Fear Of Next Therapy Appointment

[LF1]

@Cj77 I've been battling those thoughts myself - maybe not negligent, but maybe qualified or competent enough for my specific situation. She isn't a trauma T, but I also have very limited options in terms of therapy and I've already used up a lot of my sessions for this year seeing her.

I wrote about trust a little and how I find it difficult (in what I gave her after our last session). I also wrote about not feeling committed to anything (not specifically therapy) but generally feeling like I'm testing waters and yet still being prepared to run, so I could see her testing me on this maybe. But we've only had 5 sessions so it would seem odd to me if she was testing me, to see how I react after I've just taken my first real big leap to be honest and vulnerable with her. It would seem counterproductive to me, but I'm not a T!

I've read most of the Therapy Threads on here since I found this place and a couple of the eye openers for me has been people talking about Ts not being perfect, and also talking about not assuming or trying to mind read what the T means etc if you're unsure. That as you say, best to be direct and ask. That's something so foreign to me, I'm passive to the point of fault. I think I've probably been giving my T the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things (because they're not perfect and she does seem kind) and because I know I'm probably looking for reasons to distrust both the T and the therapy, and thus run from it. It makes it hard to really know what I should be concerned about in terms of a Ts competency and what is my issues (if that makes sense).

 

[mrsps]

I am really sorry to hear she hasn't emailed you back, argh that would piss me off and I would have confused feelings just as you do. If she has forgotten then that would concern me but I guess they see so many people it could happen but you shouldn't need to chase her up. It sucks cos you have so many other things to worry about let alone why she hasn't got back to you.
I think if I was in that situation I would send a quick email just asking when your next appointment is going to be, but not mention anything else. Best to leave everything else for an actual session
Best wishes and try not to worry too much :)

 

[LF1]

@mrsps thanks for understanding (it's good to know I'm not unreasonable in my feelings and thoughts about this). Yes, I think if I do send her an email than it would be just about the time/day of the next appointment. The rest I would want to just play off her for now because there's nothing really to be said without knowing why there's been a delay in letting me know anyway. I'm not going to email her yet though (caus I'm chicken lol) but if I haven't heard from her by next week (which really means tomorrow since I'm pretty sure she doesn't work Monday's) than I'm going to have to make myself do that I think.

 

[watundah]

This smacks so familiar. It took a good two years for me to even start to open up and there are still bad days where my responses are 1 or 2 words. Lots of very high protective walls around me. Im fortunate to have a hard working therapist who continuously nudges me with questions because that's what I need.

Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. After all, you have years of practice with these defense mechanisms. It will take a while to change that.

 

[barefoot]

It would be driving me nuts if my therapist hadn't yet emailed me to arrange my next session a week after she said she would. That said, mine has a tendency to be a little forgetful - she sometimes says that she'll send me a web link to something or someone's contact details etc and she never does and I think it's that she genuinely forgets. If I email her asking for the link she mentioned, she'll then send it through.

It's something I find irritating - probably because when she doesn't do what she says she'll do (even if it's only a little thing) or when she keep me hanging on for days before reply to an email, it sends my inner spook into overdrive and I start panicking, doubting myself and giving myself a hard time for being too needy. Like you, I really hate feeling needy!

I do sometimes wonder if she leaves me hanging on purpose sometimes - because she knows I find it difficult so she does it to not indulge my anxiety and control-freakery :-)

Anyway, if it were me, I'd drop her a very brief, very neutral email just saying something like 'I was just wondering if you had a date for our next session, which I think is supposed to be next week? Next week is getting a little busy so it would be good to get you in the diary so that I can make sure I keep that time free.' Or something! Personally, I'd write it like that so that I wouldn't feel like I was accusing her or that I was annoyed or that I was feeling needy...I think it just sounds like I'm trying to be practical/organised! :-)

Good luck!

 

[mrsps]

The more I think about it the more angry it is making me! I guess I am the sort of person who if I say I am going to do something I do it, I don't like letting people down!
My old T would forget some of the stuff I would tell her but its a lot to take in so I kind of understand that but to forget to email someone to make an appointment is rude!
Sorry just my 2 cents worth

 

[LF1]

years of practice with these defense mechanisms. It will take a while to change that.

I do wonder sometimes if our Ts see just how hard we are trying when we can't find the words. Sometimes just getting to the appointment and getting through the door seems like a monumental victory.

I do sometimes wonder if she leaves me hanging on purpose

I think for this to work well therapeutically there would have to be "some miles in the bank" already and a fair amount of trust built up. Otherwise I'd be more inclined to feel manipulated, as though I was being played (tho maybe those are my issues). I just think early on at least being reliable and dependable is pretty important - especially when a lot of us haven't had people in our life who fit those descriptions.

if it were me, I'd drop her a very brief, very neutral email just saying something like 'I was just wondering if you had a date for our next session, which I think is supposed to be next week?

Yep, I think this is what I'll need to do. I had to laugh at the next bit you wrote about 'needing to get myself organised etc' because she would so not buy that from me! And I so could not get myself to write that anyway (it's too many words lol) and I always say anytime's fine etc. I agree on keeping it neutral though. I can also see I'm going to spend hours (maybe days!) stressing over my exact wording - even though it'll be unlikely to be more than 2 lines! Don't even get me started on how long it'll take me to click the send button lol.

The more I think about it the more angry it is making me! I guess I am the sort of person who if I say I am going to do something I do it, I don't like letting people down!

I've been really struggling with how I feel about it myself. And yep, I've used that dreaded 'f' word (feelings - ugh, *shudder*).

I don't feel a lot of emotions, or well I think maybe I feel them briefly but I get rid of them pretty quick. In our first session she asked me how I knew I was feeling anxious - and where in my body it was. Since I've now read this forum from top to bottom I realise that's not an unusual question but man did it throw me at the time. It seemed a ridiculous question to me. It wasn't in my body - a leg or arm LOL, I so didn't get it. The closest we got was "well maybe I can feel my heart beating faster." I ended up saying I just feel uncomfortable and then I shut it all down. I so didn't know the significance of that at the time I said it but it's the only thing I've ever seen her write down. Thus some googling on my part and yeah I think I probably do disassociate to a certain extent. I just go into my head, I don't know - it seems more zoned out than "outer-body" but it does allow me to dull/ignore the uncomfortable stuff, and I've always been able to do it.

As for the no email thing though, I don't know how I feel. I was pretty upset last night - not exactly tears (I don't really do them) but it seemed close, eyes were certainly filling I just wouldn't let them drop I guess. It's not anger (that's too strong for me) but maybe irritated or frustrated. It's more inconvenient than anything because what I should do next will stress me out majorly. And then there's still the obvious worrying about the thousand reasons why she maybe hasn't emailed. The "forget" reason is ok - well not ok, but it's a more practical reason. The other reasons are probably more my "self-loathing" reasons, like maybe it's not "forgetful" but intentional (and then the reasons why). Plus it just seems like a really bad session to have "forgot" after, I find it hard to imagine reading what I wrote and then forgetting to email me. I get she's probably read stuff like that before but it was important and significant to me, so I guess it kind of hurts that after reading it she would forget to send a 30second email with a time.

I don't know, I know I'm going over the same thing so this really is just venting because I do know what I need to do next (just send a basic email) but it has seemed to help writing here and hearing all your thoughts rather than be stuck with just my own spinning around my head. Thanks everyone. I hope you're all doing well (or at least relatively well in this PTSD-land).

 

[Biz]

@LF1 , what ended up happening? Did she forget or explain?

 

[LF1]

Hi @Biz , nothing has happened yet. I haven't heard from her and I haven't emailed her either. I've made an appointment with a GP late tomorrow to try and get something for my lack of sleep/anxiety and at this stage the thought is that while I'm there I'll ask the receptionist if I'm booked in with my T this week (GP and T are run out of the same place). If I'm not booked in, I figured I could just make an appointment for the following week (I keep changing my mind on that). Not ideal, but unless the reason is something other than she forgot and thus she brings something up about it in the session, then it will probably all go on unspoken and unknown.

It's a bit of a cop out on my end but the path of least resistance has it's appeal and this way I get to avoid feeling like an annoyance and worrying about all the what ifs, and sending an email. I'm not sure how the session itself will go whenever it ends up being. I'm having a lot of doubts about the therapy and the T but I also know I've had a rough few days and am currently fighting myself not to make poor decisions and sabotage things generally (not just my T stuff but other things in my life too). I'm wanting to quit all sorts of things this week, yesterday I had decided I wasn't going back to therapy and I wasn't sitting my uni exam this week and was probably going to quit that entirely too.

Today I'm trying to remember that feelings pass and now's probably not a great time to make what would likely be emotional decisions. I'm really just trying not to quit and seeing that in itself as a win. The uni thing, I'll fail the exam because I haven't done ANY work the last couple of months but getting myself to turn up and try and do what I can would still be a step, it would be some kind of improvement from running when things are hard. Same with therapy, I want to run and this "not having been emailed an appointment time" is a big part but probably not the only reason. Turning up and facing it though, seeing what happens - maybe there's a talk about the non-email or maybe there's not, maybe the session goes well or maybe it doesn't, maybe I even come to a proper considered decision that this T can or can't help me - I don't know, but I think it's important this time to show up, see it through, and not just take off and quit.

 

[watundah]

LF1:

Re: shutting down feelings quickly. This is a battle for me, too. It is difficult to stay with those feelings. They disappear so quickly. My T insists we feel them at least a second or two before they disappear and to try to focus on that. I still swear nothing = nothing.

And I do think that they know how difficult it is for us to speak. My T is scary empathic. She will sometimes close her eyes and feel in to what is going on and it kind of freaks me out . Plus we are oozing out lots of signals and body language we aren't conscious of.

"I think it's important this time to show up, see it through, and not just take off and quit."

This is excellent. Do try to give yourself a bit of a push. It can be soooooo hard, but after, it does such good and can make you feel proud for the effort. So it is all about peeling the layers and gaining strength. Strength to feel, just a little, so we don't get overwhelmed. Strength to speak, no matter how much it takes to push out some words. And you are already strong. Look how far you have come.

I sometimes sit in therapy and feel the words are in my mouth, just inside my teeth. While it may be tough as hell to get them out, afterward there's a big "Whew! Glad that's out!" So you are so not alone here.

I know it's a rocky start here, but please keep taking good care and pressing on for what you need. Wierd things happen. There may be a reasonable explanation (huge server meltdown destroyed all outgoing email, etc.).

 

[LF1]

Just a quick update. Haven't heard specifically from my T and didn't make an appointment or check anything after I saw my GP yesterday (I just wanted to get out of there). This morning though I got an automated text message reminding me of my T appointment tomorrow (they always get sent the day before) so looks like she booked me in but just didn't send the email to tell me what time (or it got lost in cyberspace lol). I was sort of happy then freaked out and then just busy because I had an exam today so haven't really got my head around the appointment yet. I am glad she didn't actually forget - it's a relief. Now I think I'm just nervous, didn't know when I'd be going back but didn't think it would be tomorrow! I feel like I've got no time to prepare myself LOL not that there's anything to "prepare." I'd probably just spend the extra time freaking out about it so this might actually be a good thing. Haven't seen her since I gave her what I wrote - now there's something to freak out about! I'm not freaking out though (at least not yet), just nervous which I think is pretty normal. Hopefully tomorrow goes ok.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow @LF1, good luck :)