Sexual Assault Feeling At Fault After Being Raped At A Party.

[Starlite]

So I am new to this site and not sure how this really works but I am going to give it a try.

A little over a week ago I went to birthday party with my girlfriend. It was one of her co-workers birthday and she wanted everybody to get together at her house for some cocktails and fun. It was fun in the beginning. Everyone was drinking, dancing and having a good time. After a few drinks I went outside to smoke a cigarette. My girlfriend followed so she can keep me company. Somehow during our conversation the topic had changed and her and I were arguing. As of today I can't quiet remember what it was we were fighting about. The next thing I knew I was throwing my cigarette butt on the ground and headed for the house. I went straight to the kitchen for another drink. I drank so much and started feeling a little unstable so I decided to try and find my girlfriend to see if she was ready to leave. I couldn't find her anywhere. So I started to ask people if t hey new where Erica (my girlfriend) was. Most of the people said no they hadn't seen her in a while. Until a guy came up to me and said, " I know where she is. she's upstairs laying down in one of the rooms because she had a headache. He led the way and I followed. we went up the stairs ( I struggling to keep my balance) and went around a corner to a dark bedroom. He let me go in first. I stepped into the room and went straight to the bed where I thought she would be. Come to find out she wasn't there. Nobody was there. Or so I thought. As I turned around to ask him where she was the bedroom door closed and was locked. I tried to get to the door so I can leave the room but I was stopped and thrown on the bed. The guy who led me to the room was now sitting on top of me and straddling my chest. I began to ask him what he was doing when I realized someone else was trying to pull my pants off. I tried to move but I couldn't. I started to panic and started to scream than a hand was placed over my mouth and partially over my nose. I couldn't breathe. My pants were off, my panties were off and I knew what was going to happen. That's when the rape began. I struggled to get some air. I started to feel really sleepy. The next thing I knew I awoke to being completely naked sprawled out on the bed. I got up and turned on the light to search for my clothes. I found them, got dressed a ran out of the room. I went down the stairs and headed straight outside. I found a ride home and didn't say a word to anyone about this. Now I can't eat, sleep or even think straight. I don't know how many guys were in that room and I'm not sure what they did to me. I did have allot of bruises to follow the next couple of days and I was in a good amount of discomfort. I keep having nightmares about the incident. I knew I shouldn't have drank so much. If I wouldn't have gotten that drunk this would've never happened.

 

[bell]

Unfortunately, this could have happened if you were sober, too; therefore, you didn't get raped because you were drunk, you were raped because someone wanted to harm you. The only thing that being drunk did was lower your defenses, the action did not cause the rape. Therefore, you did not cause the rape. Bad people caused the rape.

I seriously suggest going to talk to a professional about this, as if you don't, it could turn into full-blown PTSD, which you don't want.

Therefore, if you're at university, go to the student center and talk to someone. If you're out of university and not currently in therapy, check your insurance and make an appointment within the guidelines of your insurance carrier. Call a rape crisis hotline and/or talk to a trusted mentor, friend or family member about what happened if you need to talk about it before the appointment.

I know it sucks and I know you blame yourself, but it is not your fault. Even though you were drunk, that doesn't give anyone the right to harm you. One action didn't cause the other.

 

[Momofthree]

First I want to say I am so, so, so very sorry that this happened to you. Second I would like to say that I am filled with rage at the men who did this too you. And Third I want to say that this is not in anyway your fault. So you had a few too many drinks, does that mean you deserve this? Hell no! You were not the only person at the party who had a few too many drinks and no one ever deserves to be raped no matter what they do! The only people at fault are the rapists who decided to rape. You need help, believe me the last thing you want is for this to turn into PTSD and haunt you for your whole life. You need help to work through this and there is help for you out there.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear Starlite, I am so very sorry for what those monsters did to you. There is no excuse whatsoever for what they did and you are not at fault at all! Like @bell said, you would have been raped regardless of how much you had drunk. The fact thatyou were lured to the room under the pretense of your friend being there, suggests planning and complete awareness of what they were doing. Same goes for cutting off your air supply.

Again I am so sorry this happened to you. It makes me so angry that there are still so many people who do these horrible things. And drunk or not, nobody had the right to rape you. Same goes for the way you dress, whether or not you smiled at a guy, heck, even if you were a prostitute they would not have been allowed to force themselves on you!! There is no excuse for what they did.

Please believe me when we say that this was NOT your fault. You need help and you deserve it. Do you think you can approach a therapist on your own? Or maybe you'd prefer to talk to someone you know and trust first. A visit to your doctor will probably be best, too. To check for STDs and to refer you to a therapist.

You are not alone in this fight. You can read a lot of stories on this forum from people who have been through the same thing. It can happen to anyone and social support is one of the most important components of your healing process.

If you ever want to talk about this or anything else, don't hesitate to send me a message. If it's okay with you, I'd like to send you a big virtual hug :hug: .

 

[anthony]

I'm so sorry to hear this @Starlite. The pair of them should have their testicles cut off, no doubt about it. Whilst you went and got super drunk, you own that, and that only. You went looking for your friend and the guy deceived you into an isolated location and raped you. Being drunk adds risk to these things happening, sure, but your fault stops at getting drunk. The rapists fault starts when he deceived you into an isolated location, locked you in, pinned you down, and then raped you with his friend. Both of them own the act of raping you, you are the victim. A crowded party of adults should be fairly risk free against something like this happening, so getting drunk within those boundaries is quite a low risk score. If it was a teenage college party, then the risk would be much higher for a female in that instance.

You are the victim here, and these guys should be left without a dick or testicles. Simple as that.

 

[RussH]

This was not your fault; the males who did this are completely at fault. Did you notice I said males? That is because a man, or men would not do this.
Now, another question: is it possible you were drugged?

 

[Starlite]

I thank everyone for their support. I am a 32 year old woman although i may not look like it at times. I was at an adult party but most of the people at this party wer in their 20's. My girlfriend is 27 and most of her coworkers are around the same age. I know to a point that this wasn't my fault but there is still a part of me that feels like it is. I am also a victim of previous sexual abuse. Since i was a little girl so this feeling is almost natural to me. And for being drugged i'm not sure. The nightmares are the worst and now having them I'm remembering more. I was out conciously but my subconcious was still awake. In my dreams i can hear them. I can hear 3 different voices. So i beleive there was 3 of them. I can't get their voices out of my head.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm really sorry, @Starlite. Please remember: it's not your fault that someone else commits a crime. Thinking that it never would have happened if you hadn't been drinking - well, honestly, the odds are that it would have. And the last time I checked, getting drunk at a party wasn't a criminal act of violence. Being at a party isn't a crime. What they did to you is criminal. It's illegal, immoral, and sits entirely on their shoulders.

And yes, it's 100% natural to feel like it's your fault; I don't think anyone who has been raped avoids this feeling. The self-blame is the only way to imagine a world in which it didn't happen. It all comes down to thinking, "if I hadn't (fill-in-the-blank), I never would have experienced this horrible thing."

Please consider reaching out for some help, even more so because of the abuse in your past. You need a space where you can verbalize what you are now going through with someone who is trained to help you process it. And I'm glad you are here on the forum, too.

 

[Friday]

. If I wouldn't have gotten that drunk this would've never happened.

@Starlite ... I'm a combat trained United States Marine... And I've been raped. More than once. Sober, drunk, gorgeous, hideous, young, old, alert, oblivious: simply doesn't matter. Anyone can be overpowered. Much as we'd all like to believe we're bulletproof and invisible, we're not. Or that there is some magic combo of do this and this will happen, don't do that and that won't happen, there isn't. No matter how big, bad, and scary you are; no matter how clever, cunning, and cautious you are; anyone can be gotten to. Skill or numbers or surprise. That's all it takes. Just one of those. And they had all 3.

Straight up, I like to make things my fault, because I believe 'If it's my fault, I can fix it'. That's not true, from start to finish, but it's why I do it. Defense Mechanism + Control Issues run amok. In reality, I can only fix some things that are my fault, and I can only influence other people to a certain extent (Aka whatever extent they're willing to let me influence them), and some things that are not my fault I can fix. Our brains don't like shades of grey. They like black and white, cause and effect, safe v unsafe. Life just isn't that simple most of the time. It's all messy and complicated. And it's messy and complicated enough without assuming God-Mode and taking the blame for the evil others do.

If you hadn't have been drunk I could list out 40 ways off the top of my head the exact same thing could have happened. And in none of those eventualities is it anyone's fault but the person doing it.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's not your fault. At all. Getting wasted in what you thought was a safe setting doesn't make you at fault. The same thing happened to me. I was surrounded by friends I had known and trusted for 15 years. It can happen to anyone, under any circumstances.

I don't really know what to tell you to do, but I'll echo what the others have said. Try and get to a counselor as soon as you can, use the resources out there; rape crisis lines and RAINN. Go see a doctor. Whatever you do, don't just keep this to yourself. It won't just go away if you try and ignore it.

You might want to speak to the police (though that's a hard step to take). It's a rough choice, especially at this point when you're all confused and freaked out. I know in my case I didn't, and really wish now that I did.

(((((((((((((Starlite))))))))))))