really shocking.

Please...I can see how not living with D anymore may be the right thing for you..but I don’t see how that means you have to end his life to get that result.

 

[knuckles]

Thank you both for replying. I am a little shaky, as I knew I would be, but I will try to answer and comment as best I can. I am also using my diary to try to work on the various aspects.

How many other cats in the household and how many litterboxes?

Four cats, five litterboxes. Three closed, two open. Different places in the house, but all offers privacy. Cleaned regularly 5 times a day.

Have you taken him to the vet?

Yes. Blood test and urine analysis has been done. Have had this done three times in the past as well, to check for pathological explanations. Nothing found. Suspicion of FLUDT, but the treatment would be anti-inflammatory, which he is already on due to suspicion of arthritis.

Have you tried restricting him to a small area with a litterbox to get him back in the habit?

No, this I have not done.

D does not have a problem using the litterbox. He uses both open and closed boxes, for both urination and defecation. He also has access to go outside and will happily urinate/spray/mark outside as well. He has been on a calming supplement for the past three years and there are pheromone diffusers in the house.
I have worked with cats for 10+ years; shelter cats, feral cats, rescuing, rehabilitation, trap-neuter-release and euthanasia. Though I no longer have much contact with former colleagues I have reached out on several occations to get help working on the house soiling issues. A certified feline behaviorist has been consulted. D's breeder has been on the sideline all the way.

I am sorry that my post is stirring up difficult emotions in others. Maybe I should have done this some other way. I thought about keeping this to my diary, but I am finding it difficult to organize my thoughts. I want to try to get a clear picture of the different aspects of this. This house soiling has been going on for about 10 years, so why am I wanting to end this now? What part does my increasing reactions play? What has changed? I will continue to work with this in my diary.
I still welcome suggestions and reactions, hoping to get some input more specifically in regards to me.

 

[ILoveLife]

hoping to get some input more specifically in regards to me.

Sorry, I'm a bit too honest sometimes, and I'm a bit too aggressive in my stances.

This is really not about you, it's about the life of an animal in your care.
If you can't take care of him take him to a no-kill shelter.

 

[ladee]

And I truly hope you come back and reply. That you have taken some of the suggestions and tried to save his life. It is cruel to leave this image in our minds.

And yes, you asked for no feedback if this is right or wrong, but you came to the wrong place for us to remain quite about this.

For too many of us, our pets, as irritating as they can be at times, is our only 'love' we get on some days. We can only hope you try some things recommended before ending his life.

You took a huge risk by posting, and I know you are feeling judged. But try to look at it like we are sharing opionions, it takes the sting out of it. Others opionions helps us many times. It helps to see others perspective.We are truly hoping you have a change of heart and mind and not put D down.

 

[TTC18]

I can see you've really made an effort with D, and I can see this is hard for you. I don't want to overwhelm you with more suggestions but aside from really really recommending that you look for another home before euthanizing, I'd suggest isolating him in a small area, then moving to a larger area, trying different kinds of litters in different boxes, maybe even add another few boxes, and watch the cat dynamics - is he trying to dominate the other cats? He may be trying to mark the entire house as his own (I have unfortunately one cat who is like that, and he's been relegated to outside-only unless there's bad weather and then he's stuck in a bathroom) to dominate the other cats. I have another timid girl who has soiled MANY times when other kitties were using her preferred litterbox, so keeping an eye on group dynamics could be a big help here. In addition, if he's really demanding, he may just be jealous for attention. You said it started when you were bringing home other cat smells, did it get any worse when you brought home other cats? If he's got a clean bill of health (is he marking with urine only, or both urine and feces?) then there's a chance of teaching him better habits again, so even though a behaviorist has been consulted, kitty may benefit from a one-on-one situation. Maybe a temporary foster with someone who has no other cats.

Regarding your feelings about D - are you triggered by the messes he's making, or by the affection he's showing you, or ?

 

[ladee]

I appreciate reading your reply. In many ways, this is about you. Why now you asked? How many other things in your life are you feeling powerless over? That may be a clue.

I understand your frustration, I do. And yes, we have 'reacted'. But you ARE being honest in your saying something else is going on.

How can we help you to figure this out? I would appreciate if you would tell me the name of your diary and I will go read it.. Then see if we can give you some feedback that helps YOU to help D.