Feeling Low And I'm Not Sure Why

[Annie B]

I missed my 10 year HS reunion. I couldn't afford to fly out. But I was ok with it, I am still in touch with a few of my closest HS friends, though I am too far to see them ever and we don't talk about much that is very meaningful. I really was doing ok, I moved on long ago and I'm not really the kind of person who would want to relive my teen years. It would have been fun to see them but I'm not broken hearted. I am not attached to many people and if I was I certainly wouldn't show it (let's call that a quirk).

But then I saw a picture of a group of old friends together at the reunion, one member of the group being a person who just won't talk to me anymore and I don't know why. We were best friends, I adored him. But he abruptly stopped returning my emails long ago. I just figured we were done. People grow apart, I've drifted away from tons of great people. It happens. But unlike many of those people, I still miss him.

My heart hurts and I can't figure out exactly why. I really thought that it was all behind me and that I didn't care that much that I couldn't make it. I would have gotten anxious and down on myself (specifically my appearance) anyway.

I immediately checked out and fiddled with my phone after that. My husband could tell I was removed emotionally for the night so just left me to my own devices. I can't deal with those emotions right now. I am just so sad but I really shouldn't be. I want to talk to someone, I want to cry. But I can't. What good would it do? And who would I talk to?

I know this story sounds superficial and dumb, but I don't know how to deal with such sadness without pretending it is not there. I have struggled with intense depression for years, probably since I was 12 or 13. It is always there but sometimes all I need is a trigger to put me over the edge. I guess this was my trigger, as ridiculous as that is.

Well thanks for listening...

 

[InsideAWord]

I'm listening. =] And I don't mind crying.

 

[Annie B]

I miss my old friend. We were ripped apart suddenly 10 years ago. He hasn't written to me in almost 6 years. Not since I got married, but I don't think that's the reason. I don't know the reason. I wonder what I did and I want to understand but probably never will. I miss the others too to an extent but we still talk here and there. I've since lost some friends I had grown even closer to than I did to my HS friends, but I don't hurt as much when I think about them. I just feel like I need some sort of closure. It's all probably just in my head.

I prefer not to dwell on the past if I can help it. My life is so much better now anyway. This is why I avoid dealing with the emotions. This is also why I avoid close friendships entirely. They end. I am left with the memories and they never give me a second thought. They will forget me eventually.

 

[InsideAWord]

I think it is alright for you to explore these questions and reminisce about past friendships. However, I would not use this as a reason to not explore new and deepen current relationships. Friendships are beautiful phenomenas in which we dig roots and intertwine with one another because we find something in another person that not only helps us grow but also keeps us grounded. I'm sure they give you a second thought. I'm sure that somewhere there is a memory of you flitting by in someone's mind. But, that's not you. That's a memory of you -- something removed from the past that now only makes up maybe an eighth of who you are now. It may be better that they remember the past you because you are different now although you may not realize it.

And, let me flip the script on you -- do you think you would like THEM now? Don't worry about it. Look at which friendships are still growing and prune and attend to those.

 

[franciemarnie]

I understand why your heart hurts. You adored this person and he abruptly stopped returning your emails and you don't know why. That hurts! Losing someone you love for reasons you know hurts. Losing them for reasons you don't know hurts worse. And you miss him.

I wish there was a way you could contact him and say the truth - that you miss him, you always cherished your friendship and you know people change and grow apart and you accept that, but you would sure like to know why he stopped responding to your emails. I have generally done things like that the few times in my mostly isolated life when I needed to know why.

I also know that I dropped out of sight with friends without explanation years and years ago for reasons I didn't even know at the time (PTSD related), so could not explain. They hadn't necessarily done anything wrong. But I was in a bad way and felt safest alone.

He obviously is more comfortable not communicating, but I don't see that you'd lose by trying to find out why unless you have already tried. Or even just writing something to say what you said here to get it off your chest. He may not respond but you will have done all you could. If you have already done these things, acceptance is the answer. The sadness will grow less and less intense.

Someday you will learn why. In the meantime, do what you can for your peace of mind.

 

[Annie B]

@InsideAWord

Very good advice! So much easier said than done. I wish I could.

I moved a ton when I was young. I never learned how to develop friendships past a certain point without experiencing a level of panic. It was scary and pointless so I rarely took the leap. And only one of those friendships seems to have been worth the effort. It takes being nearby, being vulnerable and willing to share intimacies (I'm not talking physical) with them to make relationships strong and I'm not able or willing to do that. I'm sure they remember me in a positive way (I treat people well), though I doubt they give me much thought anymore. I doubt it pains anyone and causes them sorrow when I'm not around. I feel those things for some people, but I know it is silly and useless to expect them to feel the same. I just wish I could turn it all off. I want to be like a normal person. I want to have a friend I feel comfortable crying with. None of them have seen me cry! Hah!

That said, I do have friends but not close ones. They already have enough people in their lives, they don't need me. I make people happy, I fix their problems. But when they are fixed, they feel better about themselves and life, they have no need for me. And then I'm forgotten and I watch them live their life without me in it. I can't do that anymore so I choose to remain alone. I'll help people and ease their burdens willingly, but I stay aloof and removed emotionally. My family needs me though so I attend to them.

 

[InsideAWord]

Alright, let me ask you this: Are you a good friend to yourself?

 

[Annie B]

@franciemarnie

I can relate! I also feel comfortable in isolation. But it is lonely there.

I am too proud to tell anyone I am lonely or that I'm sick, especially since I do it to myself. Not necessarily willingly though. Since understanding my ptsd cause and diagnosis in the last year I have identified some behaviors I learned long ago that were obviously symptoms of a problem I didn't know i had! Looking back, it all makes so much sense. Now I need to fix my brain and that is so very hard.

I want to tell him and ask what happened but I don't know how. I don't know if I should. I don't know if it will be misread to be romantic (my feelings toward him are not) and if it is even appropriate to talk about personal stuff with a guy I'm not married to. So much time has passed it probably isn't worth the trouble anyhow. Oh well, I'm just obsessing I think. It happens sometimes. ;)

Thanks you guys for listening. I feel better already.

 

[Annie B]

@InsideAWord

Nope

 

[InsideAWord]

I suppose this is all apart of our healing process, but I suppose we can all benefit from this: My therapist has been teaching me to identify any self-deprecating thoughts and chiding myself for it. To make up for it, I have to come up with an equal amount of compliments to give myself.

Learn to love ourselves.