I have some significant difficulties with disassociation. EMDR introduced me to a bunch of inner parts that have sort of always been around. I just assumed everyone else has this as well. I honestly don’t know if emdr caused it or if this is just me. Today in therapy, my therapist started talking about something that i
had written her in emails this week. Some how this scared me and I wanted to run out of my room (online). I stayed, but shut down. My T guided me to a butterfly hug thing and then we did flash emdr. We are dealing with my teen age part which always seems to be problematic. I need help on what I should do about this part, but I also want to know how rare or common this is. Is dissociation on a spectrum? Does it grow worse over time or is this because we are back to dealing with my big T? How can I turn this off and just be like normal people?
Dissociation, like most things, is on a spectrum I believe. When actively traumatized....dissociation for me was at it's worst-it was like moving through a thick fog, and I was clumsy, preoccupied, and I had shit for brains, poor reading comprehension, poor decision making skills, lacked confidence, resulting in a crappy memory.....Lists were everywhere.....I was totally disorganized. When the threats/triggers were not present...things got better. Now, I rarely dissociate and usually that is set off in T's office. It was so bad at first, when I went to this new T, she said we had to step back and walk around the trauma instead of barreling through it....touch on it...and step back, then circle back next time-so I stayed grounded and didn't take off for another dimension...dissociate. MY first T didn't modulate conversations, and didn't teach me to stay grounded.....so I kinda head on through the barn, lets talk about it......get it out in the open...and that's success but all it did was create some serious dissociation and lots of fear/terror and anger........which was over the top, and that approach tore me the hell up. It's working better to modify how much I talk about...build up a tolerance so to speak.
I am grateful now to wake up clear headed/clear vision, with no immediate thoughts of family crap-I know it's a bad day starting if the first thing in my head has to do with social/family issues/traumas. I used to wake up every day like that....wake up in a fog, even after getting some sleep. So, yes...there is a lot of correlation of symptoms during active trauma and as well, when triggered by something.
Parts...I got and get parts. I talk to my parts and try to be nice to them now than I use to...I just ignored them before....find something that soothes your teen part....do you remember doing anything that was comforting when you were a teenager (music, art, sports, photography, exercise, clothes you wore, etc.? I found that teen part of me that was traumatized does well with calming activities like art, photography, and jigsaw puzzles and some shirts that are out of character feel good. Certain non-drinking/drug movies are also well received by what feels like that younger part of me. Popcorn.......the taste, superheroes and sci-fi movies are also comforting. So, find something fun, what works for that teen part .....and go do it. Communication with parts slows the dissociation, and over time, you will gain the ability to stay grounded.... when the scared parts of you start to trust yourself.....dissociation will slow, memory will increase as you communicate with the parts. If I forget, I know a part of me knows where I put the keys, my soda, my glasses, credit card, purse...etc.......even if I was dissociative at the time. Stop and ask your parts for help.......and this helped me work with parts....and now....if I do put something down, I can usually close my eyes....ask inside....and remember.
Working online can be hard when dissociation is involved. There is no way I'll have therapy online. My parts won't have a therapist or negative juju/therapist/trauma related talk in my house. My home is my safe space. You might consider talking about the value of an in-person visit every so often....or going more often as the opportunity presents itself.
