Feeling Like a Sham

[OceanSpray]

I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

 

[Rose White]

Can relate. We talk about this a lot on here. Please be gentle with yourself as you recover your self.

 

[limited edition]

I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

I totally understand this. I have spent this year learning what happened to me as a child was indeed bad and also illegal and could have resulted in charges and prison for those involved. I have learned this by reading about others in the news and their consequences. I'm still disconnected from how horrible it was for me but I do read victim statements and realize that I have had the same experiences. So this has been a gradual insight.

 

[Friday]

But that’s all in my head isn’t it?

Children are extremely adaptable. WHATEVER they experience? IS “normal”.

So? Imagine the worst childhood possible. Whether that’s a child soldier, a child prostitute, a child born into slavery? Their childhoods…. Were. Totally. Normal... To them.

Normal? Doesn’t mean “right”, much less “okay”, and even the best/most golden of childhoods have challenges to overcome.

 

[Charbella]

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

No, you wouldn’t have hated it because there were parts you enjoyed every time, maybe his attention, or that he lent a listening ear? I struggle with these exact thoughts because I too didn’t always hate it. It continued because I didn’t have the support I needed from my parents. I needed them to be the listening ear and instead I was groomed to think he/they were the only ones to provide it.

I know you posted this a little bit ago, I must’ve missed it. Know you aren’t alone and it is still abuse.

 

[OceanSpray]

Thank you @Charbella. All this stuff has been on my mind extra heavy lately.

 

[Freddyt]

But that’s all in my head isn’t it?

We all discount and minimize trauma - no matter how it happened. It wasn't that bad is the theme song of those who have not confronted their trauma.

But is was bad and damaging. If it wasn't bad or damaging would you be looking for help?

 

[abovedown]

I feel that even though certain things that have happened to me look like trauma on paper, aren’t exactly trauma.

The reason I say this is sure, I had CSA by multiple people and then multiple assaults as an adult. But until the adult ones, I didn’t really know the CSA was bad. So I felt weird, different, but not necessarily bad myself until I learned that other people *did* feel bad about having it happen to them. Then I went down a spiral of anger and shame and all the things.

But that’s all in my head isn’t it? Because if it was truly something bad, I would have hated it when it was happening. And I didn’t always hate it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

I would send you hug emoticon as response if I could