Feeling Uncomfortable When People Are Kind To Me Unconditionally

[blackandwhite2017]

Hello World,

I feel super uncomfortable and agitated when people are nice to me without asking anything in return, and I feel an absolute need to return their favour or else I get stuck feeling like I owe them. This applies to friendships, therapies, families, and of course sexual relationships. I guess I am too used to relationships where I need to earn care by being useful to others.

I get uncomfortable when friends offer to buy me drinks unless we have agreements that I buy next time. I feel uncomfortable when therapist asked me if I had someone to look after me when I was sick and when she does not judge me for the bad things I have done. I seek casual sexual relationships where we only have sex and we agree that mutual care and responsibility are to be avoided. And I get uncomfortable when my sexual partners show care to me beyond basic respect. I also seek sexual partners who enjoy inflicting pain, not because I enjoy pain sexually, but because sometimes I just want to get beaten up. I seek comforts in fantasies where people who always treat me nicely become verbally abusive to me or straight out beating me up. When I do something wrong, I often feel like I want harsh punishments from those who treat me well. And I really doubt if I would put any effort to protect myself if let's say my favourite teacher decides to want to beat me up or rape me someday.

I don't know if anyone else is like me. If any of you relates, please share your thoughts and what you have done to be able to feel comfortable being treated nicely by others.

Cheers,
HelloWorld314

 

[blackandwhite2017]

^But of course if a stranger wants to abuse me without my consent, I would definitely fight back and protect myself. My point is that I subconsciously want to be hurt by those who are nice to me unconditionally, and I think I would let them hurt me if they choose to someday which of course is very unlikely to ever happen because they are not people like that.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

I know exactly how you feel. Half the time when someone says I'm pretty or they like my outfit I'm bracing from them to hit me or smack me or worse. I think it's because as a kid I was used and abused by my mother and I use that term loosely. Anyways. I think we expect these things to happen because it's our nomral or its what we learned what happened when someone said something nice. Predators do this to gain our trust obviously and they do and then next thing you know you defences are down and the perpetrators find the perfect way to control you. Just when you start to feel good. They lock in and take control. So just try and take a compliment a day if you can. If not maybe try writing them down and see how they make you feel on paper. Best wishes. I'm here if you need me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I used to be the same way. It was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. One time someone was being super nice to me, and I actually argued with her. She wanted to give me something, and I felt that I didn't deserve it. That I hadn't done anything to EARN it. We went back and forth on the subject, and she finally looked at me and said, "Don't bother to waste your breath, you won't win this arguement with me, so just get over it and take it."

I finally did, but it took 3 more weeks of the item sitting on her counter before I gave in. Little by little I learned that when people want to do something for you, it's because they want too, and that it's their way of showing you that they care. They get joy out of giving, so I now just say thank you......