Assault Fear Of Not Being Believed

[Deleted member 34328]

For various reason I haven't said anything about something that happened today. Compared to a big part of my initial trauma, this seems like nothing - except that I can't quite convince myself that it is.

I haven't said anything to anyone about it because I'm sure I would never be believed. I was at a gym this morning where my daughters take gymnastic classes. Long story short, a man I don't know backed me up and ran his hand down from my shoulder to my waist... it was crowded and with my ongoing PTSD issues as well as a more recent stressor that caused a big flare up.

My husband doesn’t believe half of the original trauma. It's been 4 years back in April. I texted my therapist to ask a question about trying to fit this into some thought record charts that he's been encouraging me to use since the last blow up. I didn't intend to share a any of this, but some info came out. He didn't press for too many details when I said I wasn't comfortable even texting it. He asked if I had reported it. I made it clear that I don't want to do anything about this. I know he doesn't agree with me but I don't think he'll do anything about it since I did say it could have been worse.

I guess I want to post this just because I need someone here to tell me I'm not crazy. I've experienced much worse yet this feels just as bad. Why? Others here speak my language where no one else does. I was just touched. Really doesn't seem like it should matter.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

You're not crazy, not in the least.

I think that after we're traumatized, when something happens it sends us over the edge more easily than if the trauma had never happened.

:hug:

 

[Naoru]

You are not crazy.

What happened was wrong and violating. It matters. Whether or not it was technically as "bad" as your other experiences is irrelevant. It feels just as bad because well, it was bad, and it reinforces those negative beliefs we've held onto and ways we have coped with our "worse" traumas in the past. It brings up old memories, old feelings, all of the fun stuff we're trying to heal from ... not to mention the whole my PTSD cup runneth over deal.

JMO from how it has been explained to me, but no, you are not crazy. Sending you lots of strength and encouragement from afar.

 

[Jaded]

You are not crazy at all! I am very protective of my personal space, and I am learning to allow people into it. Even my friends know not to touch me without permission.. The way that man touched you violated your space, and you have every right to feel the way that you do.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you all. I guess I do feel a lot of the old feelings...ones that should never have happened to anyone. I really hadn't thought about it that way before. it does make sense.

It feels as though I must have some type of label on my head that volunteers this. Probably just the old "why me" scenario. But seriously, of all the other people in that area, what did I possibly do that gave any green light? Where did I go wrong?

Last time there was no question about who did what...this time it still feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of a smaller thing... but it feels like it has to have been something I did wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you didn't do anything wrong. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Then it goes back to why me? Again!

 

[EveHarrington]

Why you? Because some jerk decided that he would push boundaries. It's all on him. It's not you. It's not your fault. Not at all.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Here's an update... didn't sleep well last night. I dreamed of the incident during the day, but with a better ending...for me.

Instead of just going blank and doing nothing - for real, in my dream I fought back. Literally. My husband has bruises this morning. He says I lash out quite regularly - not a real surprise, but this time I woke up and remember the dream. If only the clock could turn back I'd have a different story to tell. Still feeling yucky this morning. (so does my husband)

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Do you know how many people are sexually abused in this world? In north America I think the stats are 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys.

This happened to you, but you have not been singled out. It feels like you are the only one, but that man could have gone on to do the same thing to however many people after he did it to you.

The reason why it happened to you is because a man chose to, and because it happens to millions of people every day.

I was given the privilege of sitting in on a session of Johns School, which I'd a court ordered educational presentation for men who have been caught buying prostitutes. I find out that one of the main characteristics of a prostitute that will make many men choose them is that they seemed nice and non-threatening.

There's nothing wrong with being nice, or non-threatening. What's wrong is the mans choice to buy a person.

I hope you can let go of the idea that there is something wrong with you that attracted that man. It could have been that some very good qualities were taken advantage of. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT !!!!!!!!!

 

[Knak]

For various reason I haven't said anything about something that happened today. Compared to a big part...

I have been in your place for most of my life and still fall back especially when someone doubts it like my husband. All my life I was taught it was my fault and I was responsible to figure it out and teach myself what I didn't know.

Nobody ever had my back so to speak until the last few years and I wasted most of my life believing everything destructive to me "was nothing" and those who say "get over it" were right to admonish me in my mind.

That can't be more wrong. It literally drives you crazy, like gas lighting. My husband is an expert at it and until I started threatening to run away he was in control of me, and could manipulate me whenever he wanted to. A classic narcissist who married an obvious victim.

I finally started to meet some women who believed me when I told them, because I couldn't stop crying. Some said nothing, just let me know they heard my pain. Others thought the treatment was outrageous and wanted me to take offensive action, but I still can't do that. I pray I can leave someday or that he will die.

I also had to leave my family (adult sisters) last fall due to being the scapegoat and realizing it won't end no matter what I say or how I change. The loss was devastating most of the year and exacerbated other instances of emotional abuse at church and being ignored by the pastor. My husband did not care because he wanted to teach. Only when they told him he couldn't teach anymore would he choose to leave the sick heirarchy, so I was able to escape the abuse.

If I was you and somebody did that to me I would freak out, literally. Now, thank God, I am able to put the blame in the right place and recognize abuse. I am surprised that things I wrote off as not that bad I now count as very damaging to me.

It was only because a few women were willing to care enough about me to let me know I was harmed. I have learned from resources that I was conditioned growing up to take and accept the abuse and had to call it normal to continue living. I had to blame myself. I had no choice and no information to let me know what love is in comparison.

Recently I heard from helpers of trauma victims, not to tell people who don't understand what we have, or about what happens, or try to make them understand. Unless you have been through it, you cannot understand and get misguided information that only confuses you more. Also much worse you get a lot of dismissal of the problems, like it's not important and doesn't really affect you. That is toxic and they say it so they feel superior or in control of their own lives.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I hope you can let go of the idea that there is something wrong with you that attracted that man

I'm sorry, but I can't. I still don't get it. The initial trauma was an obvious "how could anyone be so sick in the head to gain pleasure in acting that way (or whatever drove him) - or something like that" the blame was on him completely. I've just suffered the side effects of what happened. I don't blame myself for the most part.

This time, I'm devastated, feel violated and each day that goes by I feel more filthy and used than before. I do feel responsible in some way. There were so many women in the same room. It was completely crowded yet I was singled out. Does that mean that there was something about me that allowed for the initial rape? Yes, dots are connecting and memories are flooding in. I can't stop crying and vomit every time I try eat something. I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because I might dream it all over again. I already have.

I finally had a chance to journal it out and then showed it to my husband. He's a very logical person - but believed me when he read the entry. A huge relief. He was the only person I had told. To him, it's a no brainer to go back and file a report. Even better if the guy is there and I can confront him personally. What he doesn't get is the fear and responsibility that I feel about it. He's always been about logic. Never validating emotion. He wants me to write out a list of every detail I can remember. He got angry last evening after he got home last night when he asked if I'd done it and I hadn't.

I had texted my Therapist not long after it happened (same day) but not as a report. More of a what type of tool do I use to process an event and not an automatic thought. Despite his fishing for details, I wouldn't say. He read between the lines quite easily (as a trauma therapist), but I really did dodge every question. I followed up on Sunday about a comment he had made that was upsetting to me. It felt like he shut down at that point. I had pretty much argued everything he had asked or stated and I figured he was done. - guess I interpreted it wrong. After I had shown the entry to my husband (who agreed completely with the therapist) T texted in and told me to send him all journaling I had done. He said it and opened up triggers that I hadn't wanted or needed. He's never really been that way with me. Always a request or a please - something like that. I've been with him for this entire time and we had developed a strong trust relationship. I complied immediately and he wrote back very assertively that this is indeed sexual abuse, no doubt about it and we need to address it asap.

So I have an appointment tonight instead of next Thursday. I'm scared to go. He read the same entry that my husband read. He already has the background and knows me well enough to know my responses. My anxiety is off the charts right now.

I'm sorry to have made this so long. Wasn't my intention. Things are just starting to spiral and I don't know what to do. Sounds pretty naïve of me, but I didn't really connect it as being sexual since the man stopped at my belt. My husband made it clear that it was - as has my T in his way. I guess that's why I'm looking at it differently now than when I started this thread.

I'm just very upset and needed to vent.