Candlelight
New Here
I've been having a really tough time the last few weeks with being triggered, until therapy last week where I began to feel peaceful again. It was a great, productive week and I felt so happy. The issue started on Friday night, with me wanting some initiate time with my partner. I said I was going to bed around midnight and he decided to stay up until 3am playing something. I was bothered, by figured he might just need to unwind after work. He's not really a sexual person at all, so unless the conditions are just right I know not to ask. Usually, I don't outright ask because it stresses him out, and we've slept together once this month.
So Saturday morning, I woke up earlier than him, still a bit irritated, because I knew he wouldn't be up for hours and I ended up having to clean the kitchen myself. I calmed myself down, called some friends, them we went for a nice walk in the afternoon. I finally felt like my serenity was coming back. Then he took a nap and I was supposed to be doing yet another Zoom call. He'd woken up and I was deciding if I wanted to go. Suddenly I got hit with the feeling of not being able to breathe, or swallow, or speak. I managed to ground myself before it spiralled, and normally would try analyse what caused it but let it go. I thought it was over.
He asked if I wanted to just watch a film together, so I made dinner and we did. We also drunk some alcohol which I don't often do. It was about 9pm once it finished, and I was feeling a bit uninhibited, so decided to try initiate sex again. I thought I was doing it out wanting to be close, not as a result of the irritation and being triggered, but it's hard to tell when I'm drinking. He turned me down and I just ended up having a meltdown. I feel awful today, because I feel like I've ruined the weekend, and I've ruined the good week, and that he only sees me as this unstable person who cannot control an urge he never feels.
I've known for years that he doesn't need sex. He doesn't appreciate what (healthy) sex means to me. Yet I can't get over the rejection. Not even an offer to take of me, just an outright no. It hurts anyway, but to have all the negative thoughts of "not being enough, not doing my job properly" from my trauma, I can't deal with it. I got angry, which I rarely do, and tried to self harm which I've not done for a while. I'm scared that he's associated me wanting sex with me being triggered and he uses it as a reason not to meet my needs just because he doesn't have the same ones. I'm so tired of trying to lean into the trauma therapy and experience all this to get better, just for it not to make one bit of difference in my relationship. I hate feeling like I'm always trying to win people's affection, that it can't just be freely given to me. I can't keep looking after someone else and putting my needs aside, and being judged for having them. I'm just fed up and don't know where to go from here. I'm upset at the situation, upset that I've used up my weekend on this, upset that he never seems to get it.
So Saturday morning, I woke up earlier than him, still a bit irritated, because I knew he wouldn't be up for hours and I ended up having to clean the kitchen myself. I calmed myself down, called some friends, them we went for a nice walk in the afternoon. I finally felt like my serenity was coming back. Then he took a nap and I was supposed to be doing yet another Zoom call. He'd woken up and I was deciding if I wanted to go. Suddenly I got hit with the feeling of not being able to breathe, or swallow, or speak. I managed to ground myself before it spiralled, and normally would try analyse what caused it but let it go. I thought it was over.
He asked if I wanted to just watch a film together, so I made dinner and we did. We also drunk some alcohol which I don't often do. It was about 9pm once it finished, and I was feeling a bit uninhibited, so decided to try initiate sex again. I thought I was doing it out wanting to be close, not as a result of the irritation and being triggered, but it's hard to tell when I'm drinking. He turned me down and I just ended up having a meltdown. I feel awful today, because I feel like I've ruined the weekend, and I've ruined the good week, and that he only sees me as this unstable person who cannot control an urge he never feels.
I've known for years that he doesn't need sex. He doesn't appreciate what (healthy) sex means to me. Yet I can't get over the rejection. Not even an offer to take of me, just an outright no. It hurts anyway, but to have all the negative thoughts of "not being enough, not doing my job properly" from my trauma, I can't deal with it. I got angry, which I rarely do, and tried to self harm which I've not done for a while. I'm scared that he's associated me wanting sex with me being triggered and he uses it as a reason not to meet my needs just because he doesn't have the same ones. I'm so tired of trying to lean into the trauma therapy and experience all this to get better, just for it not to make one bit of difference in my relationship. I hate feeling like I'm always trying to win people's affection, that it can't just be freely given to me. I can't keep looking after someone else and putting my needs aside, and being judged for having them. I'm just fed up and don't know where to go from here. I'm upset at the situation, upset that I've used up my weekend on this, upset that he never seems to get it.