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Jbomb
I dated a fearful avoidant for 7 months which started casual and became a situationship. He never wanted a relationship obviously due to his past and how his past relationships ended but it progressed between us and we began to be together daily and I even met his children. Our connection was undeniable and strong. He became my best friend. I never pressured him for more and always allowed him to be be him.
At the 6 month mark, a few times I’d show up (more quietly than usual) and try to communicate with him (I was quiet to process and communicate properly) which he’d say triggered his ptsd and he’d pull back and hold a grudge & tell me not to do it again. He warned me if it continued he’d leave. The last time, we experienced a threesome where I was a bit distant & quiet (I just wasn’t into it) and he got triggered again and bailed on our situation. I have since reached out a couple times (in a month) and sent him a anonymous gift on vday (which he placed to me and got very angry and told me to stop contacting him) where he has said he’s not angry, but wants nothing to do with me ever again (feels hostile to me) and that I don’t get it, but I trigger his ptsd and to leave him be. I never quite knew what triggered it and how I was showing up that triggered him so I didn’t quite know what to change or how to approach him. I think it was just a change in my demeanor that somehow reminded him of his past abuse (violent abusive father and very young codependent mother). He was also a cop which I think aided and further fueled his ptsd.
I guess I just wonder is this it? Will his disassociation and fight or flight calm someday? Will he ever see I’m not to villain nor intended to hurt him? Or maybe he will but be resolute in his decision that I’m no good for him. He definitely has some symptoms of bpd (believe he idealized me - even called me a unicorn- then devalued me and his demonizing me feels very bpd like) and can see clearly his somatic and avoidant reactions to the stress he felt. He smokes a lot of pot and has lots of casual relationships w women but don’t think he expected to meet someone he liked like me . He said he used to have more tolerance for this kind of behavior or stress (assuming from past girlfriends) but has since decided that he doesn’t want that in his life. I get that.
I do see he keeps in touch w exes so I have hope there that someday he will return. I just didn’t really do anything wrong. I just didn’t get it and his failure to communicate specifics caused it to happen again. I know that he is triggered and I did not cause it. Some of my last response to him were a bit more firm and even one not so happy but others I have told him I’m understand and love him and I’m always here.
Does anyone have experience w this behavior of his and do you just move on and cut contact or do you return when you see I’m not the devil and did everything I could to be there for him? How long does the trigger and anger last? I feel like I’d been split by him (like a bpd would do) currently. I’m just this devil even tho he says he’s not mad. Will he ever miss me or just repress my memory w weed and women and doesn’t even have any good thoughts about me and never will again? I’m just confused and sad and want to reach out and tell him I get it now. As I do get it more than I did. And I’m here. But he has asked for no contact so I know I must respect that.
I’m just be wildered and while I’m working on me wonder if there is any hope of reconciliation, if even just as friends.
At the 6 month mark, a few times I’d show up (more quietly than usual) and try to communicate with him (I was quiet to process and communicate properly) which he’d say triggered his ptsd and he’d pull back and hold a grudge & tell me not to do it again. He warned me if it continued he’d leave. The last time, we experienced a threesome where I was a bit distant & quiet (I just wasn’t into it) and he got triggered again and bailed on our situation. I have since reached out a couple times (in a month) and sent him a anonymous gift on vday (which he placed to me and got very angry and told me to stop contacting him) where he has said he’s not angry, but wants nothing to do with me ever again (feels hostile to me) and that I don’t get it, but I trigger his ptsd and to leave him be. I never quite knew what triggered it and how I was showing up that triggered him so I didn’t quite know what to change or how to approach him. I think it was just a change in my demeanor that somehow reminded him of his past abuse (violent abusive father and very young codependent mother). He was also a cop which I think aided and further fueled his ptsd.
I guess I just wonder is this it? Will his disassociation and fight or flight calm someday? Will he ever see I’m not to villain nor intended to hurt him? Or maybe he will but be resolute in his decision that I’m no good for him. He definitely has some symptoms of bpd (believe he idealized me - even called me a unicorn- then devalued me and his demonizing me feels very bpd like) and can see clearly his somatic and avoidant reactions to the stress he felt. He smokes a lot of pot and has lots of casual relationships w women but don’t think he expected to meet someone he liked like me . He said he used to have more tolerance for this kind of behavior or stress (assuming from past girlfriends) but has since decided that he doesn’t want that in his life. I get that.
I do see he keeps in touch w exes so I have hope there that someday he will return. I just didn’t really do anything wrong. I just didn’t get it and his failure to communicate specifics caused it to happen again. I know that he is triggered and I did not cause it. Some of my last response to him were a bit more firm and even one not so happy but others I have told him I’m understand and love him and I’m always here.
Does anyone have experience w this behavior of his and do you just move on and cut contact or do you return when you see I’m not the devil and did everything I could to be there for him? How long does the trigger and anger last? I feel like I’d been split by him (like a bpd would do) currently. I’m just this devil even tho he says he’s not mad. Will he ever miss me or just repress my memory w weed and women and doesn’t even have any good thoughts about me and never will again? I’m just confused and sad and want to reach out and tell him I get it now. As I do get it more than I did. And I’m here. But he has asked for no contact so I know I must respect that.
I’m just be wildered and while I’m working on me wonder if there is any hope of reconciliation, if even just as friends.