Feeling broken beyond repair...

[random97]

Hello. I don't usually post on any sort of forums/chats/social-media etc.(possibly because of my co-morbid AvPD), but right now I feel so low that I really need any sort of support. I honestly don't know how I am going to keep on living.
I just feel like no amount of therapy is going to undo the damage that my abusive upbringing has done. No matter how many times I say it's not true, I can't stop thinking that I am just the hopeless failure my father always told me that I am. And speaking of my father, I can't get his words out of my head...always telling me he would be so much happier if I just had the guts to kill myself. It's hard to believe that I am any good when all I ever heard is how much of a waste of space I am. It's hard to feel safe when even the way I exhaled made my father snap and beat me up growing up.
I feel like I am doomed. I feel like I won't experience any sort of joy, ever...

 

[Kubash16]

I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am! :hug:’s and . You are worth it, you are valuable, you are loved.

 

[Friday]

Broken things can be useful. Disco balls, flint knives, & stained glass windows -and countless other gorgeous, fun, life altering things- all all broken things. Someone has just taken all the broken pieces and fit them together in inspired ways.

Shrug. It’s less minding that I’m broken, it’s more needing duct tape.

 

[Rani G2]

Shrug. It’s less minding that I’m broken, it’s more needing duct tape.

As always, @Friday 'swords are worth writing down.
Whats the philosophy behind this??☺

 

[PreciousChild]

And speaking of my father, I can't get his words out of my head...always telling me he would be so much happier if I just had the guts to kill myself.

It's pretty awful to feel the way you're feeling now. I think there is a ray of hope in the fact that you recognize where the feeling is coming from, and that your feelings of worthlessness are not really from you. I wanted to respond to this quote. I think knowing that a parent wishes you were dead is absolutely devastating. When I attempted suicide, my mom discovered me and she basically told me I better not mess up and leave her further burdened with a vegetable. Even a stranger would have tried to keep me alive. I can never quite get over the betrayal at a time that I thought, like you, I was a waste of space, and even worse, someone who negates everything around me. Ironically, not wanting to further burden my family was probably what let me pause long enough to rethink what I was doing and seek help. I personally believe that there is an intact self in everyone that can be recovered. I feel I've come a long way in that. I hope you find your way because you deserve better than what your dad gave you.