Feeling Greener Than The Grinch

[HëllaBubz]

I'm feeling rather self obsessed and 'let's make it all about me' ish right now.....I'm really trying to be positive, but I'm finding it really hard.

My bro in law and his mistress had a baby girl last night, a result of a 22 month affair during his 24 month marriage to someone else. He is 30 and she is 38 with 3 children, 17, 15 and 8.

The oldest bro in law and his mistress, also had an affair for 18 out of the 24 months he was married, and after he choked her, beat her and left her for dead on a freeway in northern QLD, we have discovered that she now due in February with a girl. He is 32 and she is 22.

They even posted up on facebook how disappointed they were that they were having a girl.

If I had not been assaulted in Dec 2009, I would have finished my Division II nursing, and would have been engaged and about ready to have, or been having a baby right now.

Getting the news of the baby was like a blow to my stomach.

I really feel guilty that I'm feeling this way, I feel like I'm selfish, jealous, petty and self centered, but my partner and I want a child of our own so badly, a little girl.

And considering that my weight, mental capacity and career capacity have been so shot full of holes that it looks like lace.......I can't help thinking that the rotten bastard didn't deserve to have a child, that it should have been me.

I'm not going to be invited over to visit the child, and my invitation will be conveniently 'forgotten' by my brother in law for Christmas dinner....which really isn't such a bad thing!

But considering how much of an absolute C#NT he has been to me over the past 4 years, I have to admit I'm jealous as hell and can not find it in me to truly wish him well.

I wish I could ask for help, for support, but I just don't know what to say anymore, because the more I think about it, the more bitter and negative I become.

Has anyone any ideas on how I can get through this?

 

[Abstract]

Grief. What a mess! I am sorry. I actually feel very sorry for this little girl being born into this mess.

Maybe you need to just let yourself feel the resentment and bitterness for a bit. What about writing it all out and venting properly? The truth is that this situation is far from enviable and is unlikely to bring any of them much happiness. You are so much better off as you have good relationship and when you do have a child it will be a healthy and positive step. That is a world apart from this mess.

Can you set out what you are creating for your husband and you and then remind yourself how different this is? That may not help at all of course and I understand it doesn't give you what you want.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree with all Abstract has already said so well. Bubz, you deserve so much better than the mess they have created for themselves.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you are normal for what you are going through. You are a human being and all of the emotions we feel are valid. If you cannot stomach going over to see them, mabe you could send them a baby present and not go over there to be slapped in your face by the situation.

I think you are a human being with so much pain. I feel for this child. What chance does she have. Find out all you can about having a family of your own if you have not done that already. My heart goes out to you. There are times I feel jeoulous and envious of other peoples good fortune and blessings. I have to look harder at my own. There is nothing wrong with you. Blessings to you and to your yours.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks guys, to be honest, I had given up on this thread, and was just trying to 'get over it'.......without success might I add!:rolleyes:

Yes, all of you are right, I do have a plan in place, my partner and I are both pretty pleased with it......

2012-2013 I'll be getting my Cert III in Aged Care & Home and Community Care, and Cert IV in Disability which will allow me to expand my pay bracket significantly.
2014-2015/16 I'll look at getting my Division II nursing Diploma whilst building up a more solid working history.
2017 Hoping to be engaged/married, resume my Adv. Dip. Computer Engineering & Networking with Web Design.
2018 Hoping to be pregnant, after having our wedding (which I'm paying for) and honeymoon in New Zealand.

I've already almost finished my aged care course, I'm starting my Disability Cert in March (I hope) of next year, so I'm on my way to getting this plan executed! I'll also be working on a savings nest egg, as well as a car, and I plan to give my partner about $12,000 as a wedding gift to pay him back for taking care of my debts and me whilst I was going through the worst of my PTSD.

Gizmo, you are right, there is a lot of pain. When I was 17 I was drugged and gang raped by 4+ men, then beaten by my ex until I bled. I woke up 12-14hours later black and blue, bleeding from every orifice with square bruises from where they had dumped me on ice in a bathtub because I threw up the lining of my stomach.

I started bleeding heavily, but thought it was internal damage.......I found out later that I was about 2 months pregnant. I also got CIN III/Cervical Cancer from the rape, which has only been cleared recently.

The truth of the matter is that I do NOT, in any way, envy my brother in law's......they have terrible lives.
However, it is the presence of the child which knifes me in the gut, as it is something I want so very badly, and I think my partner deserves to be able to have a child, not be held back by my health.

I know where I'm going, and what I need to do to get there, and I'm aware that there will be compromises along the way......but every time I see a cute little girl, I'm reminded that my life has been turned upside down, and I will have to live for this for the rest of my life.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it feels like an entire lifetime ago.

 

[Shellbell]

Bubz, that is a lot of pain to deal with and I understand why wanting a baby is so important. When I was with my first husband at 26 I got pregnant and he was drunk as usual and started hitting me as usual and I fell hard on the floor. The next day I had a miscarriage. That was the second miscarriage I had during that year. What happened was not as bad as how you lost your baby due to the rapes, but I understand how it feels to lose a baby and afterwards to desperately want a baby and feel so envious. Just seeing a baby after that for a long time would make me cry.

I've also had internal injuries and problems due to being raped daily and physically abused often for 4 years between the age of 16-20. I have gone on to have two very healthy children. So, it is possible. I'm only telling you all this (it's really triggering) to give you even more hope of achieving your family.

You have a good solid plan and you're doing so well on working towards that. You are so strong.

:hug:

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks ShellBell, that helps me a lot.

I've actually taken another pre-emptive step and spent several hours researching for a midwife who I could get to know so that way when I finally am pregnant and go through the birth, I won't be traumatised by a stranger.
Tell you what, Someone has got my back, because the woman I contacted is an absolute darling, not very old (mid 30-40s), but has extensive experience in dealing with women with a history of sexual assaults and rapes.

I don't know what hurts worse, have lost a child, or wanting one, and knowing you can't for a good while.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes it is hard to lose a baby and then want one so desperately.

I'm glad you have contacted a midwife who will help you through this. I couldn't talk about any of my trauma even with my second husband. He didn't know any detail or the severity of my abuse until this year. So I went through all the traumatizing invasive pregnancy stuff trying to ignore how distressing it was. During my second pregnany I refused to allow any internal examinations and lied and said it was because I didn't believe it was necessary.

You are absolutely doing the right thing getting an experienced midwife.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I want everything to go right, and not only that, I want to make sure that my partner's child and my partner receive as much help from me as possible, they deserve the best considering the crap that he has been, and they will go through because of my health.

I always go the extra mile for those who take care of me, it's the only way I can really say thank you.

 

[Abstract]

Hugs if OK Bubzilla. I can't say more but am glad you received some comfort.

It's a shame when threads get missed but I think it just happens sometimes. I looked you up as I wondered how things were going and then saw this thread. I actually think it's perfectly fine to bump something if you haven't had a response.

Take care.

 

[Bilby]

Your post there is a really good one, as it outlines your plans for the future. I dare say, your brothers-in-law, have never even considered 'planning' anything. Feel proud of yourself, for having the maturity and the presence of mind, to understand how important it is to plan for your future - particularly when it comes to starting a family :)

Unfortunately, like Shellbell, I can also share with you that I have lost a baby. In fact, more than one. I have had 5 miscarriages. The first was the very worst and I felt so sure that she was a little girl. It was crushing, to hear of other babies being born, particularly in circumstances that were less than ideal. It made me wonder what the hell I had done wrong to deserve that happening. Just awful. It also felt like everywhere I went, there were prams, or pregnant women. It did my head in for a while.

Anyway, I think it's ok to feel the way you do - and it will pass, you will succeed, and HUZZAH! :happy:

B x

P.S. Your avatar - it's familiar... where have I seen that little critter? In a movie? Tangled? Anyway, it's a bit cute :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

Yes, it is Pascal the Chameleon from Tangled.

I have a whole heap of different pictures of him to change when I change how I'm feeling! Pathetic I know!
I adore him!

Thanks for all your support, and hugs are ALWAYS ok with me! I'm a huggle monster!
When I first posted this thread, I was feeling awful, and really guilty, but I'm feeling much better after talking to you all.

I must say Bilby, after floating aimlessly without any direction, energy or willpower, it is really important to me to have goals and work towards them. Otherwise getting out of bed is just not worth it!

I know that I will always get really tired, my hands will start to shake and my heart rate will go through the roof, but with enough support and positive words from wonderful people like yourself, I can, and will go on.

I'm getting my second wind people.....look out!