Feeling selfish for self-care

[tin-man]

I don’t tend to feel selfish about self-care...I sometimes do if I think my partner is missing out o...

Yeah, a lot of it is tied into issues with self-esteem, and self-hatred. I often feel bad when a friend or loved one wants to do something, and I am just not up for it. I'll usually push through it (up to the point where my body/mind is literally not capable of doing the activity). But that comes with a cost.

I know this means nothing, coming from someone you've just met online. But i hope you don't beat yourself up too badly over stuff you can't do. There's a difference between not doing something because you're just feeling lazy, and not doing something because you're too overwhelmed, or anxious. You're already having a hard time, so you don't deserve more negativity.

Of course I say that, but I find it hard to put into practice. But all you can do is keep telling your stupid brain that you're a worthy person/, until you believe it. :)

 

[tin-man]

@Link Removed

Yes, that sort of people pleasing is a bit different from mine. Though I know quite a few people who suffer from it. My mother especially needs validation from others, and it's caused a lot of bitterness, and resentment. She's angry about not being appreciated, but still goes out of her way to get that appreciation. Being stuck in the cycle of validation. It sucks. So I'm sorry your partner has to go through it.

Mine is more about not wanting people to be angry with me, and so going to extreme lengths to ensure this. Which is pointless, as I know people will never be happy with what you do. I'm also slightly misanthropic, so that part of me is resentful at myself for trying to please people. When people generally suck.

Basically my brian is just a dumpster fire. :)

 

[barefoot]

I know this means nothing, coming from someone you've just met online.

Not at all. It does mean something. Thank you for you caring words.

i hope you don't beat yourself up too badly over stuff you can't do.

I’ve got better at it (at not being so harsh on myself - not better at beating myself up!) over the last couple of years. Still a work in progress on that front...

She's angry about not being appreciated, but still goes out of her way to get that appreciation. Being stuck in the cycle of validation. It sucks

Yep...it is a pretty cruel cycle to get stuck in.

Mine is more about not wanting people to be angry with me, and so going to extreme lengths to ensure this. Which is pointless, as I know people will never be happy with what you do.

That makes sense too - avoiding anger.
I’d push back slightly on the last part of what you said above as I think it’s quite a black/white statement. I’d say that it’s maybe more accurate to say that *some* people won’t be happy whatever you do. Some will :)

Is it particular people you’re thinking about who you don’t ever feel happy with what you do?

Basically my brian is just a dumpster fire.

Ha! Mine too then, I reckon! :D

 

[tin-man]

Not at all. It does mean something. Thank you for you caring words.



I’ve got better at it (at not...

Well I'm glad it meant something, and that you've gotten better at not beating yourself up. :)

It's not really any particular person. I just grew up being taught that the way I am, the way I act is wrong. And this was beaten into me both physically, and mentally. So , subconsciously, I still believe it. Believe that no matter what I do it'll never be good enough, and that people always have a right to judge me harshly.

It's only now that I'm trying to break out of that pattern. But I feel optimistic that I can do it. That it's within my control to be kinder to myself :)