Does anyone else get frustrated by momentum moving backwards?
My guy had an explosive fall w...
There are several long-term married couples that I am fortunate to know in my church who have very loving, healthier and strong close-knit long-standing loving relationships with their husbands. My Christian sister who as of Sept. 5th is now married for 50 yrs. I also rub shoulders with several couples who have been married longer, and they don't have ptsd. I asked to be allowed to glean and learn about marriage from those committed for so long in their marital relationships, and so they lovingly agreed to let me see what glues and cements their long-standing relationships - the arguments, the make-ups, the give and take, the compromise, all.. One said - never give up on the love of your life if you're in it for the long haul with your husband whom you love. She shared that when they are arguing she reminds herself of what initially drew her to love her husband of 50 years and reflects on this a lot. All these couples have children, grandchildren, big families. And they have shared that no matter what continuing to love, love, love is the key (action) and that communication is the key. Also acceptance, patience, tolerance, and the big one - forgiveness. Again, these loving friends do not have ptsd in their loving marriages. Moving on.
I have not been in a close-knit loving relationship for a long time
@questionsaboutrel. I was married once for a short period of time and he loved me very much and he showed his love to me in many ways i.e. flowers, music, cooking for us, great love-making (for him), and myriad of many displays of his affection in presents/gifts unexpectedly. This is before pcptsd reared its ugly putrid head. We both loved to dance and dress up back then and would go to clubs and we were good dancers. (I had already received Arthur Murray lessons). Then I divorced my husband against his pleas (he cheated on me with Greek woman in white corvette), and my dad, well, it's complicated.
The marriage was before I knew I have pcptsd. Do you too have ptsd? I care and want your relationship to be successful for over a long, long time
@questionsaboutrel. Ptsd as you have experienced with your man changes everything. Major game changer and throws all the instructions and lessons shared and learned by me from above women out the window to some degree (not all - some). For as you know, with ptsd, there is the shutdown, tuning out, turning off, and checking out I as I have practiced artfully, and sadly. and had experienced and been masterfully taught from/by my dad. And the loving, ongoing intimate relationship for me as a ptsd survivor will never be easy as you can well attest. Having a loving personal caring relationship with myself is difficult, let alone with another human being.
With pcptsd, I struggle with at times (often) intense anger and impulse control (or lack thereof). Avoidance is so easy, and shutting people out whom I love use to be the order of the day. Now in EMDR Therapy, I am learning to confront (not be as confrontational I still can be rough as sandpaper) and ask caring and loving appropriate questions for my thought process is at times skewed and misperceptions do occur. In intimate relationship, I cannot afford to sit like before and stew in the heat of the miscommunication, or the relationship issue de jour. A U. of K. college professor once said to me in class, "There is no such thing as a stupid question, just the one that was never asked." My biggest fear - rejection. When in heated exchange with loved one I tend to begin to panic that they will leave, or stop loving me, and I have unresolved anger issues that I am fighting hard in EMDR Therapy to address and trying to resolve these long-standing (pcptsd) anger, trust, and abandonment issues. Also, trying to get enough rest so I won't (as have) jump to conclusions and find fault in my loved one and others; learning to try not to come across as defensive and demanding; also learning to address my feelings of numbness and distance which complicates my ability to effectively keep open channel of communication with loved one ongoing;
Day before yesterday and again yesterday, I stated very clearly (heart racing) to two different people that I have close personal ties to that under no circumstances will I allow nor accept being talked down to, or diminished, or treated with disrespect. Seem to have definitely gotten my point across as their body language and verbal exchange went from elevate self/diminish others to Intimacy (in-to-me-see and mutual open communication continued as we both talked and at times heated, then finally mutual understanding and respect of each other's positions, feelings and thoughts). I believe trying healthier communication is difficult in all relationships even those who do not suffer/deal with ptsd issues.
Ptsd has taught me dysfunctional ways to live and I have fractured relationships that I have or they have re-visited with each other and we have for the most part talked and shared how the proverbial train jumped the tracks. Domineering controlling people I run from; those who drink alcohol, and I can't be around smokers. In recovery now, (EMDR Therapy) I am learning that no longer do I have to accept cruelty, rude and ugly verbal rants, nor being shut out and down as if I am invisible. Even in heated discussions, I don't have to do same to those whom I love dearly and/or am attempting to establish a mutually loving relationship with them. Learning to not shut down myself nor my loved one and anyone I am communicating with in the middle of intense verbal discourse/disagreement and continue without harming whom I love so much - and without malice try to share my feelings, point of view and for me is taking tons of practice.
Not for the faint at heart, I am learning - just learning to develop a thicker skin (pcptsd made me vulnerable, hyper-vigilant, hyper-sensitive, fight or flight, avoidance issues, isolation problems with self) and with all whom am attempting to develop relationships with deep loving long-standing and otherwise - all relationships I am trying to work and change and difficult, oh so difficult. Dealing with letting my guard down to allow loved one closer and closer is scary scenario for me; past familial betrayal comes immediately into play; problem solving (family of origin fractured dysfunction) on any level requires trying to work through fears, not allowing past traumas to get in the middles of staying in the present; and again trusting self, and trusting others - hard, yet ptsd couples do this; they read up about ptsd relationships, as I continue to do; and I want to love and be loved and I will never give up on this to come very hopeful realization. Working on self, then ready for trying again to love again with tools now and a toolbox full of them.
Children's book called "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams (author) talks about love and growing up and being loved does not happen for everyone. A former love interest framed a page from that book and gifted me and decades later I still have it on bedroom wall. In the process of learning now and how to give myself and others space is difficult - to walk away and allow my emotions to de-escalate is sooo difficult and so important
@questionsaboutrel, when I am upset and so very difficult to practice and put into play in real time. Because my emotions, thoughts, and feelings at times are during emotional upset with loved one(s), racing, so skewed, confused, jumbled, and misinterpreted by me (pcptsd) I am now at this moment in time finally learning to understand my cognitive problems and am learning to practice self-love and at same time trying to actively love and listen to what loved ones are
expressing with me and not at me. I am learning to actively listen, hard one for me - as I jump to conclusions from baseless facts due to prior programmed tapes which most of the time play in my mind. Relationships are difficult at best - yet rewarding to love and be loved - yes. With divorce rate in America still around 50% and for those who have subsequent marriages that ended in divorce, their divorce rate is even higher. Only bring this up for stats show love as Ringo Starr sings "It Don't Come Easy" (love). There are members in loving relationships here and they will reach out to you and share how they are working through ptsd issues. Wishing you much love, joy, and peace. JadesJewel
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