Fear And Confusion

[barefoot]

Oh, a couple more things...

t I've come out more than one therapy session in the past and immediately taken minor overdoses. I'm not nearly as worried about that as about being unable to use sessions to the full.

Are you not worried about it (the overdoses) because you don't think you would do that again? Or you think you might do it again but you're not worried about it if you do?

I wish I could afford to go private. I wish I didn't feel so powerless. I wish this didn't all feel like institutionalised abuse

I wish all those things for you too, I really do :-(

 

[Sandstone]

I think I'm unconcerned about the ODs mainly because the idea seems so distant at the moment. I can't really grasp that it is to do with me.
It also seems relatively trivial because the risk was around me driving in a drugged state, and I rarely drive now.

 

[Sandstone]

This maybe makes it sound like the whole day just becomes about therapy

And that is one of the things that Pottergate say shouldn't happen. More than enough of my life is about being unwell.

sunglasses ... headphones

doesn't that make you feel dangerously cut off? I usually prefer to have a full view of passengers on the bus, unless I can get the seat adjacent to the driver

 

[barefoot]

Yeah..that's why I said it might sound like that...but in reality, it doesn't feel like it... It's more that I see therapy days as "me" days...and I frame that in a positive way. It means I generally don't schedule any work things or any stressful things on a Monday morning. Then I allow plenty of time for my journey...and generally read on the train, which I like. Or listen to music. Or, if I want to be more vigilant, I just sit and think about whatever pops into my head and look around :-) Fortunately, the trains are not that busy whenI'm on my way in. Then with my time to kill when I get there, I can mooch around shops if I fancy it (I rarely do as I find Oxford Street quite stressful!) or I go to a quiet (for the area!) cafe or I sometimes meet a friend for coffee/lunch before my session. So, yes, therapy is a significant chunk of my day every Monday. But it's not like I obsess about therapy/the work/how I feel all day. It's more that I generally try to make sure I have quite a nice, gentle morning so that I feel in a good place to do the session.

Sunglasses and headphones - I don't feel cut off because I can see out of the sunglasses fine...it's just that people can't see in! So, it's actually easier for me to look up and look around when I'm wearing them...I tend to be more head down when I'm not wearing them.

The headphones... I always have a volume so that I can still hear. And, often, I'm not playing music at all...the headphones are just resting in my ears. I actually quite like feeling a bit in a bubble as I hate how noisy and crowded London is, so the bubble keeps things quieter and calmer....but it's not so much of a bubble that I can't hear anything, which would make me feel a bit vulnerable. If I ever started feeling anxious about someone/something, I'd take the headphones out so I'd feel like that meant having full wits about me :-)

It's all horses for courses, I guess. I used to work in London, so used to just pop to my therapist after work and then go home afterwards. Very different to now! But I've kind of got it working for me the way I'm doing it at the moment. I like my Monday's :-)