Feeling sorry for existing

[Strangelongtrip]

Sometimes I get these bouts of anxiety that are attachement based (or rather abandonment based) that basically is a belief that I’m incredibly annoying and should apologize to everyone I talk to for existing. That I am overbearing, and too much, and annoying, and everyone’s going to leave because I’m obnoxious. I know it’s rooted in childhood, but more recently I’ve had all three of the people I’ve dated tell me basically that I’m a burden. One because I found out he was cheating and blamed it on me for being a burden (he was the abusive af one), one because I was asking too much of him (but I had stopped sleeping with him so he no longer cared about my feelings), and one guy who I was being manipulated by someone else and needing help for it and he left me for someone else. All of these situations suck and the guys really sucked but I can’t get it out of my head.


I’ve grown a lot since then to make that not true (that I’m a burden) in every sense I can think of but I still have the nagging suspicion that I still am, that I’m just dragging people down, that they’d be better off without me because all I’m doing is annoying them. Especially if it’s someone I have feelings for. Like, even if it’s reciprocated? Or not an uneven amount of communication. I just send longer texts and messages than most people I’m terrible at being terse and I just love talking to people I like. I appreciate them greately and am happy to have them in my life but I feel like they’re all going to leave because I’m a burden or annoying. Like one specific person I like a lot and they’ve told me how much they love talking to me and spending time with me but I still feel like scum.

It’s not helping that I’m socializing for almost 12 hours a day these past 2 days going on 3 days. I just need to be alone for a while too.

 

[Friday]

I hit that place really badly a couple few times a year, on average.

The biggest trick I use to step on its neck socially is to thank people whenever I want to apologise to them. Mostly because it changes their experience, ie they get told they’re a f*cking rockstar, amazing in spades, and get an attaboy, instead of someone sniveling me-me-me-meeeeee-waaaaah all over them ... but it also helps to reframe and repattern from “I suck” :arghh; to “You’re awesome” :inlove:

Same truth, different facets = wildly different effects, for both of us.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Friday that’s a really good idea! I’ve seen that around social media for small things like if you’re late instead of saying sorry I’m late thank you for waiting, stuff like that. I want to tell them how much o appreciate them too! Thank you!

 

[The Albatross]

It’s not helping that I’m socializing for almost 12 hours a day these past 2 days going on 3 days. I just need to be alone for a while too.

It is beneficial to know and manage your activities. A plan or strategy that includes breaks or giving yourself permission to withdraw at times would be a good coping mechanism to develop.

 

[EveHarrington]

To clarify, are you actually socializing as in face to face contact, or are you addicted to social media?

I don’t count social media as socializing.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@EveHarrington face to face, some family is in town for Christmas and we do events all day. I don’t count social media either or texting bc that’s not draining for me!

@The Albatross i need to do it better we’ve just been non stop. I would retreat to somewhere quiet for a bit every now and again, but my grandparents have my room and I don’t do stairs well (joints are messed up) so my room in the office upstairs I can’t get to easily.

 

[Abstract]

Fab advice from everyone. Don't know if you have done any transactional analyses but if you have then bringing yourself out of child and into adult (not parent) when responding can change the dynamics a bit. You also don't need to accept the blame or blaming from unhealthy people even though I know that can be hard.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Abstract I’ve never heard of transactional analysis! I’m unsure of the term

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Strangelongtrip
Have a look here:
Description of Transactional Analysis and Games by Dr. Eric Berne MD
I sometimes find the basics an easy ish way of checking where everyone is coming from
Being in Adult is much more likely to receive an Adult response back.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Awesome, thank you @Abstract ! I’ll read that tonight

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you an intense person? Have people called you “intense”...?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@EveHarrington hmmm...not that I can remember but I think I am. Maybe one person has called me that but they were also very intense and we sort of burned each other out. I’m definitely passionate and decisive.

When I get into something I’m all in, I’ve learned to moderate it but I’m very hyper focused on things. I also make art that’s pretty intense, so I guess yes!