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Feeling Like a Sham

OceanSpray

MyPTSD Pro
I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.
 
I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

I totally understand this. I have spent this year learning what happened to me as a child was indeed bad and also illegal and could have resulted in charges and prison for those involved. I have learned this by reading about others in the news and their consequences. I'm still disconnected from how horrible it was for me but I do read victim statements and realize that I have had the same experiences. So this has been a gradual insight.
 
But that’s all in my head isn’t it?
Children are extremely adaptable. WHATEVER they experience? IS “normal”.

So? Imagine the worst childhood possible. Whether that’s a child soldier, a child prostitute, a child born into slavery? Their childhoods…. Were. Totally. Normal... To them.

Normal? Doesn’t mean “right”, much less “okay”, and even the best/most golden of childhoods have challenges to overcome.
 
But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.
No, you wouldn’t have hated it because there were parts you enjoyed every time, maybe his attention, or that he lent a listening ear? I struggle with these exact thoughts because I too didn’t always hate it. It continued because I didn’t have the support I needed from my parents. I needed them to be the listening ear and instead I was groomed to think he/they were the only ones to provide it.

I know you posted this a little bit ago, I must’ve missed it. Know you aren’t alone and it is still abuse.
 
I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.
I would send you hug emoticon as response if I could
 
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