emhaines21
New Here
Conflict has always been my downfall! I avoid it like the plague! Its so bad now I don't even like paying my bills. Really no conflict there, but everything now feels like conflict to me. If its not I somehow manage to catastrophize the situation to cause anxiety. My mind shuts down, my chest feels tight, can feel my blood pressure rise. I avoid my boss, I avoid my bills, I avoid my ex wife! which really isn't a bad thing other than it is hurting my children. My thought processes shut down because of the anxiety. I use to be really aggressive and would intimidate people, now I am just scared!!!!!! I have now become an expert at avoidance! Which causes more anxiety, because I am unable to confront the situation and bring closure to it. So everything in life is piling up on me and I sit and wait for the mountain to fall and bury me! Think of suicide quite often but couldn't put my kids through another death! Conflict for me is a life or death scenario!!!! At 7 yrs old I witnessed the attempted murder of my mother and murder of my grandmother. Spent the rest of my life moving from one distraction to the next! Never dealt with it! Didn't know how! I felt ignored as a child! I always felt like people walked on egg shells around me. I became the man of the house, living with my single mother and my sister! Never had a chance to be a kid! I don't remember much of my childhood. Not sure if that is because I distracted myself through life. I was married for 18 years and avoided conflict with her for all those years. Probably why I am not married now. In January of 2013 I lost my mother to a massive stroke, spent 4 days in the hospital with her while everyone looked at me to make decisions for her care. She only had basic motor function! No one was home. Probably the most miserable 4 days of my life!!!! I had to give the doctor the order to take her off life support! I freaked out on all the people involved in her care after 4 days of torture. After I freaked out and they took all life saving measures from her she died within 15 minutes. The oxygen she was on was keeping her alive, I assume. Then in May 2013 my father calls me and said he is having chest pain. I tell him to go to the doctor! He never does! I am out of town that day and when I get home he shows up at my home at 9 pm and is crying! He didn't want to go to a doctor unless I took him to the hospital. I rushed him to the hospital and they take him into the cath lab immediately. He survives the procedure and actually recovers with his Left coronary artery completely occluded. That is a miracle in itself! He also finds out he has uncontrolled diabetes. I take to my home after 6 days in the hospital! I take him to his doctors appointments and try and help him to take care of his diabetes and his diet. He is not receptive to the new life thrust upon him. I get frustrated and chew him out! This is after about 4 days at my home. I tell him! I am sorry! My daughter is lying on the couch beside him and I go upstairs to go to bed. My wife wakes me and says something isn't right!!! I rushed downstairs and my dad is on the couch white as a ghost and not breathing! I grabbed my daughter and rush her upstairs!!!! Go back down and pull my father off the couch!! I am praying to God!!! Why!!!! not again! I froze before I started chest compressions. I couldn't f*cking believe it was happening again! I started compressions but couldn't save him. June 2014 my wife sends me a text message while at work! I want a divorce! Now here it is July of 2016 and I am still a f*cking mess! My ex has this wonderful new life!! I lost both my parents, my beautiful home, my wife and worst of all my children! They live with there mother cause I cant get my shit together. I have never use what support system I ever had, now they are gone! I was to angry at the world and avoided all my family! Pissed off at the cards I had been dealt! I don't know how to ask for help! I have never had a routine so I don't know how to organize my life and get my shit together. I am just waiting for the day that mountain we all face in life to collapse and bury me! So in essence! My 7 yr old brain was taught that conflict is life or death and my physical symptoms are like a skipping record playing out that scenario everyday! I cannot shut this off! I have tried medications, drinking, drugs and we all know where that gets ya! Anything for that second of relief! Learning that chaos from the beginning has come to haunt me.
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