Falling Apart

[Reds]

So I am breaking down right now. I thought I was strong and really wanted to be strong. I thought nothing about the weekend was gonna break me but it is breaking me right now :cry:. I thought seeing my abuser over the weekend would not break me but I am falling apart right now. I kept strong from Monday, why am I now falling apart?

Someone please help, I really need to be ok and cannot afford to fall apart right now.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. You have been through so much seeing your abuser and being strong is not about not finding things so hard. I know it does not feel like it, but I really believe there is a way through and just being on here as asking for help is being strong.

I know we don't know much about each other but answered on chat if you still want it and it can help.

God bless
Helen

 

[digger]

Delayed reactions to emotional stuff isn't unusual I don't think. We have to be strong in the moment to deal with it, sometimes we switch off, dissociate etc in order to do so because that is how we can deal with. When we are in a safe space again we can slowly let our guard down a bit and then the emotions come in? Maybe?

I think keeping your therapy appointment this week would be a good plan, you seem to have a lot issues rising to the surface just now and it could be helpful to talk about them with her.

 

[Reds]

I haven't seen my therapist all week and was planning to not see her next week. I so want to beat this on my own but it is so hard right now. It doesn't help that I am staying alone and have no friends that know anything about me. I feel like I have no one.
He is moving on with his life with his wife and 2 kids whilst I am stuck here. Is it ok that I hate him so much right now.
I wanna throw things at his face and do whatever I can to him. I am so angry, I am angry at the whole world.
It just hurts so much right now, I don't know how to make it better

 

[digger]

I haven't seen my therapist all week and was planning to not see her next week

I know, I read that in one of your other threads, that's why I mentioned it. but in that thread you also said this...

I was worried thinking I will fall apart but I am still ok.

and now you are saying you are falling apart.

I feel like I have no one.

You could have your therapist on your side at least...

You can get support here too of course, but I don't think it would be healthy to rely on it as a substitute for therapy. I know you are saying you want to do this yourself, and sorry if this comes over as harsh, I'm just trying to be honest from what I'm reading from your posts, but you don't seem to be managing to sort these things out for yourself? Apologies if I'm wrong.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear that you are battling this so much on your own. I know it doesn't feel like it, but having people to help you is not failing and being weak. Seeing your therapist as you are facing things which are coming up and dealing with and expressing all the emotions, is actually a way of being strong. I know for me that PTSD has been about me trying to be strong for so long, and to do that I had to shut everything out and try and cope and be ok in so many situations, but in reality it never worked and being strong is actually is getting the support I need, working through all the emotions, and coming out the other side in a truely stronger place. I would never expect anyone else to just deal with the emotions on their own. PTSD for me is about the fact that when everything happened I really couldn't deal with it, and it is only now that I am in a safer place and have people around to support me, that I have ever been able to face it, and I really hope for you that whatever support is right for you, you can get, as you are being strong and facing all that is coming up.

God bless
Helen

 

[Survive my past]

From too many years of being near or in the same room as my abuser. It all comes back to you, it makes you feel anxiety and loss of control. Almost the same feelings you had when the abuse was going on. I had to separate my self from ever being near him again. It would make me worse by triggering memories from the home, smells and my responses i had at a gradeschool age when it all happen. Forced to cover up my feelings and stll have the abuser in my life growing up. This was re abuse and was often worse. I would say dont go near the abuser again. Seek therapy for you and separate yourself from people who dont want you to talk or bring it up. That is 100% abuse too.

 

[Reds]

I will email my therapist now and hopefully see her tomorrow or early next week. Really had my mind setup on not depending on her. But I really need all the support I can get right now. Thank you all for your support, one moment I am ok the next everything just falls apart.

 

[HelenB]

I am really glad to hear you are going to email her. I have looked back at some of your previous posts and am not surprised that there are so many mixed emotions about becoming too attached to her. I really hope you are also able to talk through some of this with her. It is not wrong to need her support and I do believe that talking through it all with her can help and really hope you are able to find the safety and security of a truly supportive and professional relationship which you do deserve so much and really can help you as you do grow stronger and stronger and learn to overcome all these things.

God bless
Helen

 

[macca]

Hi Reds, I'm so glad to hear you've decided to try and see your T sooner. You are strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for. These reactions are not a weakness in you, they are PTSD reactions. They can't be held back, and certainly not indefinitely, no matter how strong someone is. You deserve help and support, and I'm so glad you are coming to the forum, and have access to your T.

 

[Jane.l]

I agree with Macca you need to see your T. You sound like you have really been through it and been really strong and very brave. I think its totally understandable that being in that situation would mess with your emotions and I would say its totally ok to be angry but now you need your T to help you make sense of these feelings it has stirred up and that's ok .

I know you are very wary of your dependancy on your T and I am in exactly the same place with you. Sometimes the intense emotion caught up with trusting and allowing someone in feels like a trauma in its self and most days I can't quite work out whether to stick with it or run but I get through by thinking this is not going to be forever I just need my T at the moment whilst I try and heal and its ok to depend on him because I need him in my corner right now .

I think you are very brave and are maybe doing alot better than you give yourself credit for - you are going through really hard times .