Fear I'm Dead

[sonicwhite]

Ok, it all started in 08 after three yrs of recovery. I smoked a bowl of weed and my anxiety went through the roof. I thought surely I was dead. That this whole world was my heart and the evil in this world was because of the life I lived before I died in 05 of a drug overdose.


As you can see me never getting the help I needed but shrugging it off as if it never happened screwed me up bad. Today I live with twisted nightmares that make me wake up exhausted. I ask myself what can I use to change my way of thinking. The pain I'm enduring. The nightmares are so twisted. Nukes, anything to do with the world ending.


Before I was a Christian I would have dreams but they would never cause the anxiety I feel today. Since I know God exist I always think this is my lot in life. That some how I'm in a purgatory and I'm trying to get out. When first thought it was. OCD. Now I know that the psychosis and everybody's life while going through it to being in jail with no advocate to losing my ex. The pain was so deep that I had to ask God in my heart or I was going to completely lose it for good.



I deal with nightmares about my stepdad. Abusive tone. To my mom abandoning me. To my dads fists hitting me. To the world ending. My only desire is that God can use me as a vessel to teach others there is a better way than drugs. I just want my life back. This hurts like it is hell.

 

[Nevermore]

:hug::hug::hug:

@sonicwhite
I'm an agnostic - I'm not sure about God - but My feeling is if God is real and sees the world we live in, he/she/it would be nothing but love. This world can be like hell, but imo that's a man made hell.
congratulations on turning away from drugs!!! That is huge.
Do you talk to a therapist?
Your anxiety sounds through the roof - my own anxiety has made me doubt my sanity in the past. seeing a therapist really helped with that, esp when I wanted to stop self medicating - for me it was alcohol.
It was hard to impossible to live with some of my memories and feelings without drinking. When I tried to stop, it became unbearable
It did really help to share it all with another human being - one who knew how to help.
Its been like an education as I don't think I had much of an idea of mental health before that!!
It does help!
i wish you well

 

[Gadgie]

I think life is what we make it, we can make it easy or hard, it depends on how we tackle it.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm going to the psych ward Tuesday because I have no ride until then. I'm going to rid myself of gabapentin once and for all. I have to move in two months so I don't want to drag addictions with me.


I have to do this for me. Or I'm going to end up dead. I'm tired and I can't do it alone. I need them to taper me and I'll stay a quite a bit of time until I know I'm in the clear.