Fear Of Touch Anyone?

[JustBe]

Well that's understandable, you're trying to protect yourself. When I was in middle school the other kids thought I was a snob because I avoided them but that was just my way of hiding from being hurt again.

 

[Privateer]

And if I might add, I'm glad you won.

Thankyou! So am I, usually! :D

 

[HëllaBubz]

OMG, just trying to read the last day's worth of post is doing my head in!!!

Suffice to say, yes Phoenix, it does take a long time, quite a long time, but if you are patient, and so is he, then it will slowly improve if you communicate even when it is painful.
And, I don't know if you understand me when I say this, but you mustn't allow yourself to be lazy, keep trying, if it feels a bit better, then that is fantastic, if it doesn't, well at least you have established a boundary for the time being.

It takes a long time to learn to disassociate certain events with trauma, but it will improve on time if you are willing to go the hard yards.

Anyway my dear, I've just gotten back from an arvo shift and had a shower, and my feet are threatening me with separation if I don't go and lie down, so I look forward to hearing from you all in the morning....(its 22:37hrs here in Melbourne).

xx

 

[wallflower]

This whole thread has been very fascinating and so familiar to me. I have always felt awkward hugging people and rarely let anyone close enough to be intimate. I don't like having my face touched either. I was just in Mexico for business and found it very difficult not to act startled and repulsed when someone I was meeting for the first time would lean in to kiss me on the cheek. I am just starting to date again after a bad marriage of 15 years, and I'm already dreading the thought of intimacy. Physically, I want intimacy, but the thought of letting someone that close scares me. I'll be watching this thread...

 

[txtrace]

Thanks Phoenix.

That is definitely a loop I get stuck in. My first T helped me see this idea. I have gotten into the habit of making myself get ready and go out, even if for just a short amount of time. You are right, it does help most days.

It was hard for a while to beat that loop because the T I was required to go to (he was the only one in this area of the state I live in who treated worker's comp patients) told me constantly how bad I looked when it came to my style of dress, hairstyle, etc. There were many other problems with that relationship so I'm now in search of a new T. Once I got away from that environment, I did start to feel better again on the days I got dressed and ready.

In the last week the nerve pain has gotten so bad that wearing pants or shorts causes a great deal of pain so I've been more isolated again. I go back to the Dr. at the end of this week to see if they can figure this out (and what a joy I'm sure that will be, ugh). Until then I am stuck in the loop again.

 

[HorseChick]

How do I get over this? I want to enjoy a realationship, but how can that happen with such a distaste towards touch? I know I'll never be a really cuddly person... but I'd like to at least enjoy the presence of another.

I have trouble with being touched on my bare skin without feeling nauseous and like I'm coming out of my skin, but I really do crave physical touch. This makes me feel so lonely, even though I have some loving family. I have to ask people not to touch me.

What I found that helps with my need for physical loving touch (not sex) is my dogs. They are so loving and non-judgmental. No matter how I treat them one day, they come back and let me hug them and pet them and scratch them and I know they are so happy to have me. I have a lab that likes to sit on my lap and would stay there all day if she could. My other lab wants to lick me all the time and that is a stressor but I just tell her NO and I pet her.

Even my therapist has a therapy dog in her office. When I do EMDR, the dog sits on the couch next to me with her head in my lap and I scratch her and play with her ears during the session. It really grounds me and helps with the anxiety that EMDR can bring up.

Even my horses give me joy. They are so funny. Hawk will follow me around and rest his head on my shoulder and look to see what I'm doing. He has his favorite spots I can rub on and he stretches out his head and curls his lip up and nods like he's saying "Yes, that's the spot" He also looks in my pockets for treats, and when I drive down next to his pasture, he will come to see me and put his head in the truck to play with the steering wheel. He also LOVES hugs. He was a therapy horse for children before I got him.

I hope this gives you some ideas. I'm so glad for your post because I forget that when I'm all worked up about something, loving the animals calms me down and fills that need for unconditional love, without the fear and bad physical sensations.

 

[BlueOrange]

And I've been keeping that in mind a lot lately. I've isolated myself for various reasons for a very long time, but I want to try to break myself away from that. It may sound ridiculous but I find it helpful to get dressed and ready to go out, even if I don't have anywhere to go. It's a small thing that makes me feel better about myself and when I do that I feel a little bit more up to going out. And by going out I mean just going to a movie theater or dinner with a friend. Nothing special, but a change of scenery really helps.

Heck sometimes I'll get all decked out just to go to Barnes and Noble and spend a day there by myself. And even though the only person I talked to all day was the cashier... it really helps ease the feeling of isolation for me. No one touched me or got near my personal space, but I still was "out there" in the world if you will.

Sounds really smart to me, it's the kind of practice I was hoping your therapist would help you develop when it comes to the hugs.

One step at a time, and testing boudaries with gentle experiements rather than trying to achieve everything all at once.

 

[99Phoenix99]

It took about 15 minutes to get back to feeling ok about being alone again...but in those 15 minutes I have never felt so alone.

Thanks for sharing Philippa (and sorry it took so long to get back to you)

I think what you explained is what I'm really having a hard time wrapping my mind around. All the mixed emotions are ... well it just plain sucks. It's like a tug of war and it's so exhausting. I've never felt so emotionally taxed before.

Despite that I really appreciate all you've messaged me, it's helped a great deal. I don't have that overwhelming feeling that I'm going crazy now that I've gotten a better understanding; especially in knowing I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. Slowly I think I'm getting a better grasp of all the implications of PTSD.

 

[99Phoenix99]

OMG, just trying to read the last day's worth of post is doing my head in!!!

Ahahha yeaaaa I can be a downright Chatty Cathy at times :P

And, I don't know if you understand me when I say this, but you mustn't allow yourself to be lazy, keep trying, if it feels a bit better, then that is fantastic, if it doesn't, well at least you have established a boundary for the time being.

It takes a long time to learn to disassociate certain events with trauma, but it will improve on time if you are willing to go the hard yards.

I think I know what you mean about not being lazy about this. The past week (which is why I haven't been able to reply until now) was really bad flashback/disassociation wise, it was nearly crippling. So all week I just worked on some breathing and grounding exercises. That and I found a handy little APP on my phone which helps a great deal because it coaches you to try new exercises. Anyhow, long story short after that hellish week I do feel better and more in control. A little proud even.

I just hope that lasts lol

Thanks for all your messages. It really helps.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I don't like having my face touched either. I was just in Mexico for business and found it very difficult not to act startled and repulsed when someone I was meeting for the first time would lean in to kiss me on the cheek.

Wallflower, just reading that made me flinch. Reminds me of all the times my older relatives grab my face to kiss my cheek. It takes all I have to clench my teeth and bear it without flinging myself away from them.

As for dating; I really wish you the best. I found out the hard way I needed to start smaller, hopefully I can work myself to the point where I can accept that kind of affection and attention. I've avoided both for years so it's a difficult transition for me right now, even just admitting that is a big deal for me. Because of my health, I was told I was going to die on various occassions so at the time I accepted the fact. To be perfectly honest, being told that made me have no desire to even initiate a damn thing relationship wise anyhow.

 

[2narcissa]

Is that a major factor for anyone else? Being afraid of touch?

I never realized how profoundly that affected me until I recently started dating.

Hey sweetheart, yes.

I am just like you, it started a very long time ago I was very young, I could not STAND for anyone male/female to have there bare feet touch my feet or body. I would cringe and feel shock waves through my body. Now that I've gotten older I cant stand people touching me.

It is so hard to find a man I can be intimate with, even when I was married, I was very detached, If my partner attempted to give me oral sex, I felt lighting bolts shoot through my body, like daggers. I'm not trying to be foul in telling you this, but maybe it will help you. Your not crazy.

I have a theory why this happens, I feel that certain people (ones who have experienced trauma) are hyper sensitive to peoples energy and spirit, almost like a sixth sense. You can read people.

When we come across an entity that is sickeningly sweet or too loud we absorb all that, and it makes us uneasy.

I think you would benefit from finding a woman who is calm and patient, I know it's hard to find now a days! Take thing's slow, when you are ready to be intimate with someone, make sure you feel comfortable around her, I know I'm a woman, I don't understand how men think when it comes to that, but we are all human, and I believe there is a soul mate for everyone. When you find each other you will know, and it will be so natural and easy for you, and instead of pain, you will feel content.

I don't date, I know what you are going through when you say you "jumped" into the dating pool. Don't torture yourself by going out to bars or clubs, why not try playing golf or even at the grocery store is better!

I want you to know , this world still has kind hearted people in it and I'm one of them, it will get better, I promise. Just relax your mind, and think of good pleasant times you've had,your triumph's in life , and reinvent yourself.

Watch your "I am's" ,how do you know you'll never be a cuddly person? never tell your self negative ("I am's) your subconscious starts' believing what ever you tell your self.

If you meet the right woman, and tell her your fears, she will wait for you to want to hug her,she will love you soooo much that just you being in her presence will feel like a hug. Don't give up hope! You are young, try to enjoy these years, before there gone.

To the regular people that feel it's OK to just invade your space by grabbing you and hugging on you, politely take a step back with a warm smile and put both arm's to your side or cross both arm's, I've studied body language, and this work's well, without offending anyone most of the time.

I hope you get better.I can really relate to you.take care darling.Let's make our mask easy on the eye's as we grow old!: )
"He wears a mask ,and his face grows to fit it"
~George Orwell

 

[99Phoenix99]

It was hard for a while to beat that loop because the T I was required to go to (he was the only one in this area of the state I live in who treated worker's comp patients) told me constantly how bad I looked when it came to my style of dress, hairstyle, etc.

That's terrible. I'm glad you're looking for a new T. There's nothing worse than trying to find a T to trust only to have them spite you. I had one that I tried opening up to only to have him tell me "If you're going to cry we might as well stop meeting until you can control yourself". It was such a sucker punch because that's what I wanted/needed help with. Good luck in your search! You definitely deserve better than that! [/quote]

In the last week the nerve pain has gotten so bad that wearing pants or shorts causes a great deal of pain so I've been more isolated again.

Ugh. The waiting game. Ugh that sucks and is near impossible to do anything other than wait. I hope they've managed to isolate the issue and treat it by now?