Other Feeling Lost Again

[trying to heal]

I've been trying so hard for the last 2 weeks to swim against this depression and SI and try and hold on. It's been 2 weeks between sessions with my T and I really don't want to disappoint her tomorrow by going backwards. In these last few weeks I have lost a friend and my church and struggling with some self-harm/acting out issues and then today (and I know this sounds petty but it really hurt) I found out someone I thought was a good friend is pregnant but found out through church announcements followed by the comment I'm sure most of you already knew this .


I lost a friend because I dared to reach out and tell her about me possibly being admitted to hospital and she has just not bothered to contact me. She was one of my closest friends once and over the years we have drifted but this hurts so much cause I still trusted her but I guess I should have known better and that I can't trust anyone.

I lost my church because my minister decided he could no longer be bothered to hold an evening service and that we have to be the ones to make a sacrifice for the other services. He doesn't care about those people who can't make it to another time and he broke numerous promises so yet another person I can no longer trust. I went to church today as I promised a friend that I would continue going till I was admitted but after the way, my minister just disregarded everyone and keeps breaking his promises I can no longer go there. I had a near nervous breakdown when I went through a similar but worse situation at my last church and I just can't face going through all that again.

I know I only have 50 mins or so tomorrow with my T and there is so much to cover and I just don't know if I will be able to cope with yet another 2 weeks in between sessions again. I don't want to unravel and get as low as I was a few weeks ago as then I won't be a candidate for the unit (They don't accept high-risk patients)

I know I could write a letter to her but she won't get it in time for my session tomorrow.

I just feel so lost and feel like I could slip back down again

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Glad you wrote this. I relate to much of it. Finding a home church is such a big thing. I went on a church tour all last year and went to a new one every week for a couple months. It was exhausting. There were AWESOME ones in one area, but then I moved and the rest were awful. To this day I still travel a really long distance to go back to my home church - even though I can't drive now with my illness - so I either have to take a car service or get a ride.

I also lost 80% of my friends when I got sick with this bout of CPTSD a few months ago (only the millennials, actually - I have no more friends in their 20s once I cut down my social media). I'm still bitter over it and it's made me very skeptical about who I trust.

I know, times between sessions can be so hard. I ended up asking my T to meet more often because I felt like I couldn't handle it. He showed me that I could, but was open to meeting more. I basically come on this forum every single day for support and I made a friend on here that I write every single day as an anchor, and I text my church sisters (at least 1 a day) for support. We definitely need a ton of support right now as we're struggling through our recovery.

When I was at my worst, I would scream to God how much it hurt, that I couldn't take it anymore, and to kill me now if this was it - and when He didn't, I knew He had something waiting for me and that I'm not meant to die and He's still there.

 

[Friday]

Since you've lost some of your support structure is your T willing to step into the gap until you can either be admitted or find new avenues of support? How did the session go?

 

[trying to heal]

Since you've lost some of your support structure is your T willing to step into the gap until you can ei...

The system here is Australia means i can only see my T a certain amount under medicare and when that is exhausted i have to pay privately. Since the beginning of the year ive used up a fair amount of my free sessions so she is concerned that i will run out too quickly if she keeps seeing me as often. She understands i have a greater need to see her but i can understand why she is cutting our sessions back a bit. Means when i do get in to see her im usually a bit of a mess.

I was able tonwrite her a letter which I poured my heart out to her. I got her to read the letter and then gave her the choice of what she thought best to deal with that session.

She chose the issue i was struggling with most and causing the most distress even though it was difficult and humiliating to talk about.

The session ended well but i now have a 2 1/2 week wait till i see her again.

On the upside i should be hearing from the hospital this week re a pre admin interview so maybe i will be admitted before my next appointment.

Thanks for replying to my thread. I do appreciate it.

 

[trying to heal]

Glad you wrote this. I relate to much of it. Finding a home church is such a big thing. I went on...

Glad you wrote this. I relate to much of it. Finding a home church is such a big thing. I went on...

CPTSD just sucks. I had a very awkward conversation with my cousin yesterday as she said she had noticed id been "liking" lots of posts recently from a fb page i follow that deals with healing from cPTSD and trauma. She said she just figured i was supporting a friend and didn't know i even had PTSD. She asked me why i felt i had been given that diagnosis and I chose not to share with her and said maybe I would talk to her about it another time.

I havent told many people about it because a lot of my traumas relate to my family and I am not in a safe enough place to be open about it while still living with them.

Me going in to hospital is partly so i can find alternative accommodation so that i will be in a safer place to start the healing journey.

Im sorry you have had a difficult patg with your journey also. Losing friends and trying to find a good church is very painful. Im glad you can get support here. I am also on this site daily. It has been a lifesaver literally.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I've been trying so hard for the last 2 weeks to swim against this depression and SI and try and...

Yeah, can relate and that is exactly why I am on this forum, do not want to talk to anyone that can not relate to me anyhow. Why bother with that?