Relationship Father In Law Trouble

[Anonymous12345]

My father in law is coming for Christmas and our relationship is very strained.

FIL is a former military officer. When my husband grew up he was hardly there, later he send his children to boarding schools. Nevertheless he had "high standards" for scholastic performance and so on.
He got yelled at for bad grades, the FIL also pulled his hair, pulled him around the room on a ear and so on.

Needless to say his relationship with his children is strained, with two of my husbands siblings already stopped talking to him.
The FIL also persuaded my husband to join the military and I am still angry at him for that.

FIL is not a pleasant person to be around. He does not talk to people he barks orders at them.
I was pregnant when we married and he told both me and my husband that to his mind we lacked sexual morals, sat at our wedding with a face that would have turned the milk sour.

My husband has PTSD (not from the FIL, from military service). Still the FIL holds him to high standards and does not accept anything but perfection. He tells my husband how unimpressed he is by his career and so on.
My husband does not want to rock the boat and is sweet and pleasant around him.

I hate it.

 

[Kintsugi]

Is your FIL coming to your house? If I were you, I would start setting some boundaries about how you expect to be regarded, treated, etc. while he is in your home if that is the case. I do not let people into my house who will not respect it as my house, my domain. Hospitality is all well and good, and I'm not inhospitable, but I expect boundaries to be respected, and I cannot let someone into my space if I feel I will not be able to enforce those boundaries.

I also recommend you brush up on your assertive language skills so that if conflict arises, you can handle it gracefully in spite of how others cope with the situation. Assertive language has a way of taking people who are unreasonable and showing them that you refuse to sink into their unreasonable thinking and are unafraid to illustrate what good reason would dictate. For example, "[FIL], when you say _______, I feel I am not being related to as a family member but as a subordinate. You are in my home as a family member, and I wish to be spoken to accordingly. Can we discuss how we can maintain a calm, friendly tone while you visit that is agreeable to everyone?"

 

[Anonymous12345]

Could we pratice that assertive language?

Let's take two examples of things my FIL often says.

~FIL (comes in, looks around, takes a deep breath, our house is not untidy): "Wow! This house is a mess! don't the two of you have any standards? How can you live like this". Our house is not unkempt. Hubby says he would always say that no matter how it look like.

~Husband talking about his career. FIL "You must try harder"

 

[Friday]

One thing the military will really teach you is how to grin in the face of f*cked up shit. Also how to choose your battles. Sounds like his father is a battle he doesn't want to choose.

Fair warning : If you choose this battle without his consent, and surprise him with needing to choose sides between you & his father, be prepared to be hurt: no matter which side he chooses.

 

[circe47]

Sadly, we are often forced to make certain choices when it comes to the people we love. You must make a choice either to keep the peace for/with your husband, or defend your sanctuary and personal integrity. Your husband must make a choice of standing up for/with his wife, or keeping the peace with his daddy. FIL must make a choice between crossing boundaries and disrespecting his hosts, or get a clue that the people in his life are not soldiers at whom to bark orders and discipline.

Everyone has a choice. Some choices are no-brainers……..

 

[risingsun]

My husband does not want to rock the boat and is sweet and pleasant around him

Wow, sounds like quite the stressor. I have a distant family member who barks orders. Sorry you must listen and deal with this. I know how hard it can be to listen to it and not be able to say anything.

I think maybe your husband is probably doing the right thing by not dancing the dance of anger with the father. It would only escalate the situation. Keeping the peace is probably best for the holiday. Best of Luck to You. My prayers are with you for a great holiday. You definitely deserve it! Rising Sun