Failiure!!

[Tiger]

I am so warn down that I don't even have the energy to try to OD or try to commit suicide now!! It's all I can think about, but I feel like just giving up on everything and everyone!! It's already feeling like everyone has given up on me, but I can't blame them, I am a very lost cause!! I never understood how much energy existing really takes from us!! Breathing, eating, sleeping, moving!! Even just thinking hurts sometimes!! I have been trying to figure out what I am existing for? Who am I existing for? It often crosses my mind that I am here to stick my fingers up to all those who have hurt me and tried to crush me!! Other times I think that someone, somewhere is having a good laugh at my expense!! I am so tired of fighting these demons everyday and I am exhausted with failing to either end it or self harming or existing!! What am I here for?? Really? I think that I'm here for other people's pleasure!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Tiger Another bad spell for you, huh? Can you think of anything that's been triggering for you? Do you get so tired from no sleep? When I spiral down I don't do anything good for myself, like eating well or sleeping. Feelings come and go. You won't feel so bad forever even though right now you feel stuck. That's the PTSD monkey on your back. Throw that imp off and be the boss of you. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

 

[Kefira]

We haven't given up on you. And I'm sure there are people in your life who haven't either. It can just be really hard to see when you're feeling this way. You're right- it can't take a lot of energy to exist some times. And those are the times when you have to try even harder to take care of yourself and be gentle and understanding.

As for what you're here for that depends a lot on what you believe. I tend to believe that every one of us is here for something, even if it's just to touch one other life in a positive way. We're not here for other people to tred on. I'm very sorry you're feeling this way right now.

:hug:s if you'll have them. I've definitely been where you're at. I'm still there sometimes. Just know people here care for you and please be kind to yourself right now. Not sure if it helps, but my philosophy is when I end up in a really bad mental space I can always try again tomorrow after fortifying my efforts with hot chocolate and a good book under nice warm covers.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

[mrsps]

Sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I think a lot of us here have had these feelings at times but, they don't last forever. You can get through this. We are all here for you, so please don't feel alone, we care!!

 

[Tiger]

Thanks to you all!! All the hugs are very much appreciated!!

 

[whserenitynluv]

:hug: Tiger your openness and willingness brings light to my soul. What you are saying hits home with me as well as many others I'm sure. Yesterday my emotions felt that way too. It got to the point were I had to go for a drive, and luckily ran into a couple of people who I hadn't seen in awhile. They offered hope and inspiration, and most of all a phone number with a call me anytime note. Don't lose hope because your experiences are one that if I was having a bad day would ask you about! Going around on here I have seen many responses and stories familiar to me, it has helped so much. Your not alone. You have purpose. This too shall pass, even though right now it doesn't seem that way. K

 

[mrsps]

Hey Tiger, how are you doing today?? :)

 

[Tiger]

I am so sorry!! I wish I could say things were getting easier, but unfortunately they are not!! I had a chat with a support worker yesterday after having a massive panic attack because of a couple of people arguing!! I get so frightened and nervous around any confrontation even if I am not directly involved!! Anyway, I managed to get outside and I uncontrollably shook and cried to the point that it was very painful for me!! I felt like I was in real danger!! Of course I wasn't!! That support worker stayed with me while I tried to calm down and she tried to reassure me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that I would eventually come out the other side a much stronger person!! I don't believe it!! I haven't found one thing that proves to me that things will improve and it will all have been worth it!! I just don't believe that!! My life just seems to get progressively worse as time goes by!! I would not wish this on my abuser! I'd like him to hurt and suffer, I'd like him to have a very painful death, but I could not inflict this on him!! Sounds daft!! I don't really understand this, but it is what it is?? I apologise, it's just difficult!!

 

[mrsps]

Don't be sorry! Its not like just because its a new day that everything is magically going to be better, these things take time. It is a long slow process to work though and takes a lot of strength.
I totally understand the confrontation stuff, I am the same I hate it and avoid it as much as I can.
Glad that you have a support worker to chat to :)
Please take care of yourself xx

 

[Tiger]

Thank you!! I'm just struggling to find reasons to keep going on!! Some say to me, it will get better, but my response is 'When?' I've been trying to hold on to that belief, but how long does one hold on for???