Feeling like we've opened Pandora's box.

[WorldWanderer]

I've been doing CBT for PTSD-DS for a while now. Originally it was for a single event, and that's what we've been working on. Yesterday my T said that he felt like there was something else, something that was causing me to get stuck and it's may be fueling my current issue.

One of the things we looked at when we started this journey is that i was scared of starting this and losing control. I had quite a severe issues with self harm years ago, and i had concerns that this may bring that back up and i could fall back into it.

My T questioned if i felt that that may be what's holding me back, and as we explored that idea, he's exactly right. I hadn't realised, but i avoid anything that links to self harm. If anything ever happens to me and blood is drawn, or i see something on tv or in a movie then the intrusive memories and flashbacks start.

My T apologised that we hadn't made this connection sooner, which was nice, but i don't feel like he needed to. Anyhow, we've agreed to go back as far as i can remember and walk through my life a little more slowly. In prep for next week i've to make a timeline and add events that stand out for me.

I'm delving into my past for the first time and it's utterly terrifying. I didn't realise how good i'd become at simply putting something in a box, closing the lid, cellotaping it shut, adding chains and a padlock and chucking it to oneside.

We finished session yesterday and i was just sat with my head on the desk questioning what we'd done, is this the right thing to do.

I know that it is the right thing to do, my T is fantastic and I trust him in moving forward with this, he's very in tune to my responses and picks up on dissociation before i do most times, so i know i'm safe in heading down this path. We're both in agreement that it needs to happen.

is there anyone here who can maybe relate to thinking it was one thing that caused the issue, and then realising that there's a hell of a lot more hidden that you come across? Any tips for navigating this in between sessions?

I'm thankful for any tips, advice and reassurance with this, cos it's scary as hell!

 

[Midnightmoon]

Hearing you. It's absolutely terrifying. I went initially to therapy in similar circumstances, thought I was going for medical trauma, Ended up with CPTSD diagnosis from a childhood I thought was normal and DID from survival practices I again, assumed we're normal...not exactly what I bargained for.

Its great you have trust and support in your T who I'm gathering is really attuned to what's coming up considering they noticed in the first place there was a block. Leaning on that safety of theraputic relationship is such a helpful tool to have when trying to do this, you're not on your own.

So, how to open the box...

Slowly.

And then however slowly you think is right, half it, and that's the speed.

And know how to ring fence the box. Work with T on how to contain all the stuff that is going to be swirling around your brain at 100mph. My old T was a fan of pendulation (somatic experiencing) which I learnt to practice. New T likes writing stuff out. I sort of take bits from whatever I'm instinctively drawn to and try those.

 

[WorldWanderer]

Hearing you. It's absolutely terrifying. I went initially to therapy in similar circumstances, thought I was going for medical trauma, Ended up with CPTSD diagnosis from a childhood I thought was normal and DID from survival practices I again, assumed we're normal...not exactly what I bargained for.

Its great you have trust and support in your T who I'm gathering is really attuned to what's coming up considering they noticed in the first place there was a block. Leaning on that safety of theraputic relationship is such a helpful tool to have when trying to do this, you're not on your own.

So, how to open the box...

Slowly.

And then however slowly you think is right, half it, and that's the speed.

And know how to ring fence the box. Work with T on how to contain all the stuff that is going to be swirling around your brain at 100mph. My old T was a fan of pendulation (somatic experiencing) which I learnt to practice. New T likes writing stuff out. I sort of take bits from whatever I'm instinctively drawn to and try those.

Thank you :-) , i've done a mix so far of writing, sketching, i'm just taking it steady. What ever comes up, i'm getting it on paper in whichever way feels right.
It really side swiped me when i began to realise a lot of my experiences in younger years weren't 'normal'. IF my T hadn't picked up on there being a block, If he hadn't suggested we go back, then potentially, the problem wouldn't get solved, or be solved in the best way.
It's been a shock!

 

[arfie]

is there anyone here who can maybe relate to thinking it was one thing that caused the issue, and then realising that there's a hell of a lot more hidden that you come across?

yup. perhaps the most important thing i learned in therapy is, "don't assume."

Any tips for navigating this in between sessions?

you are currently using my number one coping tool for between sessions. reaching out to my peer supporters provides more stability than pill bottles. further, i don't try to make sense of what flies out of pandora's box during the more intense session. acceptance and processing are my only goals while pandora's demons are on the fly. it's easier to find the sensible spots if i am not distracted by swatting demonic flies.

 

[Livi]

I totally understand this. It is terrifying to not fully know what is in the box. I too have an amazing therapist who I learnt to trust, and I have had to learn that every time I think I am done and I think there is nothing left to look at - something else can crop up. The good news is that therapy helped me learn to process and build skills for coping - so in time it got quicker to feel stable again. In the early days, I remember barely hanging on between therapy sessions, waiting for the next session as I had so many questions and was totally dysregulated. In between sessions I journaled daily, found peer support groups useful, and eventually I realised that I needed to educate myself on trauma and recovery. I read everything I could get my hands on, and shared with my T all my a-ha's. I came on this site looking for things that helped me make sense and meaning of my new reality - but realised that this site is a whole trigger-pool in itself so was careful how often I came here. But it was incredibly useful to read the experiences of others. When I felt stronger I started to respond occasionally - that felt like progress too. I hope this helps - if only in the fact that I understand. Take care.

 

[WorldWanderer]

Thank you for taking the time to explain so well, i really, really appreciate it. I've been taking things really steady, writing or sketching anything that comes up. I think it's good this happened after the sessions we've had so far because i'm better prepared to deal with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and channel them in a way that gets them out of my system.
I crashed big time energy wise on thursday, left work at lunch time, went home to bed and didn't surface till the next morning, felt better for it though!

 

[Movingforward10]

Yep. That Pandora's box is opening up the unknown and the inability to control. I felt I was free falling off a cliff.

But...... it's the path to healing. It's very very tough. But getting to the other side: worth it.

I second taking it slowly.

You need to unlearn the no longer helpful survival mechanisms you developed and learn healthy ones. During that process it feels like you have no survival strategies and that's where having a T who can hold you and help you is key (in my opinion).

For a day or two after these type of therapy sessions, build in some sort of routine for self care. As it can be hard.

 

[Freddyt]

Yep. That Pandora's box is opening up the unknown and the inability to control. I felt I was free falling off a cliff.

Yup. Years in and starting to think we were nearing done with that first event and - another jack in the box....

Yuou need a "toolbox" full of tools to help you along the way. Tools to help with anxiety, stress, and all the rest. Take time with your T to work on that stuff if you feel like you are struggling. Your T probably has a whole lot to add to your toolbox to help you and its no use continuing doing work until thats under control.

 

[WorldWanderer]

Yup. Years in and starting to think we were nearing done with that first event and - another jack in the box....

Yuou need a "toolbox" full of tools to help you along the way. Tools to help with anxiety, stress, and all the rest. Take time with your T to work on that stuff if you feel like you are struggling. Your T probably has a whole lot to add to your toolbox to help you and its no use continuing doing work until thats under control.

We're working on emotional regulation at the moment, i think we're getting there slowly... I hope!

Yep. That Pandora's box is opening up the unknown and the inability to control. I felt I was free falling off a cliff.

But...... it's the path to healing. It's very very tough. But getting to the other side: worth it.

I second taking it slowly.

You need to unlearn the no longer helpful survival mechanisms you developed and learn healthy ones. During that process it feels like you have no survival strategies and that's where having a T who can hold you and help you is key (in my opinion).

For a day or two after these type of therapy sessions, build in some sort of routine for self care. As it can be hard.

Thank you. It's not comfortable at all, just taking it one step at a time at the mo