Feeling non-human

[ladee]

I'm unclear what you were apologizing for @Lössnus .
Do you mind sharing? I am foggy brained today!

We have to open up, at least a tiny bit, for our answers to get in. Just a tiny bit. It will grow on it's own then.
Gentle hugs

 

[Lössnus]

I'm unclear what you were apologizing for @Lössnus .
Do you mind sharing?

I took one of your posts as me being unclear with the part where I labled abusers the "unnormal" people.

 

[ladee]

Oh no,@Lössnus , not at all. I absolutely agree with you. 100% !!! Sorry if there was a mix up... I completely agreed with all you said... thank you for answering..... this is how we learn to communicate, right ! Appreciate your views 1111

 

[AnD]

I had a very helping therapy-session today. Unorthodox.

I dissociated because my brain decided it was too much. The memory of this makes me pretty numb, but if people show me compassion I break down and cry. I prefer not being numb.

I brought a teddy bear to therapy, my child part asked for it. I was very embarrassed about the teddy bear.

My child part has her favourite spot in the therapy room. It took the world of guts to ask to go sit there. And my t showed nothing but support. I sat on the floor, cried and remembered. After a while, my therapist joined me on the floor and comforted me as I had asked her to. She spoke to me, said the right words and it helped. She touched my arm, I haven't showered for like 8 days. She was not disgusted by me. She was supportive and frankly just great. I relived the emotions of utter loneliness, pain, getting broken, ignored, ill-treated for years. In my mind, I spoke with my parts and it was nice.

We decided to have an extra session on Wednesday.

Thank you, for your replies in the thread. It was a beautiful thing to do, answering my cry for help.

 

[ladee]

Tears of joy for you! What courage you showed! So very very proud of you.
Let the healing begin!
Lots of gentle hugs.

 

[AnD]

Tears of joy for you! What courage you showed! So very very proud of you.
Let the healing begin!
Lots of...

You show such kindness. I hope I can return the gift. I wish you well

 

[ladee]

Gentle hugs.

 

[Lössnus]

I hope this is not out of line at all AnD and I hope you don't mind me asking..
But.. What's your age? If you don't wish to answer, just don't and forget I asked the question.
And I'll be honest, I wish I could be that open and honest with my therapist when I had one..
I do not have the courage to be that honest and open in real life, you should truly credit yourself for that and I am sure it will help you heal both better and quicker.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I started processing a new trauma in therapy almost 2 weeks ago. I started feeling extremely tired after th...

When you say I don’t feel human, what you mean by that makes all the difference, I’m going to go with how I interpret what you’ve said, and if I’m right on that, then boy do I feel you. I’m just going to talk about myself and hope you can relate, because I hate it when ppl try to tell you what you’re going through. I experienced a few pretty big traumas in my life, but there’s a standout one that definitely changed me and I experienced what you were describing, I think, afterwards and still do sometimes especially when I’m under stress. I think it might be depersonalization. It feels like I’m not really here, I’m really distant from the rest of the humans lol, sometimes I joke about the aliens needing to come take me back home, you know those memes. It can be really scary feeling but I know it’s not just me who feels like this, your body and your mind will do whatever they need to to survive. There’s a song by Angel Haze called Castle on a cloud, where she talks about not feeling like a person, a lot of her stuff talks about trauma actually. I’m an infj too so I always feel like an alien anyways. Alien, thinking about that word, foreign or not at home. Is it like feeling not at home in yourself or in the world around you? Sending much love, sry once I start writing......

 

[AnD]

I hope this is not out of line at all AnD and I hope you don't mind me asking..
But.. What's your age?...

Thank you, for your kind words. I have seen her for 2,5 years. And she has encouraged me to ask for what I need and do as I ask as far as she can.

It is not just up to you if you can open up in therapy. The other person has to be safe. I have opened up to unsafe people and that has done a lot of damage. My therapist is not Swedish, so she is not as rigid as the regular ones here.

And the age question. I sent you a private message :)

Ta hand om dig

When you say I don’t feel human, what you mean by that makes all the difference, I’m going to g...

Hi, thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I am sorry that you feel this too. It is hard.

Funny you mention infj, I was intj when I got tested.

I used to cry as a child: "Please, take me home. Please!" Over and over. And I was at home. Normally in bed. I could never understand my own behaviour.

And I still don't understand people. Things that I have done for years still feels like a chore that is impossible. Like small talk, interaction, things to do with my body, it is very hard to connect with another.

I feel as if I am looking at a code or a riddle. I have managed to see the pattern to the point where I can imitate and repeat the series. But I don't understand it. I couldn't explain to you why the next number is, say 42, I only assume that it is. And my heart is racing every time because I could be very wrong and then we all die. Then the secret is out, I am an alien, and I will be hunted and killed. I think this is how I feel.

I feel as if I am trying to imitate the outside of other people because that is what I have decided to be normal. My sister would harm me and tell me how strange I was, so I guess I am trying to avoid that. Trying to be safe, but I can never be safe and that makes this worse.

It is almost as if I can only connect to pain. I don't know. It is hard to explain.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

Thank you, for your kind words. I have seen her for 2,5 years. And she has encouraged me to ask for what I...

Well, since you’re getting professional help, I can’t possibly offer anything better than that, but I personally go on here to try to connect with ppl who share similar feelings, experiences excetera, I really think one of the driving desires of human beings is to be understood, ppl can’t empathize with you if they can’t understand you, and being an infj I understand everyone but no one understands me, I’d read up on intj if I were you, some of the things you’re describing are quite possibly to a certain extent personality traits, intjs are super interesting ppl, me and you are like 1% or 3% of the population so understandably others won’t always get us! I’m glad you’re getting help, i still can’t find a therapist it’s ridiculous how hard it is in Canada. But mental health issues aside, it’s always fun to learn, and maybe even understand yourself a little better!

 

[AnD]

Well, since you’re getting professional help, I can’t possibly offer anything better than that,...

Sorry, to hear that you have a hard time finding a therapist. I wish I could do something to help.

And it seems very lonely for you to understand everyone, but no one understands you. Like you are giving and giving and never gets the reward.

Wish you well