Fear Of Next Therapy Appointment

[seedling]

Glad things calmed down in your head some. It's hard to deal with the "freak out" times, even when you know that's what's happening. It's nice when some of that stuff passes and you can get a better perspective.
Go easy on yourself and good luck.

 

[mrsps]

@LF1 How did your session go? :)

 

[LF1]

How did your session go?

I've been thinking about this for a while, probably since it finished and I'm still not really sure. I was exhausted afterwards, who would have thought speaking so little could be so exhausting. The good news is I turned up (physically at least) so I guess that's a start.

I'm just really frustrated. I don't communicate well generally (there have been a lot of years where I've isolated badly and so am well out of practice) but I can normally fake my way through everyday conversations when I have to. Get to a therapy session though and I'm now like a petulant 2yr old who refuses to speak. I'm at the point where I'm not even trying to fake it with her in mundane conversation, I'm almost completely shutdown verbally at the moment. I seriously would have been lucky to hit double digits in the word count yesterday, I seem to be talking less every session.

I guess it's a good thing since I'm not talking that I did give her what I had written (though I said she couldn't read it until I left). The wait is on now to see what the fallout of that ends up being. Thus now I'm already freaked about the next appointment. I guess this is why people often email what they've written if they can't make themselves give it to T at the start of the session because now I'm completely second guessing everything while I wait to see what happens. I wrote a lot, certainly a lot compared to how little I speak and some of it was maybe best left unsaid/unwritten. I don't know. I didn't lay it all out there, that would have taken a lot more pages, but I did expand a little on what's tormenting me, or at least I hinted around the bit of it that I need to say but can't. I then went a little "stream of consciousness" at the end and finished with "I wish he'd just killed me instead." I don't know how that will be taken. She asks how I am and I say ok, but when she reads what I've written she'll think I'm a crazy mess. I've got a bad feeling about it all. I know it's probably my issues and insecurities speaking but all I can think of is everything that can go wrong with all this.

Next appointment will likely be another fortnight, she seemed to want to do weekly but I don't think I could handle that. It'd be the only thing I think of. I'd actually like it every 3 weeks - 1 week to get over it, 1 week to forget about it, and 1 week to get ready to go again. I know I'm making it sound really bad and it's not that bad, it's just hard and frustrating and I feel useless at it.

Sorry this is so negative.

 

[mrsps]

Well done on making it to your appointment, it doesn't matter that you couldn't say much the most important thing is that you showed up! I can totally understand your fear of what you have written but if they are a good therapist they will be gentle in how they respond. Your t will already know how scared you are by how quiet you are in the session they are not going to judge you or tell you off or anything like that. What you have written will help them understand a bit more about you so they can begin to help you.
Do you not actually have another appointment scheduled in? I think weekly is best but you need to do whatever feels best for you, as you get into it more you may find you are best with weekly appointments. I am embarrassed to say that I live for my weekly appointments and a week feels like such a long time to wait!
Take care :)

 

[seedling]

I'm not even trying to fake it with her

I think this is really positive. It's OK to be that 2 yr old self!

I found that the longer I went to therapy the more I found comfort in having a place where I could just be the way I was right then with someone to be there for me. mmmm maybe I felt it was like a time when I could be there for myself - not have to please anyone else or act a certain way (although I always had those feelings under the surface during my sessions!)

You can gradually peel away the layers, congratulations on going and on giving her your writing to read. The more information she has about you the more she can understand you and help you.

 

[LF1]

Do you not actually have another appointment scheduled in? I think weekly is best but you need to do whatever feels best for you, as you get into it more you may find you are best with weekly appointments.

As far as I know it's not scheduled in yet. We actually went for a walk instead of in the office and she said she'd email me the time of the next appointment because she went back to the office and I walked the other direction. I presumed she'd just send off a quick email when she got back and could see her appointments but she hasn't done that yet... so who knows. My mind's going over all the possible reasons for that (especially after I gave her what I wrote) - none particularly positive but we'll see what happens.

The weekly/fortnightly thing, I agree weekly would probably be best - she said might be easier to build some momentum. This specific fortnight though is tough in that I have a uni assignment due monday and then an exam in about a week and I haven't studied all semester so need to make myself cram! Therapy wipes me out for days either side. If I'm honest I'd probably like weekly but I'm limited in the number of total sessions I can get anyway, and as much as I want to run from therapy I seem to now also like knowing it's there so want to space them out. When I think of weekly and the way it is at the moment I also think the sessions would be done before I've even said a word, and even though it doesn't really work this way if I space them out I feel like maybe it gives me longer to work out how to talk (give me time to change between session LOL). I don't know, this push-pull thing towards and away from therapy is just plain odd.

I think this is really positive. It's OK to be that 2 yr old self!

I found that the longer I went to therapy the more I found comfort in having a place where I could just be the way I was right then with someone to be there for me. mmmm maybe I felt it was like a time when I could be there for myself - not have to please anyone else or act a certain way (although I always had those feelings under the surface during my sessions!)

I've been wondering this myself, though it feels uncomfortable and like I'm being rude not to be making the effort to fake normal conversation with her, but maybe it's a good thing. I must feel somewhat safe there not to have to fake it. And at least it means we'd be starting from somewhere sort of honest because even though I can't explain how I feel she can see it to an extent. Like maybe I sort of trust her enough now not to put up the "I'm fine" front even if I don't trust her enough to be able to say "I'm not fine and this is why..."

 

[mrsps]

I'm limited in the number of total sessions I can get

How does it work in Australia, can you get free sessions?
Here I have been lucky enough to get therapy through ACC. Have been given 16 sessions then they review it and hopefully give us more. But yeah I have the fear that we will just start to get somewhere then wont be given any more sessions

 

[LF1]

How does it work in Australia, can you get free sessions?

Yeah we can get 6 sessions and then another 4 after review by GP I think. It used to be more than that, and that's each calendar year. The T I'm seeing does these "medicare" sessions 1 day a week and works the other days in the uni counselling department, so there is probably some scope for some more sessions through that. She said at the start that the people she sees through the "medicare" version then normally go to follow up appointments with her in the "counselling" side maybe once a month or something (as needed or if needed) so that progress isn't lost or something. I don't think she'd just drop me off the earth without any support in place if things weren't going well and the sessions were up... but who really knows.

I think in Aus it used to be 12+6 so a bit closer to your 16+. I totally understand your fear of not getting more sessions once you've just sort of got it all going. The session limited nature doesn't really allow you to ease in and it makes trust harder because you're always ready (or fearful) for it to be ended anyway. Plus it makes every session feel like a pressure cooker that you've got to be making these big leaps in. I'm sure the T's feel that pressure too.

 

[mrsps]

Plus it makes every session feel like a pressure cooker that you've got to be making these big leaps in

lol I love the way you have worded this!
We have enough to worry about without having the extra pressure of wondering how many sessions we will get. Plus its sooo expensive to pay to go privately! Its almost like if we don't get enough sessions to get through everything is there any point in even starting

 

[LF1]

Its almost like if we don't get enough sessions to get through everything is there any point in even starting

Oh I totally agree with that! And it's not like we're not already fighting enough reasons not to turn up and open up! It's crazy when you compare it to physical injuries. It's like we go to therapy to try and open up these wounds to get them to heal properly this time, and then we hit this limit where they say I know we've been picking at this wound and you're still bleeding from it but we're going to stop trying to treat it now caus you've already been here a few times.

Of course I'm only talking in the theoretical because the few times I've tried therapy I've run from it before I've hit my session limit... but hey my point's still the same LOL.

 

[LF1]

So, I'm still waiting to hear from my T about when my next appointment is. It's been a week so in theory my next appointment should be next week (we said a fortnight) but I'm not sure what's happening now. I guess the adult thing to do would be to email her but it feels so damn hard without knowing why she hasn't emailed me with the time already. I guess it makes it worse that the last session was when I gave her something I wrote since I couldn't talk. I'm definitely wondering whether that was a mistake now.

Part of me wonders if she's just forgotten that she said she'd send me a quick email with the time since we weren't in the office for the last session. There have been times in our sessions where she seems to forget things I've said previously. I try not to worry about it because I'm sure she sees lots of people but it is off putting. Maybe that's what's happened here but if so it's not great timing and doesn't fill me with confidence. I took a big risk (or it felt like it) in being vulnerable and writing some things and now I've been met with silence... which of course I fill with my own messed up thoughts.

I'm so scared of her reaction if I email her. It's not that she'd get angry, it's that if she has simply forgotten then I think she'd feel pretty bad considering it was after I had taken the chance and written stuff. I fear her apology and wanting to talk about how it all made me feel. Whether I could still trust her and things like that because we have touched on some betrayal stuff and how people can hurt you. I know I would play it down and say I was fine and it didn't matter (and she probably wouldn't push me on it) but she's also not an idiot and would doubt it's true. If it was just after a normal session than maybe she'd believe me but she saw how hard it was for me to give her what I wrote.

I also don't want to email her because I don't want to be needy or hassle her, I don't want her to know that I want or need these sessions. I like to pretend I don't care about anything so nothing can hurt me. Plus I don't even know that she's just forgotten - there could be other reasons. The darker reasons I'm trying to keep my mind from. The maybe she doesn't want to work with me reason. Maybe I'm too messed up and she doesn't think she can help. Maybe now I've told her some of what happened she sees me how I see myself. That stuff just makes me wish I hadn't told her anything.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I often wonder if therapists do things like this on purpose to see how we react, then try to help us work on how it made us feel, or are they just genuinely negligent? I would feel very uncomfortable with a therapist who keeps forgetting things. I think I would try being direct with her, ask her if she thinks she can help you. I feel in a way she is wasting your (valuable) time.