Fear Of Surviving Another Violent Crime

[carharjo]

I have recently realized that most of my fears are not related to dying. Being a victim, a survivor of a school shooting, my fears have been ample and varied. Everything from small fears like not being able to find the exit, to medium ones like being stuck in a crowd to big fears like guns. When I trace the root of all of my fears, I have realized that a lot of them, especially the big ones, lead to the same place - surviving, not death.

I do not fear death. I have been faced with death, and I have come to the conclusion that if I die at any time, I can say that I lived a good life and that my soul will go on. I have come to terms with the possibility of dying. I no longer fear for my life... but rather what my life will be like if I survive. My PTSD has made my life a living hell and I know that if something else were to happen, it would only get worse.

I really hope that this is just another step in my recovery, another stage of coping, of healing, of the process. The fear, the constant nagging fears, complicate every part of my life. And it is exhausting. That is precisely what I fear: the continuation, the multiplication, the intensification of these fears that plague my life. Things are finally going really well for me since my trauma and that makes me fear it being jeopardized.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi @carharjo I delated your other thread. In the future if you make a mistake in the title, instead of posting a whole new thread, please just report your post and a staff member can come and fix it.

 

[carharjo]

Thank you! I wasn't sure how to do that.

 

[The Albatross]

Confused as your title suggests frailty yet you assert a profession of fearlessness of death. What do you connect to the survival of a perhaps near death experience? For me it is a trial. A testing of what I believe weighed against my experience. If you fear the intensification, multiplication or continuation of situations. You are being called to do things or entertain/access mental/emotional thoughts that will cause you to change or attempt to initiate change in any direction so as to invalidate the anxiety of repetition.

 

[The Albatross]

There is nothing wrong with coveting progress... we want to protect the newfound gain. But it is in the testing and the trials that will give flesh to the new perspective so to speak. If I am not tested, how will my view stack up, hold, or be be proven, ultimately to be beneficial?

Evidence based thinking can cement newfound connections. Experiences over-write old tapes.

 

[Deleted member 22607]

That is exactly how I feel as well.

I didn't survive a school shooting myself, but I did lose several friends to one and I also witnessed my best friend's little sister get shot. I've never feared dying - in fact, I would rather have died in my friends' place. But I don't want to be in that situation EVER again. I don't want that feeling of being trapped, of gambling for my life, and the trauma that comes afterwards, ever again. At this point, I would rather lose my life in a shooting than survive one, because then I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath.

I'm not quite sure what advice I can offer, but I wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with this fear.

 

[NightShadows]

I too was in a school shooting and know what you mean. I was just thinking about it today when looking at schools, wondering if it would happen again. I just couldn't bear it again. The depression has lessened but will probably never go away, along with the fear. I never thought about shootings before. Never. Now it's a sad reality for many more people. I'm afraid there will always be a fear, but we can learn to handle it rationally. The chances of it happening to the same person, I would think, is quite low, like getting struck by lightning twice, although it has happened, it is unlikely. We cannot live life in fear. I am not necessarily afraid of death either, but it's the survivor's guilt that is frightening. I'm often fine until something triggers me. No, things will not be normal. Yes, we will have nightmares of it happening again along with the triggers, but we must choose to make the best of it. Through good days and bad days.