Fear Of Abandonment/connection/love

[PitbullLOVE]

Hi there, my boyfriend really has to deal with the brunt of my PTSD, unfortunately. He has been unbelievably supportive, but despite this fact, I have left him multiple times, broke his heart multiple times, due to my PTSD and fear of abandonment issues. I feel so guilty and terrible because he loves me so much, and I continuously break his heart. I just get so afraid of connecting with him, so afraid of trusting him, that I break it off.

As soon as I start to feel close to him, my emotions shut down, my heart shuts down, and I run far away. It's so terrible but it happens each and every time, and with all of my emotions. I am afraid I will never be able to experience the great feelings in life because of my PTSD. This has a huge role in my life and controls a big part of my life, I need help.

 

[bell]

Are you in therapy?

 

[PearBlossom]

Agreed… I'm wondering if you are finding some kind of trigger relief or remediation so you might start being able to break that cycle. Totally btdt.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

No I am not in therapy. I have moved at least 8-10 times in the past year so getting into therapy would have been pointless, and I am moving again on the 19th of this month. I am hoping this next move will be stable so I can get into therapy then.
What is trigger relief and remediation?

 

[shimmerz]

@PitbullLOVE you may want to (if you haven't already) have you and your friend look at attachment disorders. There are different types of attachment issues and you may both understand better what is happening when you recognize your attachment style. I think there may be something going on with this as this is generally a behaviour that people display who have not learned how to trust attachments to their parents when they were younger.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

I looked them up, and I'm really not sure. My mother mentally and physically abusive and very manipulative growing up, but I don't have any memories of my childhood. My earliest memory is from when I was 13 (and they are all bad). As far as reactive attachment disorder...she would never admit if she left me wet/crying for long periods of time as a baby, so I will never know. I was told that as a toddler I would angrily ram my head on walls and throw myself out of my crib and hurt myself, though. I was VERY aggressive in elementary school and got in trouble multiple times for beating people up. I engaged in drug activity as an adolescent. As far as insecure attachment, I asked her if I did not coo, did not reach out to be picked up, etc. and she said no but she said I did avoid eye contact. I do not remember ever being close or bonded with my mother, but I do remember desperately craving it. I developed extreme hate towards my mother in my teenage years. I have been very close to my father, who is very caring and nurturing.

 

[shimmerz]

but I don't have any memories of my childhood.

This alone is a very telling sign. I am sorry this happened to you. When you get a doctor in place they will lead you through the hows and whys and the significance of some of these things you are speaking about. In the meanwhile, can you ask your friend to stick it out for a bit longer as you will understand better what is happening and just assure him that you will work your hardest at getting to what might be happening? It sounds like he is very loyal to you.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

What kind of doctor should I see? I have seen multiple therapists and to be honest with you, they have not been very helpful at all. I have also seen a psychiatrist and he just put me on medication - my appointments with him have never been more than 20 minutes long. I know he will continue to stick it out. He is indeed very loyal - he has never bailed on me, I have always been the one to bail on him. I am very lucky to have him.