General Fear Of Commitment And Ptsd

[Saec]

I posted this as a reply on another thread, but thought i might get more feedback if i started it as its own topic.

I'm confused over my ex's statement. He has said that it didn't feel right when we finally got together after his stay in afghan ( where we fell for each other-had been friends off/on for 10 years prior) doing private security and he doesn't know why. He has since told me that we weren't meant to be and that he wasn't going to put himself in another relationship that wasn't right for him like he's done before ( when he was married). That he doesn't have those feelings for me now. That afghan wasn't real.He says all this but then tells me he thinks he has a fear of commitment.

Now, my mind says if you think you have a fear of commitment, couldn't that be why you are saying all those things? Why you became detached and overwhelmed ( his words) in the days after your return besides also dealing with the obvious re associating into civilian life issues). Does this make sense or am I just reaching?

 

[Abstract]

Saec,

I really think you might be obsessing and am concerned for you. I think it might be best to slow down and rather spend some time on here learning about PTSD. That might help you more than anything else.

If it is a fear of commitment does that really change the reality of the situation you are in? Either way there is nothing you can do about this.

 

[HollyB]

I agree with Abstract, Saec. You're obsessing, which is concerning. Whether it's PTSD or commitment phobia, he's not available to you right now, and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

I also think you really need to take a step back, and look at the situation objectively.

Yes, you were friends for 10 years, but from a distance. You lived in different states. While deployed in a war zone, you reconnected, and "fell in love." ? By talking via phone, email, IM, video. Once he returned and saw you in person, he turned off "the love." He didn't feel "it." This became apparent within a couple days of his return, it was fairly immediate.

As I said a moment ago in one of your other threads, your situation is akin to online dating, where people "meet" online and spend considerable time corresponding and developing feelings for each other, and when they finally do meet/see each other in person, one or both people don't feel that special spark that is necessary to continue with a romantic relationship.

Based on everything you've written about him and your relationship, it sounds to me like he romanticized you and your relationship due to the sitaution/circumstances, not that it's PTSD.

 

[Saec]

Thank you for your replies. You gave me alot to think about. However I do want to clarify that there were other issues at play. I definitely believe he has PTSD or something resembling it based on things he has said since then, and also becoming detached, overwhelmed, emotionally numb and hyper vigilant upon his return to civilian life.Whatever happened with us I feel only added to whatever was already brewing. But I agree that I may need to let it rest for awhile. I just have had a lot of emotions and thoughts bottled up with no answers.

 

[Abstract]

I have just read your answer on another thread and am even more concerned. It seems this is a long term pattern for you. There were a couple of questions I asked you before and I would really consider answering them. I don't think this is about this guy or relationship at all and think it is about your wellbeing and your ability to deal with relationships.

I have watched my sister engage in extreme forms of this and I think I picked up something in your posts early on. She was diagnosed by a therapist with Obsessive Love. She did not show all the signs as they describe it but I do think the diagnoses was correct. Essentially the T said it was a trauma re enactment and an attempt to fix a relationship with our father. I am not saying that is the case with you but it is worth considering. That might sound psycho babble to you but think about it. You talk about having the same feelings every time you are in a relationship. When did you first have those feelings in your life?

I am going to stop replying to you know as I feel I have said anything I can say. I wish you well and hope you keep pulling your attention back to what you need to focus on - your need to constantly have reassurance and control in a relationship. The relationship stuff and lack of answers is always very hard and it is normal to struggle. Its the other aspect of this that I find concerning.

There are lots of possibilities with this guy in my opinion and it is often the case that when someone is triggered they push people away but this is totally irrelevant at the moment really as he does not want contact for now and you are not really able to have a balanced relationship at this point. You need to fix that before you get involved with anyone again in my opinion. I would highly recommend therapy. You deserve healing and happiness. That is what is important.

 

[Saec]

I appreciate all your comments. I know it sounds obsessive but its really just me grasping for answers because he left me with none. I lost someone I cared so much about that I thought cared about me, and I can try to figure it out all day long and never know the whole truth. I finally commented to him the other day (when I was still contacting him) that I think he just didn't feel a connection when he got here. And even that he wouldn't agree to. He just said I told you I don't know, stop trying to figure out what's in my head. So yes, I almost feel like I would have just felt better if he said he just didn't feel a connection....since that is what makes the most sense. But he won't say it. So I'm left still confused.

Sorry HollyB-I meant to post this here for you to read instead of the conversation section. Sorry. ;)

 

[amethist]

Hi Saec

This may sound harsh, so I apologize before you read any further. We dont often fluffy coat things here, but here goes.

It sounds like you are going to have to treat this as any other relationship that did not work. Forget the PTSD in it and stop looking for answers where there possibly is none.

Unfortunately there are many out there with out PTSD who string women along online, then dont want to know when it comes to meeting up. So would you be feeling the same way if this were the case, would you still be reaching out, or is it the PTSD that is keeping you holding on.

My suggestion is for you to try and move on now, go live your own life and have some fun with friends. Look at this as one that got away.

Dont let it drag you down anymore, for your own sanity.

Amethist

 

[Saec]

What's keeping me holding on is the 10 year friendship we had prior. And that we started speaking before he even left for afghan. It didn't all take place there.

I get what your saying. Believe me, I've looked at this from every angle. I have a life, I go to work, I live. But questions still are there whether I am moving on or not. To me his actions after getting here do not all add up. I have since told him that I feel like we just didn't have that connection... He refuses to agree with this. He can't talk about emotions or feelings, he says there are a lot of things he wants to talk to someone about and figure out in his head, he feels overwhelmed and still insists that he just doesn't know what happened. I have said that perhaps he was just lonely.... He got angry and said if he told me he didn't know what was wrong than how can I say that I might now what was wrong.

And then there's this isolation that he needs. You would think that even if the relationship just didn't work, he'd be able to communicate a little and just explain that to me. That even tho there might not have been a connection, he is still going to have some residual feelings after being that close to someone and being friends for so long prior. Even if its just general caring. He has nothing. It's as though he has just shut down completely and does not want to access any part of his emotions or of that time in afghan. He can't even talk to me as a friend anymore.

So that is why I hold on. Although I am slowly starting to let it go. It's getting easier to control my thoughts and I don't contact him anymore. But do you see why it is hard to understand what happened..... How everything just seems a little off. Believe me, at this point I would have welcomed a phone call with him saying it just didn't work, or him agreeing with ANY if the scenarios I laid out for him. It almost would have been easier. Hell, if i just didn't want to be with someone and they wouldn't leave me alone id jump at any chance they gave me.....yeah, that was it. we just didn't connect sorry. But he doesn't do that. He only says he doesn't know what happened and wants to see someone to figure it out.

 

[HollyB]

And then there's this isolation that he needs. You would think that even if the relationship just didn't work, he'd be able to communicate a little and just explain that to me.

You're thinking he should behave and act the way that you would if in his shoes. People react differently, even without PTSD. Guys bail without a word or explanation all the time.