Feeling Child-Like After Exposure Therapy

[Awakening]

Well the good news is after two years of therapy I have finally started talking about the SA I experienced as a young child.

I should point out that during that two years we have been working through other traumas/stressful events/behaviours but this one was the biggie. The one I kept saying I will never be able to do.

Months ago my therapist had set me a task to 'free associate' and write down whatever I could remember about the perpretrator - any events, clothes, house, my feelings anything at all however small. Well I always claimed I can't remember anything but filled 4 A4 pages.:rolleyes:

Been avoiding reading it out. But I started it. I had my therapist sit really close to me. She was concerned about invading my personal space, but I felt that my perp was IN my personal space so she needed to get in there too.

So during this session I felt a very strong desire to be as physically close to her as I could. This desire hasn't stopped since the session (24 hours ago).

My question is what to do about it. Will it simply pass? At the moment I feel very child-like and want to be close to my therapist - I literally want to cling to her. The anxiety is around being left with him, now that she is not in my space and also that she has this information and I don't know where she is - I need to see her (and the information?).

My therapist has spoken about me being the parent to her (the child). So I try with nice things, being patient with myself etc but the child doesn't really trust me, very very cautious of me. I know that's strange when they are both technically me but it's the best I can explain.

Whenever the child expresses a desire for my therapist - I want T now etc or I want my Mum etc, I say we'll I'm here now so I will look after you and you will see T on x date. But the child just throws a tantrum and screams louder I don't want you I want her.

I have a strong desire to ring my therapist and check that she is still there and that she is okay and that I'm okay, but really I want to do this for myself.

Am I making any sense? Can anyone relate? I don't really understand what is going on behind the clingy behaviour.

 

[kers]

I find that when I am really depending on my counseling--when we are digging at hard stuff, or when I need a lot of support--that I think about my counselor a lot more, just wishing I was in session again. I think it's a natural desire to want to be with someone who helps us feel safe.

Good on you for tackling this, Awakening. I know it's hard, but it's worth it to get it all out of your head. It's difficult, but it subsides.

 

[kmm]

I can definitely relate to this! Oh my goodness can I! The last therapist I saw, before we moved, it scared me to death because I felt so needy & clingy & child-like! She had me do an exercise where I wrote out a portion of what the trauma was like for me, then she had me read it out loud to her. I thought I would implode from doing this - and very much wanted her close to me during the process as well. For me, I wanted her close because one fo the most difficult things for me to deal with has been feeling so alone and so invisible during the traumas I've experienced. More, though, I needed her close to feel safe. I don;t know that what she was able to offer by being close is something I can actually give myself? I know that's kind of the end goal, but for me, it almost feels like I have to get there through contact with others.....like, before I can care for myself that way, I need to experience that kind of caring? Also, my last therapist seemed to really get and understand what I was going through. She was actually willing to hold me while I just completely crumbled & fell apart after the exercise and she verbalized "wouldn't it feel so good just to be rocked right now?" I very much felt and needed that response - and that physical contact. And it still seems so awkward, wierd, and uncomfortable for me.

I've located a new therapist, here in our new area......she would like to do more exposure therapy.....I've only had one session with her.....she was very professional & seemed slightly distant. I asked for a hug at the end of the session, because, especially now - knowing she wants to go further with the exposure therapy, I am very much wishing for and hoping for what my previous therapist was able to provide - however childish and wierd and awkward and clingy and needy I feel - I feel like that human contact is essential for me to heal.........

 

[Deleted member 541]

It is normal to go through what you are going through right now. Maybe not the clingy part, but wanting to tell you T what you are thinking, feeling and wanting reassurance.

I think that you are having a lot of anxiety with this so use grounding skills, and yes be kind to your inner child. She has been hurt and needs to be nurtured. Validate her feelings.....

Hang in there....

 

[Seychelle]

I relate to feeling young when old memories surface.

When a new memory's come up, sometimes I need reassurance from others. I even ended up ringing a friend who was in hospital because my OH was away and uncontactable, and I just needed to talk to someone.

I think it's wanting the comforting that wasn't available back then.

 

[iluvcaffeine]

This doesnt surprise me. My mind feels child-like and raw after coming down from the state of hypervigilance. It is horrible.