Feeling Anxious & Like I'm Stuck :c

[Lauren Elizabeth]

Okay...so basically, I've been having really bad anxiety attacks, self-injury problems & depression problems. I'm 99% sure it's linked to the sexual abuse I went through around age 5 but the thing is, I can't recall my abuser's identity, and it's been making me feel stuck & very anxious. I still have all the memories and it hurts so bad...I'm just so scared.

My parent's have no clue, but I would like to tell them...but I'm scared and feel so empty. I'll be in the middle of class, or around other people and start panicking, hearing or seeing things.

Like just this morning, I crossed the train tracks and started hearing train sounds, and on down the road started seeing shadows, and started freaking out. and like a few weeks ago, my friend was all up and touching my legs and playing around. and it really freaked me out, I started panicking and went into survival mode kicking and raising my voice to stop when he was touching my legs I felt like I was back in that room with him again....

I don't know anymore....there's so many other troubling things going on but I'm not going to list them off...I just feel so anxious and gross...and so disappointed in my self.

~Thanks for reading xoxo Lauren c:

 

[jd9900]

Hi Lauren,

i want you to know you're not alone here - there are many of us with those same feelings. I was shocked at how many people here could relate to the feelings you expressed above. As such I have found this site really helpful, I hope you do as well.

If you are not seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend you look into one that has a focus on PTSD and possibly even one that focuses on your particular type of abuse as (sadly) it is not as uncommon as one might think.

You're not gross. And I hope you try hard not to be disappointed in yourself. Just this post alone shows you are trying to work through this; you don't want to live like this. Considering how paralyzing PTSD can be, sometimes just getting out of bed is a victory. I know it is frustrating to look at things like eating or taking a shower as successes, but they really are if just yesterday you couldn't.

I try to tread very gently on this next issue - talking to your parents. That really comes down to the relationship you have with them. I'm not advocating keeping things from them if you feel they will be supportive and willing to help. Unfortunately I have seen parents instinctively recoil, go into denial, misplace blame...basically make the situation worse, because they too don't understand.

Regardless, there is courage in sharing. So if you decide to talk to them, no matter how the conversation goes, appreciate that you did a very brave thing and nothing can take that away from you.

Thanks for being willing to talk about this. Even if you don't realize it, your willingness to post is likely going to help someone else realize they aren't alone either. See? You're already racking up successes today. :)

 

[RussH]

hi Lauren,
Welcome to the forum. You will find many here that understand how you feel, and will be able to emphatize with your situation. You said your parents do not know what happened to you. Well, speaking as a father who learned his daughter was sexually molested when she was eight, you should talk with your parents. I think it would give them an opportunity to do what parents do- love you. it would help you to not be alone. They may also be able to help you remember who the molester is, and how he managed to take advantage of you.

Lauren you also said you feel gross and disappointed in yourself. These feelings are a result of your being molested, so please don't feel you are gross because you are not. You are a victim, and at five years old there is no way you could defend yourself. The same is true about being disappointed in yourself; why? Because you did nothing to stop it? Honey you were five; there is nothing you could have done to stop it. You were, and still are, an innocent victim. Please do no berate yourself over something you had no control over.

Do as others suggested- start seeing a good therapist, so you can start the healing process. And on the hard days, the bad days, please feel free to come here and vent. We have big sholders for you to cry on here on the forum.

 

[Lauren Elizabeth]

Thank you guys so much. honestly, It really means a lot.

with the therapy, my parents said they were going to look into it but they haven't yet, and i'm hoping they will soon. I plan to try to tell them about the abuse tomorrow....I just need to find the courage. It really scares me, thinking about who it could be...I'm scared that it could be a family member, or someone I was/am close too...

RussH, I'm disappointed in myself for yes, all of the reasons you listed above and more. I feel this way also because I let it get too me so much and distance myself from the people who care about me from time to time because of frustration...

And as for talking to my parents, well...My relationship with them's getting better, but it's not the best, nor are we the closest. But, like I said, it's getting better. I'm just so scared on how they might react because with my parents...I just never know.

But thank you guys so much, it really means a lot, and I feel better. Again, thank you all. :)

 

[Tolkienian]

Lauren, I just want you to know that I was literally in the EXACT same place you are in now about two years ago. Self harm, depression, anxiety, intrusive memories, panic attacks... (and suicidal ideation and dissociation too! No fun.) And I was freaking out about whether to tell my parents.

I can't give you advice whether or not to tell them--I don't know you or your parents--but I can tell you that telling mine was one of the most difficult and most necessary things I've ever done. The two things that gave me the impetus to tell were 1) the fear that someone else in my family was at risk and 2) getting really really angry with my parents about something unrelated. That let me overcome my fear. I still threw up beforehand though. They've been incredibly supportive, even when all they can say is, "I don't know how to help you, but I still love you and want you to get better." They've been able to help me arrange therapy.

If you do decide to tell them, I'd recommend writing out beforehand what you plan to say, to help with the jitters and to make sure you get everything out that you need to. I also don't think you need to tell them the whole story, especially not all at once. (I still haven't told them anything more than, "I was molested by _____"). If you want, you can also tell your parents what a helpful response would be right then, and what a long-term helpful response would look like.

If you decide not to tell them, or if therapy doesn't work out as soon as you would like, then I'd recommend the book "The Courage to Heal." It's massive (my nickname for it is the Tan Brick), and it's incredibly incredibly helpful for specific self-care techniques, for understanding how you're feeling (which IS a result of what happened to you, not a result of the wonderful person you are), and for feeling less alone.

Either way, I'm sending good thoughts your way. I'm doing much better now and am well on my healing journey, even though it's still not easy. I just want to tell you that things DO get better--you won't always feel this way, and if you're anything like me, you'll discover that you're not nearly as gross as you thought you were.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Lauren Elizabeth That first step in getting help is hard but it's worth it. I hope it all goes well for you.

Take care. :)

 

[macca]

Hi Lauren, I've considered the same thing, for similar reasons. I've just been diagnosed in the last couple of months due to a full-blown outbreak of symptoms, and though my parents live 2 hours away, they guess that something is wrong, but they don't know what. I suspect a similar incident to yours, though I don't have a memory of it, only flashbacks. I don't know who, though I'm sure it wasn't my immediate family. I never wanted to tell anyone anything, but once I disclosed the flashbacks and stuff to my T, I had panic attacks and even worse flashbacks. It made me want to tell my parents and brothers, to try and take the panic out of it due to telling. I thought if I told them, the intense fear of telling might reduce. Trouble is, my family had always minimised and denied other significant stuff that had happened to me, and I feared them doing the same now.

So what I did was I considered them each in turn, and what their reactions might be. Though I wanted to tell my parents, as they guessed that I haven't been right, I have not told them. Dad is currently getting cancer treatment, so they don't need any extra stress. Though they minimised my stuff, I don't think they knew any other way, due to the stuff the family went through, and their own upbringings. Of my brothers, my youngest (though still older than me) has always been the closest, and he also has spent time in the army, and knows about PTSD. I knew he himself would have support even if I asked him to tell nobody else as yet, except his wife, who experienced domestic violence in a previous relationship. I knew she would also understand. So I took a big risk, and told him (not in detail though) and had a meltdown from doing so, but he said he believed me, which was the single most important thing to me at the time.

I haven't brought myself to tell anyone else in the family, but that seemed enough to reduce the intensity and frequency of the flashbacks at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is - think carefully about the reaction you are likely to get from them. Will it be supportive, or denial, or something else? How have they previously responded to you? Think about how that response might in turn affect you and your symptoms. If you think it may not be a helpful response, is there someone else you can tell that might be more supportive, that might alleviate that fear and urge to tell?

I have found that this forum is a safe place to talk to others. If you don't have a therapist yet, then that's a great idea too.

 

[RussH]

RussH, I'm disappointed in myself for yes, all of the reasons you listed above and more. I feel this way also because I let it get too me so much and distance myself from the people who care about me from time to time because of frustration...

Lauren I am quoting this so you will know what I am referencing. You let it get to you because of the trauma you suffered. This is all long-term effects of abuse, so don't blame yourself, or be disappointed in yourself.

I, for fourty years, have been disappointed in my inability to overcome the trauma of my past. I did not understand the feelings of worthlessness, inability to defend myself, feelings of low self-esteem, nor did I understand why I would react with inappropriate emotion to certain situations, until recently. I just learned these last two months that all of these feeling and reactions are a result of the trauma I suffered. I also know it is not my fault and I am not weak or defenseless. It is because my brain was trained to think and feel this way. I am now undergoing therapy to retrain my brain.

As far as your parents; I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, but I do know they love you. When you talk with them be assertative about having them get you into therapy.

Feel free to contact me any time if you need to talk. Blessings to you, and get well.